It seems that the more I have to write about, the less motivated I am to write. Needless to say, things have been crazy and finding the time and the energy to sit down and write it all down, has been difficult at best.
I’m working a lot. Even with the threat of Government shutdown and budget shortfalls, it seems that my projects remain top priority. There is still more work to do than time to do it. Coming home exhausted is no fun either. Physically, I just want to lie down and chill out, but mentally my mind is still racing with work problems, and I crave playing with Kaelyn and hanging out with Roger. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million and one directions. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t broken down yet.
But, aside from all that, things are pretty great. We have officially started our front deck/porch project. Just cutting down the overgrown bushes from the front and side of the house has made a huge difference. I’m not sure when the contractors will get in to start building; but hopefully, we can get them scheduled soon. Kaelyn continues to grow and amaze us every day. She is now trying to do summersaults. She’s not very good at them, but does get down into the right position and begs me to push her over. She’s talking more and more. Well, she’s always talked, but more and more we’re able to understand her. We’ve planted some vegetables and even have an herb garden. Everything is growing. The flowers are blooming. The weather is nice.
There are probably a thousand things I could write about. I know a lot has been happening, but truthfully, I can’t think of anything right now. I’m tired and have to get to work, so that’s what I’ll do. Hopefully, I’ll become a better blogger again soon.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Unbalanced
In general, I’m not a “people pleaser.” I can count on one hand the number of people I truly want to be pleased with me. Everyone else is just a bonus. That’s not to say that I want to make people unhappy, or do things to make others not like me. I just don’t go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is completely happy all the time.
What I am, is a perfectionist. So, when I am asked (or I volunteer) to help a friend, or take on a project, or whatever, I’ll neglect everything about myself to make sure that my friend, or my project is perfect. For example, if I volunteer to help a friend find a new place to live, I will go out of my way to make sure that he/she finds the perfect place, gets the best deal, help pack the boxes, and throw the housewarming party. At work, it’s worse. Even though I hate bringing work home with me and try not to, if something isn’t going right with a project, or there’s a problem, I won’t be able to sleep at night until I find the perfect solution to bring everything back to normal.
When I first started college, I had a hard time finding balance in my life. I stressed out so much about making sure that my grades were perfect, my room was perfect, and everything else was perfect, that I didn’t have a lot of fun. That is, until I learned that I could reach perfection (or at least perfection enough for me) without spending all my time trying to achieve it. Basically, I learned the rule of “good enough” or in my case “perfect enough”. And as I got older, and joined the work force, that is where I developed my insane need to have as much separation between work and my social life as possible.
I tend to be the one to take on the toughest and most challenging projects at work. Not so much to please my bosses or make things easier for my coworkers, but more because I enjoy solving problems, and the bigger the problem, the better. When I first start a job, or a new project, I go through a period of time where I’ll work for insane hours and focus too much on the task at hand. Eventually, I find that happy medium of “good enough” and restore some semblance of balance to my life. Back in my single days, it was pretty easy, because I could work late and physically and emotionally exhaust myself, and then go home and shut everything off. If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Working hard was much easier back then.
Now, things are a little tougher. Roger and Kaelyn make up half the people that I want to please and when I go home, I stop being the perfect project manager and turn into the perfect wife and mother. I don’t get much time to rest or clear my head because I immediately start doing the things that will make my family happy. Cook a delicious dinner, play with Kaelyn, do the bath time and bedtime routines. I find balance, now, by allowing others to help me. If I have a headache, Roger can give Kae a bath and put her to bed. If Roger and I want a date night, we can ask friends to babysit. I pretty much learned that I don’t have to work a lot of overtime to do my job well, so I can make being with my family a priority. All of this is nice and has brought me more satisfaction, happiness, and balance than I’ve ever had before.
But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my life goes off kilter. Last week, I agreed to take on new and additional responsibilities at work. The perfectionist in me has re-emerged…and I’m exhausted. I haven’t yet figured out how much (or how little) I can put into what I’m doing and still have everything be perfect…or “good enough.” So, I’m working longer, harder, and stressing a little more than normal. I come home and feel the guilt of being late and of neglecting the people I love the most. It’s emotionally draining. Until I figure out how to restore balance to my life, I feel…well…off balance.
Last week, was both tough and great at the same time. By Friday afternoon, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed….in the hopes that I would feel refreshed in the morning. Instead, I met Roger and Kaelyn at Vickie’s house. Roger was installing some ceiling fans for her and she invited us to stay for dinner. By 8pm I was so tired I couldn’t even muster up the energy to drive home. I asked Roger if we could just leave my car behind. At that same time, I got word from Rob and Elisa that they had to leave Lake Tahoe early due to the severe weather. I offered to let them stay at our house overnight. This made me incredibly happy because I don’t see them very often, so getting an extra night and morning with them, unplanned, was exhilarating. But, the perfectionist in me came out. Roger brought me home, but I had to make sure the guest room and guest bathroom were perfect, that the little messes Roger had left in the house during the day were cleaned up. When they arrived, I stayed up late talking to them, which I’m truly grateful for, but it did leave me tired.
Saturday, instead of resting, I helped Vickie look for things for her backyard. It was raining and miserable. Roger got called in to work, and Kaelyn was being a typical 18 month old. I didn’t get home until 9pm, with a tired little girl, and an even more tired Mommy. I didn’t have enough time on Sunday to recover, and this week has been a challenge.
I’m sure, eventually, I will figure out a routine that works for me, Roger, and Kaelyn. Roger is incredibly supportive and more than willing to pick up my slack while I get used to new responsibilities. I love him so much for that. I’m ready to find the balance in my life again. Until then…I’m just tired.
What I am, is a perfectionist. So, when I am asked (or I volunteer) to help a friend, or take on a project, or whatever, I’ll neglect everything about myself to make sure that my friend, or my project is perfect. For example, if I volunteer to help a friend find a new place to live, I will go out of my way to make sure that he/she finds the perfect place, gets the best deal, help pack the boxes, and throw the housewarming party. At work, it’s worse. Even though I hate bringing work home with me and try not to, if something isn’t going right with a project, or there’s a problem, I won’t be able to sleep at night until I find the perfect solution to bring everything back to normal.
When I first started college, I had a hard time finding balance in my life. I stressed out so much about making sure that my grades were perfect, my room was perfect, and everything else was perfect, that I didn’t have a lot of fun. That is, until I learned that I could reach perfection (or at least perfection enough for me) without spending all my time trying to achieve it. Basically, I learned the rule of “good enough” or in my case “perfect enough”. And as I got older, and joined the work force, that is where I developed my insane need to have as much separation between work and my social life as possible.
I tend to be the one to take on the toughest and most challenging projects at work. Not so much to please my bosses or make things easier for my coworkers, but more because I enjoy solving problems, and the bigger the problem, the better. When I first start a job, or a new project, I go through a period of time where I’ll work for insane hours and focus too much on the task at hand. Eventually, I find that happy medium of “good enough” and restore some semblance of balance to my life. Back in my single days, it was pretty easy, because I could work late and physically and emotionally exhaust myself, and then go home and shut everything off. If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Working hard was much easier back then.
Now, things are a little tougher. Roger and Kaelyn make up half the people that I want to please and when I go home, I stop being the perfect project manager and turn into the perfect wife and mother. I don’t get much time to rest or clear my head because I immediately start doing the things that will make my family happy. Cook a delicious dinner, play with Kaelyn, do the bath time and bedtime routines. I find balance, now, by allowing others to help me. If I have a headache, Roger can give Kae a bath and put her to bed. If Roger and I want a date night, we can ask friends to babysit. I pretty much learned that I don’t have to work a lot of overtime to do my job well, so I can make being with my family a priority. All of this is nice and has brought me more satisfaction, happiness, and balance than I’ve ever had before.
But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my life goes off kilter. Last week, I agreed to take on new and additional responsibilities at work. The perfectionist in me has re-emerged…and I’m exhausted. I haven’t yet figured out how much (or how little) I can put into what I’m doing and still have everything be perfect…or “good enough.” So, I’m working longer, harder, and stressing a little more than normal. I come home and feel the guilt of being late and of neglecting the people I love the most. It’s emotionally draining. Until I figure out how to restore balance to my life, I feel…well…off balance.
Last week, was both tough and great at the same time. By Friday afternoon, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed….in the hopes that I would feel refreshed in the morning. Instead, I met Roger and Kaelyn at Vickie’s house. Roger was installing some ceiling fans for her and she invited us to stay for dinner. By 8pm I was so tired I couldn’t even muster up the energy to drive home. I asked Roger if we could just leave my car behind. At that same time, I got word from Rob and Elisa that they had to leave Lake Tahoe early due to the severe weather. I offered to let them stay at our house overnight. This made me incredibly happy because I don’t see them very often, so getting an extra night and morning with them, unplanned, was exhilarating. But, the perfectionist in me came out. Roger brought me home, but I had to make sure the guest room and guest bathroom were perfect, that the little messes Roger had left in the house during the day were cleaned up. When they arrived, I stayed up late talking to them, which I’m truly grateful for, but it did leave me tired.
Saturday, instead of resting, I helped Vickie look for things for her backyard. It was raining and miserable. Roger got called in to work, and Kaelyn was being a typical 18 month old. I didn’t get home until 9pm, with a tired little girl, and an even more tired Mommy. I didn’t have enough time on Sunday to recover, and this week has been a challenge.
I’m sure, eventually, I will figure out a routine that works for me, Roger, and Kaelyn. Roger is incredibly supportive and more than willing to pick up my slack while I get used to new responsibilities. I love him so much for that. I’m ready to find the balance in my life again. Until then…I’m just tired.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Japan, My Friend
I’ve traveled a lot in my short life. And I’ve lived all over the world. It’s funny how the places seem to take on the persona of the memories I have and almost come to life. The places hold just as much meaning to me as the people in them.
That’s why it was so hard to look at pictures and watch videos of the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis in North eastern Japan. I spent three years there, and Misawa, Hachinohe, and Aomori were my old stomping grounds. Just one week ago I was telling Roger how I dream of taking him and Kaelyn back there one day…to point out where I used to live, where I went to buy the best olive oil I’ve ever tasted, where we used to have bonfires on the beach, my favorite restaurants. Sadly, that will probably never happen now. We can go back…and we will, but it will probably feel as strange and foreign to me as it does to them. Watching the places I loved so much get swallowed up by the ocean was like experiencing the death of a close friend.
Of course, when I woke up Friday morning and heard of the earthquake, my first reaction and worries was about the people. My old friends and coworkers who live there, who have families there. It was hours before I was able to gather enough information to conclude that they were all ok. And I’m so incredibly grateful for that. Unfortunately, the places aren’t unscathed and today, I still mourn the loss of land and the buildings and the intangible part where the memories are all that’s left.
…………………
In more exciting news, we had a wonderful weekend. Rob and Elisa are spending their anniversary at Lake Tahoe and were able to stop by and spend some time with us on their way up. Saturday afternoon, we went wine tasting in Lodi and had dinner at Tex-Wasabi’s in Sacramento after that. We stayed up late talking, all fell asleep on the couch, and had Sunday morning to be lazy. After brunch at my favorite breakfast place, they headed up to start their vacation and Roger, Kae and I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing. Even though my heart was heavy with the news and worry about what is happening in Japan, having old friends around helped immensely. Even when the place doesn’t make it, the friendships are still there…and that has to be good enough.
That’s why it was so hard to look at pictures and watch videos of the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis in North eastern Japan. I spent three years there, and Misawa, Hachinohe, and Aomori were my old stomping grounds. Just one week ago I was telling Roger how I dream of taking him and Kaelyn back there one day…to point out where I used to live, where I went to buy the best olive oil I’ve ever tasted, where we used to have bonfires on the beach, my favorite restaurants. Sadly, that will probably never happen now. We can go back…and we will, but it will probably feel as strange and foreign to me as it does to them. Watching the places I loved so much get swallowed up by the ocean was like experiencing the death of a close friend.
Of course, when I woke up Friday morning and heard of the earthquake, my first reaction and worries was about the people. My old friends and coworkers who live there, who have families there. It was hours before I was able to gather enough information to conclude that they were all ok. And I’m so incredibly grateful for that. Unfortunately, the places aren’t unscathed and today, I still mourn the loss of land and the buildings and the intangible part where the memories are all that’s left.
…………………
In more exciting news, we had a wonderful weekend. Rob and Elisa are spending their anniversary at Lake Tahoe and were able to stop by and spend some time with us on their way up. Saturday afternoon, we went wine tasting in Lodi and had dinner at Tex-Wasabi’s in Sacramento after that. We stayed up late talking, all fell asleep on the couch, and had Sunday morning to be lazy. After brunch at my favorite breakfast place, they headed up to start their vacation and Roger, Kae and I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing. Even though my heart was heavy with the news and worry about what is happening in Japan, having old friends around helped immensely. Even when the place doesn’t make it, the friendships are still there…and that has to be good enough.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Spring Plantings
I love the start of a new season. Each season of the year brings with it fun events, traditions, outings and holidays. As the season's start to change, I tend to get excited about what's to come.
Even though it's still technically winter and although it's still raining off and on (I guess we'll have to put up with that for a few more weeks), signs of spring are already here. The cherry blossoms are blooming, the weather is gorgeous, and my favorite...the annuals and perennials are for sale! The good weather makes me happy and I always feel like celebrating it; especially right after winter. I appreciate the warm days so much more when I haven't experienced it in a while.
This weekend, Roger, Kaelyn and I decided to get our flowers, herbs, and vegetables and start preparing for the spring plantings. To be fair, as much as I love filling the pots with bright flowers and placing them around the patio, and as much as I love having an herb and vegetable garden, I don't do much to take care of them. Before Roger came along, I had to live with a longing for these things I never fulfilled. And watching him, this weekend, plant the flowers and herbs and measure out where we'll put the raised garden, made me fall in love with him all over again.
While we were planting, Kaelyn ran around the backyard and played with Buckeye and her wagon. She seemed to love rolling around the grass the most. Watching her reminded me of how much I loved doing the same thing when I was a kid and it brought back a lot of good memories of my childhood; simple, unexpecting joy.
We rounded out the day with a visit from Vickie and her dog, Max. They joined us for dinner and a late movie.
Sunday it rained pretty much all day, so we spent most of the day inside in our PJs. I believe, this was the last rain for the entire week! I'm looking forward to a relatively quiet work week (it never really is) and next weekend. Rob and Elisa, my old friends from when I was stationed in North Carolina, are coming for a quick visit!
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Also, I did get good news on Friday from both my coworkers. My friend's nephew was going through some testing, but he is stable. It looks like he'll be just fine. And my other coworker made it through her heart surgery with few complications (though there were some). No stints needed, just some extra rest and relaxation. Praise God that they are both ok!
Even though it's still technically winter and although it's still raining off and on (I guess we'll have to put up with that for a few more weeks), signs of spring are already here. The cherry blossoms are blooming, the weather is gorgeous, and my favorite...the annuals and perennials are for sale! The good weather makes me happy and I always feel like celebrating it; especially right after winter. I appreciate the warm days so much more when I haven't experienced it in a while.
This weekend, Roger, Kaelyn and I decided to get our flowers, herbs, and vegetables and start preparing for the spring plantings. To be fair, as much as I love filling the pots with bright flowers and placing them around the patio, and as much as I love having an herb and vegetable garden, I don't do much to take care of them. Before Roger came along, I had to live with a longing for these things I never fulfilled. And watching him, this weekend, plant the flowers and herbs and measure out where we'll put the raised garden, made me fall in love with him all over again.
While we were planting, Kaelyn ran around the backyard and played with Buckeye and her wagon. She seemed to love rolling around the grass the most. Watching her reminded me of how much I loved doing the same thing when I was a kid and it brought back a lot of good memories of my childhood; simple, unexpecting joy.
We rounded out the day with a visit from Vickie and her dog, Max. They joined us for dinner and a late movie.
Sunday it rained pretty much all day, so we spent most of the day inside in our PJs. I believe, this was the last rain for the entire week! I'm looking forward to a relatively quiet work week (it never really is) and next weekend. Rob and Elisa, my old friends from when I was stationed in North Carolina, are coming for a quick visit!
........................
Also, I did get good news on Friday from both my coworkers. My friend's nephew was going through some testing, but he is stable. It looks like he'll be just fine. And my other coworker made it through her heart surgery with few complications (though there were some). No stints needed, just some extra rest and relaxation. Praise God that they are both ok!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Is Tragedy Contagious?
When I was in college, my mother called me frantic. There had been a tragic accident involving a girl around my age. She died. The cause of the accident was that one of her tires had a blowout and she lost control of her car. My mom was sure that would happen to me too. Never mind that they had just bought be four new tires. My mom was convinced that something bad was about to happen to me. Nothing did.
This was just one incident in a long line of times that my mom started worrying about me because of something that happened to someone else. I always thought she was just crazy...and maybe she was. But, I inherited the crazy, because now that I have a daughter of my own, I totally know how she feels.
It seems that everyone around me at work is dealing with some major tragedy right now. A guy, with three young children, whose wife is undergoing cancer treatment. A woman whose young nephew went into cardiac arrest yesterday. Another woman, who sits right next to me, who is having heart surgery today and scared to death. I'm surrounded by young people (and in one case a child) who are going through health problems way too early in life. Yesterday, as I was helping my friend who had just heard about her nephew leave work, I started panicking. There's no way I could handle something like that if it were me...if it were Kaelyn. I started wondering what the symptoms of a heart attack are and made a mental note to look them up, just in case Kaelyn or Roger ever started experiencing them.
The day before, I asked the guy about his wife...and even though his words said that she was fine. His face, and especially his eyes, said that he was dying inside. I went back to my desk before I could burst into tears. How could I ever face the possibility of not watching Kaelyn grow up? If something were to happen to Roger, how would I find the strength to go on for her sake?
I know that tragedy isn't contagious, but I do get how my mom feels. Hearing these things reminds you of how fragile life is and what a gift it is. And while my heart aches for those that surround me, I do take a moment to be grateful that my family is safe. But just knowing how lucky we are isn't always enough. We are lucky...and one day it could be us. And that has weighed heavily on me the last few days.
Last night, I took extra time to hold Kaelyn close. She had no idea why I was so clingy, but embraced me anyway. I believe she knew I needed some comforting, and her sweetness made me cling to her even tighter. I took extra time to tell Roger how much I love him. Every time he left or walked into a room, I told him. Just in case something happened, I want him to know that.
Today, as I try to make it through work, I'll be waiting on phone calls from the two women mentioned here. I hope they both call with good news. Nephew is fine, surgery was fine...see you on Monday.
This was just one incident in a long line of times that my mom started worrying about me because of something that happened to someone else. I always thought she was just crazy...and maybe she was. But, I inherited the crazy, because now that I have a daughter of my own, I totally know how she feels.
It seems that everyone around me at work is dealing with some major tragedy right now. A guy, with three young children, whose wife is undergoing cancer treatment. A woman whose young nephew went into cardiac arrest yesterday. Another woman, who sits right next to me, who is having heart surgery today and scared to death. I'm surrounded by young people (and in one case a child) who are going through health problems way too early in life. Yesterday, as I was helping my friend who had just heard about her nephew leave work, I started panicking. There's no way I could handle something like that if it were me...if it were Kaelyn. I started wondering what the symptoms of a heart attack are and made a mental note to look them up, just in case Kaelyn or Roger ever started experiencing them.
The day before, I asked the guy about his wife...and even though his words said that she was fine. His face, and especially his eyes, said that he was dying inside. I went back to my desk before I could burst into tears. How could I ever face the possibility of not watching Kaelyn grow up? If something were to happen to Roger, how would I find the strength to go on for her sake?
I know that tragedy isn't contagious, but I do get how my mom feels. Hearing these things reminds you of how fragile life is and what a gift it is. And while my heart aches for those that surround me, I do take a moment to be grateful that my family is safe. But just knowing how lucky we are isn't always enough. We are lucky...and one day it could be us. And that has weighed heavily on me the last few days.
Last night, I took extra time to hold Kaelyn close. She had no idea why I was so clingy, but embraced me anyway. I believe she knew I needed some comforting, and her sweetness made me cling to her even tighter. I took extra time to tell Roger how much I love him. Every time he left or walked into a room, I told him. Just in case something happened, I want him to know that.
Today, as I try to make it through work, I'll be waiting on phone calls from the two women mentioned here. I hope they both call with good news. Nephew is fine, surgery was fine...see you on Monday.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Stormy Weather
A huge storm rolled through the state on Friday. Sheet rain, hail, and snow...although if we got any snow here in the valley, I totally missed it.
The storm was severe enough that we ended up cancelling a trip to go visit Stacy down south. Fear that the pass through the grapevine would be closed due to the snow. I was pretty disappointed because I haven't been down there in forever...since before Roger and I got married. And the last time I saw Stacy, Kaelyn was just a couple of months old.
But, once the disappointment wore off and the storm clouds passed through, it ended up being a beautiful weekend...even if a little cold. We took advantage of this and moved our new patio furniture out back on Friday night. Though we didn't use it because it was too nippy for me...even by the fireplace. Instead, we enjoyed some quiet time inside and even got a chance to sleep in a little on Sunday. A couple of shopping trips rounded out our weekend. All in all, I can't complain.
I bought the new Weight Watchers Cookbook. It has some nice things in it, but the truth is, I'll never follow a recipe. It's impossible. I will look through my cookbooks or online for inspiration and then change the recipe so completely that it's funny to even claim I used one. A good example of how I work is what happened on Saturday. As I was watching a show on the Food Network, I decided to browse online to see if I could find anything interesting to try making for dinner. In the end, I settled on a rack of lamb. It looked delicious!
We went shopping, but I didn't find any lamb that looked appealing enough to spend $12/lb on, so instead we got a good looking round roast. The intent was that I would follow the lamb recipe on the roast. The show I had watched that morning actually was about cooking pot roast, and so, at the last minute, I scrapped the lamp recipe completely in favor of that one. But, it was on tv that morning, and I was way too lazy to look anything up online. I've made post roast no less than 100 times and I have my own way of doing it, but I wanted to do something different. I tried to remember everything about the roast on the show and in the end, actually wrote an entirely different recipe that blows anything I've ever tasted before out of the water! Delicious! Last night we added some egg noodles to the pot and it was heaven. Kaelyn ate so much of it...for once, she didn't even give any to Buckeye. Made me so happy!
I have an intersting week ahead of me. Today is supposed to be my day off, but I'm actually going to go in for a few hours around lunchtime. Not thrilled with it, but don't hate it as much as I would have thought.
Until next time...
The storm was severe enough that we ended up cancelling a trip to go visit Stacy down south. Fear that the pass through the grapevine would be closed due to the snow. I was pretty disappointed because I haven't been down there in forever...since before Roger and I got married. And the last time I saw Stacy, Kaelyn was just a couple of months old.
But, once the disappointment wore off and the storm clouds passed through, it ended up being a beautiful weekend...even if a little cold. We took advantage of this and moved our new patio furniture out back on Friday night. Though we didn't use it because it was too nippy for me...even by the fireplace. Instead, we enjoyed some quiet time inside and even got a chance to sleep in a little on Sunday. A couple of shopping trips rounded out our weekend. All in all, I can't complain.
I bought the new Weight Watchers Cookbook. It has some nice things in it, but the truth is, I'll never follow a recipe. It's impossible. I will look through my cookbooks or online for inspiration and then change the recipe so completely that it's funny to even claim I used one. A good example of how I work is what happened on Saturday. As I was watching a show on the Food Network, I decided to browse online to see if I could find anything interesting to try making for dinner. In the end, I settled on a rack of lamb. It looked delicious!
We went shopping, but I didn't find any lamb that looked appealing enough to spend $12/lb on, so instead we got a good looking round roast. The intent was that I would follow the lamb recipe on the roast. The show I had watched that morning actually was about cooking pot roast, and so, at the last minute, I scrapped the lamp recipe completely in favor of that one. But, it was on tv that morning, and I was way too lazy to look anything up online. I've made post roast no less than 100 times and I have my own way of doing it, but I wanted to do something different. I tried to remember everything about the roast on the show and in the end, actually wrote an entirely different recipe that blows anything I've ever tasted before out of the water! Delicious! Last night we added some egg noodles to the pot and it was heaven. Kaelyn ate so much of it...for once, she didn't even give any to Buckeye. Made me so happy!
I have an intersting week ahead of me. Today is supposed to be my day off, but I'm actually going to go in for a few hours around lunchtime. Not thrilled with it, but don't hate it as much as I would have thought.
Until next time...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Dang All These Nice People!
I’ve always been pretty good at compartmentalizing my life. I separate work and family. I don’t like to socialize with co-workers outside of work functions. I’m friendly with my neighbors, but don’t go on vacations with them, etc.
I’m not sure why I’m this way. Whether it’s because I’m extraordinarily bad at separating emotions from business decisions, focusing on work if I’m worried about someone, or something else entirely, I’ve just never been one to intermingle the different aspects of my life.
I’m not even exactly sure when this started. In high school, I played Volleyball and loved it. Obviously, there was camaraderie with the team and I loved them like sisters. But my best friends had nothing to do with Volleyball. I spent more time with my teammates than anyone. I was even in two of their weddings. But the friends I was most emotionally wrapped in were not on the team. I never even had a party where I invited both my teammates and my other school friends. They were always separate.
In the Air Force, separating work from my social life was hard. Living overseas and several deployments really limited my opportunities to make friends that weren’t also in the AF. And being a Civil Engineer, I, at some point or another in my career, worked with just about everyone. I tended to get past this by forming close relationships with people outside of my squadron. People I had other things in common with, such as church, or hiking groups, or anything besides me having to see them at work all the time. But, regardless, I worked with some pretty great people at times. And I couldn’t help but genuinely like some of them. Still, if I got into a situation where I was too close, or where too much intimacy formed, I would get uncomfortable and shut down. I maintained a cool distance from most of them. I would rather my coworkers believe that I wasn’t all that friendly, than violate my own need (no matter how selfish) to not be too close to any of them. To this day, I’m happy with the decisions I made. My job was often hard and there’s no way I could have enjoyed what I was doing, or fully focused on it, if I had to also maintain close friendships.
As a civilian, things continue to get murkier for me. I have several friends in completely different career fields. I live in a pretty populated place with plenty of opportunities to put everyone I know if the neat little boxes I create for them. The problem is that people are just way too nice. What starts out as, what I feel, is someone forcing their friendship on me, turns into me having real feelings and really caring for them. I know I’m sounding pretty cold right now, but I’ve never had a problem, before now, just saying I have work friends and I have real friends. The two shall never meet!
Especially now, all someone has to do is ask me about Kaelyn and I’m sucked right in. I love talking about her! And it’s the quickest way for me to forget all my personal “rules” and just dive right in to a detailed conversation about things that have nothing to do with work. I don’t have many friends with kids…at least young kids. So, when someone at work offers me that connection, I jump right in. Then I realize something I was hoping I’d never have to. These are great people, who have a lot to offer a friendship. Now, it’s too late. I have more than just “work friends”, I have “friends at work.” It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in. But, there’s nothing I can do about it.
I like them all to darned much!!
I’m not sure why I’m this way. Whether it’s because I’m extraordinarily bad at separating emotions from business decisions, focusing on work if I’m worried about someone, or something else entirely, I’ve just never been one to intermingle the different aspects of my life.
I’m not even exactly sure when this started. In high school, I played Volleyball and loved it. Obviously, there was camaraderie with the team and I loved them like sisters. But my best friends had nothing to do with Volleyball. I spent more time with my teammates than anyone. I was even in two of their weddings. But the friends I was most emotionally wrapped in were not on the team. I never even had a party where I invited both my teammates and my other school friends. They were always separate.
In the Air Force, separating work from my social life was hard. Living overseas and several deployments really limited my opportunities to make friends that weren’t also in the AF. And being a Civil Engineer, I, at some point or another in my career, worked with just about everyone. I tended to get past this by forming close relationships with people outside of my squadron. People I had other things in common with, such as church, or hiking groups, or anything besides me having to see them at work all the time. But, regardless, I worked with some pretty great people at times. And I couldn’t help but genuinely like some of them. Still, if I got into a situation where I was too close, or where too much intimacy formed, I would get uncomfortable and shut down. I maintained a cool distance from most of them. I would rather my coworkers believe that I wasn’t all that friendly, than violate my own need (no matter how selfish) to not be too close to any of them. To this day, I’m happy with the decisions I made. My job was often hard and there’s no way I could have enjoyed what I was doing, or fully focused on it, if I had to also maintain close friendships.
As a civilian, things continue to get murkier for me. I have several friends in completely different career fields. I live in a pretty populated place with plenty of opportunities to put everyone I know if the neat little boxes I create for them. The problem is that people are just way too nice. What starts out as, what I feel, is someone forcing their friendship on me, turns into me having real feelings and really caring for them. I know I’m sounding pretty cold right now, but I’ve never had a problem, before now, just saying I have work friends and I have real friends. The two shall never meet!
Especially now, all someone has to do is ask me about Kaelyn and I’m sucked right in. I love talking about her! And it’s the quickest way for me to forget all my personal “rules” and just dive right in to a detailed conversation about things that have nothing to do with work. I don’t have many friends with kids…at least young kids. So, when someone at work offers me that connection, I jump right in. Then I realize something I was hoping I’d never have to. These are great people, who have a lot to offer a friendship. Now, it’s too late. I have more than just “work friends”, I have “friends at work.” It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in. But, there’s nothing I can do about it.
I like them all to darned much!!
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