Kaelyn's appointment went well...it offered us a lot of insight into what we should and shouldn't expect of her at this stage in her development. Our appointment was at 9:30 and we arrived on time, at 9:15. By 10, we still had not been seen and I was getting a little anxious. Finally, a physical therapist approached us in the waiting room, and asked us if we were there for Kaelyn. I said "yes" and she asked us why we hadn't signed in...um...we had. Supposedly, the receptionist was supposed to inform them the minute we got there. For this testing, they don't want the babies hanging out in the waiting room for too long. We soon found out why.
Testing takes about two hours all together. This long period of time encroached on Kaelyn's usual feeding and nap time...as would be the case for most babies. Hence, not making them wait, which would increase the time when they were alert and not frustrated.
We started with the physical therapist. She explained that they never used to see babies that were born past 34 weeks, but were finding that some of the things that developed later in pregnancy could cause an "imbalance" with the babies. I forget what this imbalance is. It has something to do with how their backs are stronger than their stomachs...true for all babies, but it's more pronounced in preemies. As she was explaining all of this to us, she was giving Kaelyn toys to play with. Kaelyn was sitting on my lap pulled up to a table. I was aware that she was watching everything that both of us did. Kaelyn chatted up the PT as well as lookto Roger and me with excitement when she got a new toy. She played with the toys well, followed them when they fell, reached for them, and threw them. I knew she was doing well.
As we neared the end of the "playing" session, Kaelyn started getting fussy. She was hungry and it was time for her nap. She was rubbing her eyes and I asked the PT what we could do for her...the answer...nothing. We moved to the floor to see her sit up, roll over, and stand on her legs Kaelyn does all these things at home. She sat with no problem, but because she was tired, didn't want to play with any more toys. She rolls over all the time at home...I mean all the time, but once she was put on her back, she just wanted to sleep. She rolled to her side, but didn't roll over all the way. She doesn't love being on her stomach, so it didn't surprise me that she didn't want to roll over on her tummy when she was tired and hungry. On her stomach, she did better...as soon as she was flipped over, she rolled back on her back and started scooting, on her back, towards Roger, who had her bottle. The PT told us that back scooting needed to be discouraged, since her stomach muscles are weaker. We want her to scoot on her stomach and strengthen those.
She refused to stand at all. Kaelyn does put weight on her legs, but I have to admit, not often. Sometimes, when I'm holding her, she will bear down on my lap and and attempt to crawl over my shoulder, but if try to stand her up, she mostly lifts her legs up and refuses. I don't know why. Sometimes she does it, but mostly not.
The PT part of the test was over. Next it was to see a nurse for an exam. We waited just five minutes for this, but once we gave Kaelyn her bottle, she was out. We had to wake her up for the second part of the exam. Luckily, she woke up happy, but again, refused to put much weight on her legs. The nurse observed her bearing down on me while I was holding her, but apparently, she doesn't get "credit" for that. Her exam went well. She is healthy and has no apparent neurological problems we need to worry about. The nurse gave us the results of her testing, which put her at advanced in language and fine motor skills...even for an 8 month old (she was tested as if she were 6 months old). But, they said she is slightly delayed in gross motor skills...she would be on par according to what I reported to them, but from what they observed, she needs work on this. The nurse said there was no reason that she could see from her exam for Kaelyn not to be putting weight on her legs. She is strong, bears down on them often when I'm holding her or she's on her back. She has good form and did roll over for the nurse. They gave us some exercises we could do with her to help her develop these muscles more.
Bottom line...Kaelyn does not need to return to the clinic for additional testing or PT. She is fine. We do need to be seen twice more, which is mandatory for this program...the next time we go is in Feb 2011. Roger and I need to be more strict about her tummy time and they are sure that she will be crawling in no time if we do this. Kaelyn has a strong personality and they said that she will get frustrated when she tries to do something her body is not ready to do...we have observed this. She will cry, but we need to let her keep trying to do things despite her frustration. It is what she wants...and this makes sense to me. I see her strain to get her knees under her and then she cries when she can't do it. If I roll her back over on her back, thinking she's tired of being on her tummy, she cries even more...and then rolls back on her stomach to continue crying and screaming. I didn't understand this until the nurse and PT explained it to me. It's not that she doesn't want to be on her tummy, she does...she cries out of frustration because she's trying to crawl and can't.
So, there's my understaning. I get it now. I need more patience. That will be harder for me than crawling is for Kaelyn.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Adapt and Overcome
I am anxiously awaiting Kaelyn’s appointment this morning. In the meantime, I thought I’d blog about our rafting weekend.
This weekend was all about remaining flexible and powering through the unexpected. Things didn’t always go as planned; the weather was crazy and the water unpredictable. Still, we all kept great attitudes and had a wonderful time despite the “challenges”. Adapt and overcome was definitely our theme…
For us, the weekend really started Thursday evening. Our good friend, Geraldine, came to dinner, with two of her daughters and granddaughter. Her granddaughter is just two months older than Kaelyn. We had a great time getting to know her family and watching the babies play together. Afterwards, we contemplated packing everything up, but decided instead, to sit back, relax and enjoy some strawberry daiquiris.
Because of this procrastination, which is really unusual for me, Friday morning was a lot more hectic than it needed to be. We normally take our van camping because we can turn the backseat into a bed and don’t have to deal with the weather. But, on this trip, that didn’t work out. Roger spent the majority of the morning attempting to replace the fan belt. Two trips to the auto parts store and our friend Rick’s attempt to help move things along, and the van still wasn’t fixed. That led to reloading all our camping equipment, as well as getting tents and air mattresses out of our attic and into our truck. I did my best to get myself and Kaelyn packed and ready as fast as I could to help out Roger and Rick. In the end, we left an hour later than planned. Our caravan patiently waited for us and we still were able to get to the campsite early enough to secure the river side locations (the only purpose of getting there early). We enjoyed a picnic lunch (for Roger and me, it was leftovers from the night before) and a lot of relaxation by the river before we set up the campsite. The rest of our group slowly trickled in and by nightfall, we were all present and ready for a big bbq. Roger is the grill master and cooked up tri-tip and the best tasting pork tenderloin I’ve ever eaten. It was chilly that night (a first for this particular trip) and Kaelyn had trouble falling asleep. We bundled her up and she actually stayed very warm…but that didn’t stop me from waking up a thousand times that night to check on her.
Saturday was very exciting and dramatic. There were some mishaps on the water in the morning that scared a few people. Roger had to make another rescue of rafters stuck on rocks, and Kenny actually took some water in his lungs, which wasn’t great. Everyone made it to lunch in one piece, but several rafters opted out of going back out on the water in the afternoon. Those that did continue on, came back early due to the hail…yes, that’s right…hail, in late May, in California! Roger powered on with a couple others and for them, the sun did come out and they had a great time. The rest of us warmed up by the fire and took long, much needed afternoon naps.
Sunday, the weather was much better…mid seventies and even hot at times. All the rafters had a much better and easier time on the water. I’m also happy to say that Kaelyn is a trooper! She did great on her first camp trip and aside from a few moments of fussiness, when she was tired and over stimulated, she did great. She loves being the center of attention and there was no lack of it on this trip! After rafting was done, we broke down the camp and packed everything back up. I was tired and really wanted to go home, shower, and sleep, but the guys wanted to stay behind and enjoy “one last cigar by the water”. Roger worked so hard setting this trip up for everyone that I couldn’t deny him that, so I pretended that I wanted to take pictures of Kaelyn by the water and didn’t mind staying. We ended up leaving much later than we thought (the guys were having so much fun together) and didn’t get up until around 9:30 Sunday night. After unloading the truck, giving Kaelyn a bath and putting her to bed, and taking our showers, it was close to 11 before we got to bed. Exhausted, we were all asleep almost instantaneously. I don’t think I ever slept so deeply.
Now, I’m back to my normal week…minus this pesky doctor appointment. One more hour…I’ll update later.
This weekend was all about remaining flexible and powering through the unexpected. Things didn’t always go as planned; the weather was crazy and the water unpredictable. Still, we all kept great attitudes and had a wonderful time despite the “challenges”. Adapt and overcome was definitely our theme…
For us, the weekend really started Thursday evening. Our good friend, Geraldine, came to dinner, with two of her daughters and granddaughter. Her granddaughter is just two months older than Kaelyn. We had a great time getting to know her family and watching the babies play together. Afterwards, we contemplated packing everything up, but decided instead, to sit back, relax and enjoy some strawberry daiquiris.
Because of this procrastination, which is really unusual for me, Friday morning was a lot more hectic than it needed to be. We normally take our van camping because we can turn the backseat into a bed and don’t have to deal with the weather. But, on this trip, that didn’t work out. Roger spent the majority of the morning attempting to replace the fan belt. Two trips to the auto parts store and our friend Rick’s attempt to help move things along, and the van still wasn’t fixed. That led to reloading all our camping equipment, as well as getting tents and air mattresses out of our attic and into our truck. I did my best to get myself and Kaelyn packed and ready as fast as I could to help out Roger and Rick. In the end, we left an hour later than planned. Our caravan patiently waited for us and we still were able to get to the campsite early enough to secure the river side locations (the only purpose of getting there early). We enjoyed a picnic lunch (for Roger and me, it was leftovers from the night before) and a lot of relaxation by the river before we set up the campsite. The rest of our group slowly trickled in and by nightfall, we were all present and ready for a big bbq. Roger is the grill master and cooked up tri-tip and the best tasting pork tenderloin I’ve ever eaten. It was chilly that night (a first for this particular trip) and Kaelyn had trouble falling asleep. We bundled her up and she actually stayed very warm…but that didn’t stop me from waking up a thousand times that night to check on her.
Saturday was very exciting and dramatic. There were some mishaps on the water in the morning that scared a few people. Roger had to make another rescue of rafters stuck on rocks, and Kenny actually took some water in his lungs, which wasn’t great. Everyone made it to lunch in one piece, but several rafters opted out of going back out on the water in the afternoon. Those that did continue on, came back early due to the hail…yes, that’s right…hail, in late May, in California! Roger powered on with a couple others and for them, the sun did come out and they had a great time. The rest of us warmed up by the fire and took long, much needed afternoon naps.
Sunday, the weather was much better…mid seventies and even hot at times. All the rafters had a much better and easier time on the water. I’m also happy to say that Kaelyn is a trooper! She did great on her first camp trip and aside from a few moments of fussiness, when she was tired and over stimulated, she did great. She loves being the center of attention and there was no lack of it on this trip! After rafting was done, we broke down the camp and packed everything back up. I was tired and really wanted to go home, shower, and sleep, but the guys wanted to stay behind and enjoy “one last cigar by the water”. Roger worked so hard setting this trip up for everyone that I couldn’t deny him that, so I pretended that I wanted to take pictures of Kaelyn by the water and didn’t mind staying. We ended up leaving much later than we thought (the guys were having so much fun together) and didn’t get up until around 9:30 Sunday night. After unloading the truck, giving Kaelyn a bath and putting her to bed, and taking our showers, it was close to 11 before we got to bed. Exhausted, we were all asleep almost instantaneously. I don’t think I ever slept so deeply.
Now, I’m back to my normal week…minus this pesky doctor appointment. One more hour…I’ll update later.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Easy Week
This is supposed to be an easy week for me. And it is. I'm taking a class for work here locally. So, I get to sleep in and still get home by 4pm. It's nice. Of course, I still have to work and while it's nice to see that things on the project continue to move forward without me...the things that are stalled are stalled regardless of where I am during the day, I still sometimes wish I was at work, where at least I can feel like I'm doing something productive. Still, things are relaxed for us this week. It's almost like a mini vacation.
Thursday night, we get a real treat. A good friend who moved away is coming to dinner along with her daughter(s) and granddaughter. They live here but we've never met in person. Her graddaughter is the same age as Kaelyn...just two months older. I'm looking forward to this for so many reasons. One, we get to see our friend again, who we miss dearly. Two, we get to meet the family she loves so much and three, we get to do this while I cook a yummy dinner...which I love doing!
I'm taking Friday off because it's time for our annual rafting trip. This is the rafting trip on the river that Roger had to save me from several years ago. The save and the river that brought us together as a couple. One day, I will get to tell Kaelyn that story. And I think it's pretty cool that I can pinpoint the moment Roger stopped being my friend and our lives changed forever. I can now take our daughter back there and say "this is the place where I was standing when I realized how wonderful your father is...and our paths converged...and led to you." This memory makes me so happy. Even though it has been unseasonably cool this week and I think this will be the first year we are not rafting in 100 degree weather, I'm still looking forward to this trip...Kaelyn's first camping trip...I'm sure she will do ok, even though I'm just cautiously optimistic.
There's not much else going on. We went shopping with a friend on Sunday. The original plan was to go with our friend's mother, who is remodeling her kitchen. Roger is helping her and she wanted to go to Ikea and look at cabinets. We are considering redoing our closets (especially Kaelyn's) and so I decided to tag along. Turns out that our friend's mother wasn't able to go, but since we found out just an hour before we were supposed to meet, we decided to go anyway. I'm not a huge Ikea fan. I just don't like the modern, small furniture. But, I do love their space saving ideas and their organizational products. I also love their prices. So, while I don't want to go there too often, I still enjoy walking through the store when I do.
There's not really much else to report on. Kaelyn goes to the development clinic on Monday morning. I'm both anxious about it and ready to get it over with. I'm nervous about what they will say...even though I know her development is not delayed...at least not further than her adjusted age (I think she's ahead of that). I wish this wasn't something I worried so much about...I could enjoy this great week even more. There always seems to be something though...
I have a good life.
Thursday night, we get a real treat. A good friend who moved away is coming to dinner along with her daughter(s) and granddaughter. They live here but we've never met in person. Her graddaughter is the same age as Kaelyn...just two months older. I'm looking forward to this for so many reasons. One, we get to see our friend again, who we miss dearly. Two, we get to meet the family she loves so much and three, we get to do this while I cook a yummy dinner...which I love doing!
I'm taking Friday off because it's time for our annual rafting trip. This is the rafting trip on the river that Roger had to save me from several years ago. The save and the river that brought us together as a couple. One day, I will get to tell Kaelyn that story. And I think it's pretty cool that I can pinpoint the moment Roger stopped being my friend and our lives changed forever. I can now take our daughter back there and say "this is the place where I was standing when I realized how wonderful your father is...and our paths converged...and led to you." This memory makes me so happy. Even though it has been unseasonably cool this week and I think this will be the first year we are not rafting in 100 degree weather, I'm still looking forward to this trip...Kaelyn's first camping trip...I'm sure she will do ok, even though I'm just cautiously optimistic.
There's not much else going on. We went shopping with a friend on Sunday. The original plan was to go with our friend's mother, who is remodeling her kitchen. Roger is helping her and she wanted to go to Ikea and look at cabinets. We are considering redoing our closets (especially Kaelyn's) and so I decided to tag along. Turns out that our friend's mother wasn't able to go, but since we found out just an hour before we were supposed to meet, we decided to go anyway. I'm not a huge Ikea fan. I just don't like the modern, small furniture. But, I do love their space saving ideas and their organizational products. I also love their prices. So, while I don't want to go there too often, I still enjoy walking through the store when I do.
There's not really much else to report on. Kaelyn goes to the development clinic on Monday morning. I'm both anxious about it and ready to get it over with. I'm nervous about what they will say...even though I know her development is not delayed...at least not further than her adjusted age (I think she's ahead of that). I wish this wasn't something I worried so much about...I could enjoy this great week even more. There always seems to be something though...
I have a good life.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Pressure
I put a lot of pressure on myself. I always have. Now, I worry about putting that same pressure on my daughter…and I don’t want to do that. I fight with myself to encourage her and teach her, build confidence while at the same time not make her feel like she has to excel at everything.
When I was a child, my parents, particularly my mom, decided that I was smart. I had a knack for memorization, have what some would say is a photographic memory, and I displayed these talents as a very young child. My parents translated that into above average intelligence (which is just good memory…doesn’t have a lot to do with retaining knowledge). They always told me I was very smart and that I could excel in anything I did. I believed them and this gave me a lot of confidence. I wasn’t intimidated by academics because I truly believed that I could “get” and “learn” anything. I think this was a very good thing and that had I not had that positive reinforcement, I may not have tried or accomplished half of the things I have.
But at the same time, that encouragement came with a lot of pressure. I felt like, because I was “smart”, I couldn’t fail. I had to do well. Where other kids recognized that getting a B in some subjects was not a bad thing, I feared it. I was particularly afraid of my parents’ disapproval if I wasn’t the best. I still, as a well-adjusted adult, feel the same way. Some things came easy to me and I could do well without much effort…others, not so much. In these areas, I stressed. I remember times when I literally memorized class notes and books word-for-word and regurgitated them on tests. I didn’t learn anything, but I got an A, and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, this pressure I felt has followed me throughout life. Afraid of my parents’ reactions to my shortcomings, I got straight A’s in school, went to West Point, graduated at the top of my class in Purdue, and continue to attempt to find ways to prove that I exceed expectations in all areas. Things that I haven’t excelled in, like running, I found other ways to prove myself. I’m slow and labored and I pretty much hate it…so, I ran two marathons. Now I can say, “I might suck at running, but I ran and finished two marathons, so there.” I basically punished myself for not being good at something.
I don’t want to put the same pressure on Kaelyn. I want her to be happy. But at the same time, I want to her to have limitless opportunities. If she wants to go to a particular college or accomplish any athletic, artistic or musical goal, I don’t want there to be barriers for her. Sure, she can work hard and do whatever she wants, but I also know that it’s not always realistic. I want her to be challenged, without having to experience much impossibility….even though I know that this isn’t realistic. I find myself projecting the pressure I felt as a child and as an adult on her. I worry about damaging her.
What is the source of all this? Well, it’s an impending Doctors’ appointment. Before Kaelyn was born, it never occurred to me that I would have a child that wasn’t academically and physically smart. I excelled academically and was average physically. Roger is extraordinarily smart, a really good athlete, and musically gifted. I naively and proudly believed (and still do) that our child would exhibit all our strengths and none of our weaknesses.
But, I had a difficult pregnancy and although it was a true miracle that I carried her as long as I did (especially when you couple the “high risk” with the fact that I continued to work on a construction site), she was still born prematurely. Drs and nurses alike told me to expect that she would hit milestones according to her adjusted age (based on her due date and not birth date). This made sense to me, but I thought, “It’s less than 6 weeks difference and considering her amazingly good health and the fact that I believe that she is smart…she will hit her milestones at her true age.”
Kaelyn has done extremely well and I’m proud to say that I haven’t worried about her development…up ‘til now. Because she was a preemie, she was automatically enrolled in a development clinic. This means that she will be tested to make sure she hits milestones as she is expected to. She will be “graded” at her adjusted age. The purpose of this clinic is to make sure that she has no “hidden” problems and to impose early intervention if she needs it. It’s a good thing because if she does need help, we have the opportunity to identify that very early and work with her, so these things won’t be a challenge for her later. Her first appointment is in just over a week. I believe that she will be required to go at least three times in her first three years of life…but, am hoping that we won’t need to be in the program past the first appointment.
The problem is that I’m afraid of what they will say about her. I don’t want to hear that she is behind. I don’t want to hear that she might need special help. I’m conflicted because on one hand, I understand that needing help does not translate into a lifetime of being “different” or reduced opportunities…it doesn’t mean that there is anything “wrong” with her, it doesn’t limit her future, and it doesn’t say anything about me or our family. Yet, I feel the pressure. I have fruitlessly tried to find out what will be expected of her at this appointment. I am now reading about milestones. I started worrying that although she sits up, scoots, rolls over, babbles, even says “da-da”, she’s not crawling or pulling herself up (either sitting or standing). She appears to be teething, but she has no teeth. She will turn 8 months old just a day before this appointment. I am now wondering “why isn’t she doing these things?” “What can I do to help her do these things sooner?”
I expressed these worries to Roger and he asked me a very pointed question. “Is this about you, or is it about her? Because she is just fine. She is alert, healthy, and happy. It’s bad enough that you do this to yourself. Don’t do it to her.”
And there’s the problem. I’m starting to do the very thing I resented my parents for to my daughter. I’m putting unrealistic pressure on her. I’m obsessed with her milestones and development. I worry that maybe she isn’t going to be as “talented” as Roger and I are. She is only 7 months old!!
So, now I wonder….how do I encourage her? How do I give her praise, give her confidence, make her believe that she can conquer the world if she chooses to? And how do I do all these things without making her feel like she can’t have areas where she’s not the best, that she won’t be able to do everything all the time and that it’s ok? How do I take the things that my parents did right and how they helped me believe I could be and do anything while not doing the damage of putting all this pressure on her? I don’t know…but I need to figure it out soon.
Still, I worry and wonder about this appointment. I pray that it goes well…this is not healthy thinking and it’s not good for Kaelyn.
When I was a child, my parents, particularly my mom, decided that I was smart. I had a knack for memorization, have what some would say is a photographic memory, and I displayed these talents as a very young child. My parents translated that into above average intelligence (which is just good memory…doesn’t have a lot to do with retaining knowledge). They always told me I was very smart and that I could excel in anything I did. I believed them and this gave me a lot of confidence. I wasn’t intimidated by academics because I truly believed that I could “get” and “learn” anything. I think this was a very good thing and that had I not had that positive reinforcement, I may not have tried or accomplished half of the things I have.
But at the same time, that encouragement came with a lot of pressure. I felt like, because I was “smart”, I couldn’t fail. I had to do well. Where other kids recognized that getting a B in some subjects was not a bad thing, I feared it. I was particularly afraid of my parents’ disapproval if I wasn’t the best. I still, as a well-adjusted adult, feel the same way. Some things came easy to me and I could do well without much effort…others, not so much. In these areas, I stressed. I remember times when I literally memorized class notes and books word-for-word and regurgitated them on tests. I didn’t learn anything, but I got an A, and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, this pressure I felt has followed me throughout life. Afraid of my parents’ reactions to my shortcomings, I got straight A’s in school, went to West Point, graduated at the top of my class in Purdue, and continue to attempt to find ways to prove that I exceed expectations in all areas. Things that I haven’t excelled in, like running, I found other ways to prove myself. I’m slow and labored and I pretty much hate it…so, I ran two marathons. Now I can say, “I might suck at running, but I ran and finished two marathons, so there.” I basically punished myself for not being good at something.
I don’t want to put the same pressure on Kaelyn. I want her to be happy. But at the same time, I want to her to have limitless opportunities. If she wants to go to a particular college or accomplish any athletic, artistic or musical goal, I don’t want there to be barriers for her. Sure, she can work hard and do whatever she wants, but I also know that it’s not always realistic. I want her to be challenged, without having to experience much impossibility….even though I know that this isn’t realistic. I find myself projecting the pressure I felt as a child and as an adult on her. I worry about damaging her.
What is the source of all this? Well, it’s an impending Doctors’ appointment. Before Kaelyn was born, it never occurred to me that I would have a child that wasn’t academically and physically smart. I excelled academically and was average physically. Roger is extraordinarily smart, a really good athlete, and musically gifted. I naively and proudly believed (and still do) that our child would exhibit all our strengths and none of our weaknesses.
But, I had a difficult pregnancy and although it was a true miracle that I carried her as long as I did (especially when you couple the “high risk” with the fact that I continued to work on a construction site), she was still born prematurely. Drs and nurses alike told me to expect that she would hit milestones according to her adjusted age (based on her due date and not birth date). This made sense to me, but I thought, “It’s less than 6 weeks difference and considering her amazingly good health and the fact that I believe that she is smart…she will hit her milestones at her true age.”
Kaelyn has done extremely well and I’m proud to say that I haven’t worried about her development…up ‘til now. Because she was a preemie, she was automatically enrolled in a development clinic. This means that she will be tested to make sure she hits milestones as she is expected to. She will be “graded” at her adjusted age. The purpose of this clinic is to make sure that she has no “hidden” problems and to impose early intervention if she needs it. It’s a good thing because if she does need help, we have the opportunity to identify that very early and work with her, so these things won’t be a challenge for her later. Her first appointment is in just over a week. I believe that she will be required to go at least three times in her first three years of life…but, am hoping that we won’t need to be in the program past the first appointment.
The problem is that I’m afraid of what they will say about her. I don’t want to hear that she is behind. I don’t want to hear that she might need special help. I’m conflicted because on one hand, I understand that needing help does not translate into a lifetime of being “different” or reduced opportunities…it doesn’t mean that there is anything “wrong” with her, it doesn’t limit her future, and it doesn’t say anything about me or our family. Yet, I feel the pressure. I have fruitlessly tried to find out what will be expected of her at this appointment. I am now reading about milestones. I started worrying that although she sits up, scoots, rolls over, babbles, even says “da-da”, she’s not crawling or pulling herself up (either sitting or standing). She appears to be teething, but she has no teeth. She will turn 8 months old just a day before this appointment. I am now wondering “why isn’t she doing these things?” “What can I do to help her do these things sooner?”
I expressed these worries to Roger and he asked me a very pointed question. “Is this about you, or is it about her? Because she is just fine. She is alert, healthy, and happy. It’s bad enough that you do this to yourself. Don’t do it to her.”
And there’s the problem. I’m starting to do the very thing I resented my parents for to my daughter. I’m putting unrealistic pressure on her. I’m obsessed with her milestones and development. I worry that maybe she isn’t going to be as “talented” as Roger and I are. She is only 7 months old!!
So, now I wonder….how do I encourage her? How do I give her praise, give her confidence, make her believe that she can conquer the world if she chooses to? And how do I do all these things without making her feel like she can’t have areas where she’s not the best, that she won’t be able to do everything all the time and that it’s ok? How do I take the things that my parents did right and how they helped me believe I could be and do anything while not doing the damage of putting all this pressure on her? I don’t know…but I need to figure it out soon.
Still, I worry and wonder about this appointment. I pray that it goes well…this is not healthy thinking and it’s not good for Kaelyn.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mothers' Day and Week Two
This was my first Mothers’ Day and it was important for me to acknowledge it…but not necessarily for the reasons you’d think. When I was a child, my parents didn’t put a lot of emphasis on things like Valentine’s Day, Mothers’/Fathers’ Day, etc. We celebrated the major holidays and left the “hallmark” holidays alone. But I realized that these days were still important to my parents, or at least important to my mother. It’s just that I didn’t realize how important until I was old enough to pay attention to my intuition. As children, my brother and I depended heavily on our parents to remind us that a birthday or holiday was coming up and guide us into doing something “special”. My father never did this, so we never really did anything for my mom for either Mothers’ Day or her birthday. As an adult, this makes me sad. And while my mom was a little better at encouraging us to do things for our father, those days were still relatively unremarkable.
That being said, I never really cared about these holidays either. In my world, parents acknowledged kids’ birthday, but their own birthdays just went by the wayside. Today, it’s very difficult for me to plan ahead for birthdays and “hallmark” holidays because I wasn’t raised having to worry about them. Yet, I see people who remember and plan small, yet special gifts/events and I wish I were more like them. I try hard, but I still lack the forethought and often end up either scrambling to put something together at the last minute or forgetting all together. As a severely “Type A” personality, I don’t deal well with that kind of stress. I don’t want Kaelyn to be like me. I want her to be sensitive to what’s important to other people and I feel like Roger and I need to practice teaching her that now. So, I wanted Mothers’ Day to be acknowledged, not so much for me, but for her (although the me part was also nice). If Roger and I get in the habit of acknowledging these days, then Kaelyn will grow up to acknowledge them as well. It should be intuitive for her, what is so difficult for me.
Anyway…
Our weekend was really nice. Friday night, we met some friends, (friends we haven’t’ seen in a while) and spent the evening eating good food, drinking good wine, and laughing. We didn’t get home until after midnight and Roger had a contracting licensing class on Saturday. So poor him, for once, got up with me early in the morning. Since Roger was in class, Kaelyn and I spent the day shopping for a graduation gift for our friend’s daughter, whose graduation party we were attending that night. The late night, though, really wore on both of us and, cranky, we went home as soon as we could and took long naps. We woke up just before Roger got home from class. He was also exhausted, but unfortunately, we needed to get to our friend’s graduation party and didn’t have time to rest. Although Kaelyn was well behaved and did sleep at the party, we still came home late and exhausted. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for any of us to settle down and fall asleep for the night.
Sunday was Mothers’ Day and I woke up around 4:30 in the morning to discover that Roger was not in bed. I heard him rustling around in the house and contemplated getting up to see what he was doing. Luckily, I fell asleep again because I woke up the second time to find a pot of my favorite flowers, lilies, and a cute card from Kaelyn on my nightstand. I’m happy I didn’t ruin that surprise for him. We went out to my favorite restaurant for breakfast and then spent the afternoon playing with Kaelyn and cooking dinner and some other meals for the week.
I mentioned last week that the thing I enjoy the most about our “diet” is that we spend time cooking together. Because we are both so busy and want to make sure that we have good food to eat throughout the week, Sunday’s have turned into cooking days. We come up with menus together and then get creative in what we make. Last night Roger grilled some more chicken breasts (we use them as a base for other meals throughout the week) and a brisket…which incidentally kept him up for another long night. I concentrated on our immediate dinner which consisted of a lemony basil Orange Roughy, sweet peppers, and brown rice. As a treat, I made some stuffed mushrooms using left over chicken breast from earlier in the weekend. This week was more challenging for both of us as far as our eating. I took two day trips to Reno, which meant that I ate lunch out twice. Couple that with a dinner/wine event with friends, a graduation party, and a Mothers’ Day breakfast, and it’s a wonder we didn’t gain weight! I did, however, manage to lose another pound and a half and while nowhere near the progress I made last week, I’m still doing really well, so I’ll take it!
That being said, I never really cared about these holidays either. In my world, parents acknowledged kids’ birthday, but their own birthdays just went by the wayside. Today, it’s very difficult for me to plan ahead for birthdays and “hallmark” holidays because I wasn’t raised having to worry about them. Yet, I see people who remember and plan small, yet special gifts/events and I wish I were more like them. I try hard, but I still lack the forethought and often end up either scrambling to put something together at the last minute or forgetting all together. As a severely “Type A” personality, I don’t deal well with that kind of stress. I don’t want Kaelyn to be like me. I want her to be sensitive to what’s important to other people and I feel like Roger and I need to practice teaching her that now. So, I wanted Mothers’ Day to be acknowledged, not so much for me, but for her (although the me part was also nice). If Roger and I get in the habit of acknowledging these days, then Kaelyn will grow up to acknowledge them as well. It should be intuitive for her, what is so difficult for me.
Anyway…
Our weekend was really nice. Friday night, we met some friends, (friends we haven’t’ seen in a while) and spent the evening eating good food, drinking good wine, and laughing. We didn’t get home until after midnight and Roger had a contracting licensing class on Saturday. So poor him, for once, got up with me early in the morning. Since Roger was in class, Kaelyn and I spent the day shopping for a graduation gift for our friend’s daughter, whose graduation party we were attending that night. The late night, though, really wore on both of us and, cranky, we went home as soon as we could and took long naps. We woke up just before Roger got home from class. He was also exhausted, but unfortunately, we needed to get to our friend’s graduation party and didn’t have time to rest. Although Kaelyn was well behaved and did sleep at the party, we still came home late and exhausted. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for any of us to settle down and fall asleep for the night.
Sunday was Mothers’ Day and I woke up around 4:30 in the morning to discover that Roger was not in bed. I heard him rustling around in the house and contemplated getting up to see what he was doing. Luckily, I fell asleep again because I woke up the second time to find a pot of my favorite flowers, lilies, and a cute card from Kaelyn on my nightstand. I’m happy I didn’t ruin that surprise for him. We went out to my favorite restaurant for breakfast and then spent the afternoon playing with Kaelyn and cooking dinner and some other meals for the week.
I mentioned last week that the thing I enjoy the most about our “diet” is that we spend time cooking together. Because we are both so busy and want to make sure that we have good food to eat throughout the week, Sunday’s have turned into cooking days. We come up with menus together and then get creative in what we make. Last night Roger grilled some more chicken breasts (we use them as a base for other meals throughout the week) and a brisket…which incidentally kept him up for another long night. I concentrated on our immediate dinner which consisted of a lemony basil Orange Roughy, sweet peppers, and brown rice. As a treat, I made some stuffed mushrooms using left over chicken breast from earlier in the weekend. This week was more challenging for both of us as far as our eating. I took two day trips to Reno, which meant that I ate lunch out twice. Couple that with a dinner/wine event with friends, a graduation party, and a Mothers’ Day breakfast, and it’s a wonder we didn’t gain weight! I did, however, manage to lose another pound and a half and while nowhere near the progress I made last week, I’m still doing really well, so I’ll take it!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Mornings
Mornings are my favorite time of the day. Especially spring and summer mornings.
I love the crisp, slightly cool air as the sun is just beginning to rise. I love the quiet and the slow transition into the hustle and bustle of our normally very busy days. During the weekdays, our alarm goes off at 4:30 am. To me, this is not morning and if Kaelyn is not demanding her breakfast yet, I hit snooze for at least 30 minutes. Waking up slowly has always been my preference. There’s serenity in our morning routine. Roger and I don’t talk much. We just do. We get up and turn on the news. Roger heads to the coffee maker to get our morning jolt of caffeine ready. I sleepily prepare Kaelyn’s bottle, feed her and proceed to get showered and ready for work. Itty Bitty, our cat, is usually more awake. Mewing for attention or to be let out. By the time I’m out of the shower, I’m fully awake. Roger is usually back in bed, playing with Kaelyn, watching the news and drinking his coffee. I normally don’t have time to be envious that his days start later. After I leave for work, Roger lays Kaelyn down for her morning nap. This is when his mornings truly start.
The two block walk between the parking garage and the building I work in is heaven in the mornings. By 6:20 am the city is usually just waking up. There are few people walking on the streets. A few cars making their ways to wherever they go during the day. Mostly, I share this walk with birds and squirrels…a homeless person every now and then. I can see lights trickle on in the apartments I walk by. Alarm clocks just beginning to ring. I spend the short walking breathing in the air and thinking about my day. I always stop to realize that I have no idea what the day will actually bring. But mornings seem peaceful. Sometimes, they are the calm before the storm, sometimes they are just a wonderful start to a wonderful day. From my office, I have a great view of the city and normally for the first 15 minutes of work, I can continue to watch the day begin. By 7 am the streets are usually busy. The traffic is steady. The morning is in full swing.
Saturday mornings are my favorite. These mornings we usually don’t have to rush to get anywhere. We can stretch the time out into the afternoon if we want, because we are not bound by time. When we do have a schedule, it usually is because we have planned something fun that day. Saturday mornings are my reward for working hard all week. Even on the weekends, I get up early. Sleeping in to me is getting out of bed at 5:30 am. Kaelyn seems to sleep in on Saturday too….not waking until around 7. Roger gets up when Kaelyn does. For the hour and a half I have to myself in the mornings, I truly relax. I drink my coffee on our back patio with Itty Bitty at my side. It’s the only time of the week I have the ability to completely clear my head. It’s the only time I am truly calm. Sometimes, I read a book and sometimes I walk around our yard examining our plants and trees. Other times, I just sit and close my eyes and take deep breaths. Maybe this is my meditation.
When my family wakes up on Saturday the joy truly begins. We all pile on the bed while Kaelyn eats her breakfast. We talk about the weekend ahead. Laugh and joke. Marvel at the miracle that is our daughter. We are lazy and happy. Roger makes breakfast most Saturdays. Lately, we eat outside and I eat as slowly as I can so that I can postpone the real start to the day as long as possible. Roger inhales his food. We have the same conversation every week about why I’m picking at my breakfast. Of course I like it….yes, this is the only time I ever savor meals. It’s not the meal I really savor. It’s the moment. Finishing a late morning breakfast usually signals the end of my favorite morning of the week. I want to make it last. Stop time. I love mornings.
I love the crisp, slightly cool air as the sun is just beginning to rise. I love the quiet and the slow transition into the hustle and bustle of our normally very busy days. During the weekdays, our alarm goes off at 4:30 am. To me, this is not morning and if Kaelyn is not demanding her breakfast yet, I hit snooze for at least 30 minutes. Waking up slowly has always been my preference. There’s serenity in our morning routine. Roger and I don’t talk much. We just do. We get up and turn on the news. Roger heads to the coffee maker to get our morning jolt of caffeine ready. I sleepily prepare Kaelyn’s bottle, feed her and proceed to get showered and ready for work. Itty Bitty, our cat, is usually more awake. Mewing for attention or to be let out. By the time I’m out of the shower, I’m fully awake. Roger is usually back in bed, playing with Kaelyn, watching the news and drinking his coffee. I normally don’t have time to be envious that his days start later. After I leave for work, Roger lays Kaelyn down for her morning nap. This is when his mornings truly start.
The two block walk between the parking garage and the building I work in is heaven in the mornings. By 6:20 am the city is usually just waking up. There are few people walking on the streets. A few cars making their ways to wherever they go during the day. Mostly, I share this walk with birds and squirrels…a homeless person every now and then. I can see lights trickle on in the apartments I walk by. Alarm clocks just beginning to ring. I spend the short walking breathing in the air and thinking about my day. I always stop to realize that I have no idea what the day will actually bring. But mornings seem peaceful. Sometimes, they are the calm before the storm, sometimes they are just a wonderful start to a wonderful day. From my office, I have a great view of the city and normally for the first 15 minutes of work, I can continue to watch the day begin. By 7 am the streets are usually busy. The traffic is steady. The morning is in full swing.
Saturday mornings are my favorite. These mornings we usually don’t have to rush to get anywhere. We can stretch the time out into the afternoon if we want, because we are not bound by time. When we do have a schedule, it usually is because we have planned something fun that day. Saturday mornings are my reward for working hard all week. Even on the weekends, I get up early. Sleeping in to me is getting out of bed at 5:30 am. Kaelyn seems to sleep in on Saturday too….not waking until around 7. Roger gets up when Kaelyn does. For the hour and a half I have to myself in the mornings, I truly relax. I drink my coffee on our back patio with Itty Bitty at my side. It’s the only time of the week I have the ability to completely clear my head. It’s the only time I am truly calm. Sometimes, I read a book and sometimes I walk around our yard examining our plants and trees. Other times, I just sit and close my eyes and take deep breaths. Maybe this is my meditation.
When my family wakes up on Saturday the joy truly begins. We all pile on the bed while Kaelyn eats her breakfast. We talk about the weekend ahead. Laugh and joke. Marvel at the miracle that is our daughter. We are lazy and happy. Roger makes breakfast most Saturdays. Lately, we eat outside and I eat as slowly as I can so that I can postpone the real start to the day as long as possible. Roger inhales his food. We have the same conversation every week about why I’m picking at my breakfast. Of course I like it….yes, this is the only time I ever savor meals. It’s not the meal I really savor. It’s the moment. Finishing a late morning breakfast usually signals the end of my favorite morning of the week. I want to make it last. Stop time. I love mornings.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Week One
I’m feeling better after the weekend. Not that I think I’ll never be in a bad mood again…I will. Not that my anxiety, jealousy, selfishness is gone. It isn’t. But, nothing cures a horrible mood like a sunny weekend, relaxing with friends and family. Friday night and Saturday morning were spent taking care of the things I didn’t get done on Thursday. Roger drove me to work on Friday, so he could take my car to the shop for me. Then he escorted me to my eyebrow appointment. Even though, again, I was running late at work, he managed to get me there in time…early even! And once we got the car taken care of on Saturday, the rest of the weekend was dedicated to rest and relaxation.
Our good friend, Vickie, after some scary drama in her neighborhood, came to visit us on Saturday afternoon. We ate dinner, played with Kaelyn, relaxed in the backyard, and watched some tv. And the low-key laid back afternoon/evening was exactly what I needed to regenerate. Sunday was more of the same except without visitors. We slept in, ate a good breakfast, and enjoyed the good weather and sunshine. Kaelyn was especially jovial and entertained us with her game of monkey…in other words, we made a face or a gesture and she did her best to imitate us. Even when she couldn’t do it, our delight was enough to make her erupt in giggles. What a blessing our little girl is! After she went to bed, we still had some energy and the temperature outside was perfect for us to sit by the newly constructed outdoor fireplace and watch tv (Roger) and read a book (me) before going to bed and facing the week ahead.
We also completed our first week of the body makeover. So far, it hasn’t been that bad. Last Sunday I shopped for fresh fruits and vegetables and then Roger and I spent the afternoon trying out different recipes. Luckily, we both cook…because without some creativity the food on this “diet” can be very bland and boring. Mainly because of the restriction on sodium. But we worked around it and came up with some very good dishes. We did the same thing on Saturday while we were visiting with Vickie. So, if I can say anything about this experiment, is that for the first time, we’ve been cooking together. Most of the time, I don’t let Roger anywhere near the kitchen when I’m cooking and I stay far far away from his food when he’s cooking. Working together in the kitchen, going through cookbooks, making alterations, and coming up with our meals together, is really fun. And the fact that we can do it without biting each other’s heads off, says a lot about us! And the result? Down 6 lbs…not bad. It’s amazing the difference not retaining water can make. But, now that the water weight is gone…we’ll see how things progress from here. I’m feeling good and motivated. Hope this lasts!
Our good friend, Vickie, after some scary drama in her neighborhood, came to visit us on Saturday afternoon. We ate dinner, played with Kaelyn, relaxed in the backyard, and watched some tv. And the low-key laid back afternoon/evening was exactly what I needed to regenerate. Sunday was more of the same except without visitors. We slept in, ate a good breakfast, and enjoyed the good weather and sunshine. Kaelyn was especially jovial and entertained us with her game of monkey…in other words, we made a face or a gesture and she did her best to imitate us. Even when she couldn’t do it, our delight was enough to make her erupt in giggles. What a blessing our little girl is! After she went to bed, we still had some energy and the temperature outside was perfect for us to sit by the newly constructed outdoor fireplace and watch tv (Roger) and read a book (me) before going to bed and facing the week ahead.
We also completed our first week of the body makeover. So far, it hasn’t been that bad. Last Sunday I shopped for fresh fruits and vegetables and then Roger and I spent the afternoon trying out different recipes. Luckily, we both cook…because without some creativity the food on this “diet” can be very bland and boring. Mainly because of the restriction on sodium. But we worked around it and came up with some very good dishes. We did the same thing on Saturday while we were visiting with Vickie. So, if I can say anything about this experiment, is that for the first time, we’ve been cooking together. Most of the time, I don’t let Roger anywhere near the kitchen when I’m cooking and I stay far far away from his food when he’s cooking. Working together in the kitchen, going through cookbooks, making alterations, and coming up with our meals together, is really fun. And the fact that we can do it without biting each other’s heads off, says a lot about us! And the result? Down 6 lbs…not bad. It’s amazing the difference not retaining water can make. But, now that the water weight is gone…we’ll see how things progress from here. I’m feeling good and motivated. Hope this lasts!
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