Lazy Blogger

I've been pretty lazy about blogging and I honestly don't know that I'll get better anytime soon.  Life is pretty good...boring in that nice way.  Roger and I have both been working hard and Kaelyn continues to grow and amaze us everyday.

Since I last wrote, not much, and a lot has happened.  We enjoyed the 4th of July with our annual Pyromania Mania party, we've taken family trips to the zoo and beach, done a lot of cooking, gardening, and shopping, and even got some relaxing time in.  Yesterday we went to the Wine and Roses Winery for breakfast, followed by shopping at Sur La Table (my favorite!) and then home for dinner.

Home Sweet Home

I love traveling and going on vacations. Getting away from it all, relaxing, and experiencing new things are among my favorite things to do. But, hands down, the part I enjoy the most is coming home. There’s just something about our house, our bed, our routine, that I crave. Always, on the last day of any vacation, I will wake up in the morning and say “Today we get to go home!”


Last week, I had to attend a conference in Long Beach for work. Since Roger had some time off, we decided to make a little vacation out of it. We drove down to LA on Saturday morning and stopped in Valencia to visit Stacy. Sunday, we drove to Sunset Beach where we did some shopping and found the best little Greek food stand that made baklava milkshakes! Yum! Monday, we headed a few miles north to Long Beach, went to the Aquarium of the Pacific and discovered another Greek restaurant with the most delicious food I’ve ever eaten. The conference started on Tuesday, so while I was attending briefings, Roger and Kaelyn were able to go shopping and hang out at the beach. The weather wasn’t the best, but they had a good time. They even discovered a bookstore where everything was $1. We were able to get several children’s books and cookbooks. Thursday late afternoon, after the conference, we headed back home. And of course, by that time, I was really looking forward to it. We got home around 11:30pm and all of us pretty much passed out. Kaelyn slept the best she had all week that night.

Our time home was short lived…about 12 hours max. Friday morning, we got up early and started packing for our annual rafting trip. Roger had a quick repair job that morning, so most of the prep work was up to me. Luckily, Kaelyn slept in and even went down for her morning nap at the regular time, making it much easier for me to pack our things. We spent the next three days camping. The weather was perfect, but the river was low. I rafted for half a day and managed to get thrown out of the boat when we hit a rock too hard. Again, Sunday afternoon, when we packed up to leave, I was more than happy. I had Monday off too, so Alan and Jennifer were able to stop by for the day and hang out. They’ll be back next weekend too, which I’m really looking forward to.

Now, things are back to normal. Kae is on her regular routine, which means all of us are resting easier. Our front courtyard is done and it’s beautiful! So, not only do we get to enjoy being home, but we have a new project completed to enjoy on top of it. It couldn’t be better!

There I Was

“There I was” is a kind of game that Air Force fighter pilots play. One of them will stand up and tell some sort of story and then everyone joins in for a good laugh, a cheer, and some alcohol. Of all the times I’ve been in presence of this little ritual, I can’t say that I’ve ever listened to an entire story. I just don’t have the attention span…not to mention that the parts I do listen to don’t seem as great as the other pilots make them out to be. I guess it’s one of those things that if you’re not “in”, then you’ll never get it. And that’s just fine with me.


But last night, I was reminded of it. Not because of fighter pilots, but because last night was one of those moments in life that I’ll always remember. I was playing cards with my husband. Kaelyn had been asleep for almost an hour. It was one of those rare moments that I actually lost (and didn’t care). We were trying to decide if we would keep going on our current game, or just give Roger the win and start a new one. My cell phone was on the coffee table and I grabbed it. I just wanted to check up on a friend on Facebook. But, I never got to it. The first statuses that greeted me were mostly from old West Point friends, talking about military operations and victories. I’m sort of used to seeing posts like that from those guys and didn’t pay much attention for the first five seconds. Then it hit me. “Something happened.” That’s what I told Roger. He looked at me puzzled. Then, just another quick look at my feed and I got the answer. “Bin Laden is dead!” We turned on the tv and watched the news for the next few hours. A simple card game, emblazed in my memory forever.

There are a few times in history that I remember like this. When the Challenger exploded…I was in fifth grade. My teacher sent me and a boy (a trouble maker) to the library to run some errand. The tv was on and the librarian let us stay for a few minutes to watch the shuttle take off. Then it exploded. I wasn’t even sure what I was seeing. But, I knew something was wrong. We went back to our classroom and the boy told our teacher what happened. He was talking fast and excitedly. Our teacher said that it wasn’t funny. He shouldn’t say things like that. Then I said “It’s true.” Silence. The principal made an announcement, we had a moment of silence, and then we were sent home for the day.

I remember the day Princess Diana died. I was visiting a friend from West Point at Fort Knox. I was already a student at Purdue and it was a short drive down. He and I went to the movies and saw “Event Horizon”. The movie freaked me out and I didn’t want it to be the last thing I did that night so we went back to his apartment and turned on Saturday Night live…because it’s light hearted and funny. Then the show was interrupted with the news. But, I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was still watching the show, and I told my friend “This isn’t funny at all! What a sick joke!” We changed the channel and saw that it was real.

On September 11, I was living in Japan, so it was already night time when it happened. There was a typhoon that night and our command centers were up prepping for the storm damage. I had the night off, and attended a dinner over at a friend’s house. It was raining pretty hard and I had just moved there, not familiar with the area. One of the guys said that if the roads were too flooded for me to drive back to my house, he’d call and tell me to stay. I was tired and after half an hour decided to leave and take my chances. Then the phone rang. My friends called for me to wait…because it was him. All I heard was “a plane crashed into the World Trade Center? Was it an accident or terrorists?” The house I was in didn’t have a television, so we attempted to log on the internet and get the news. By that time, the second plane had hit, and then we knew. We woke the guy next door up and told him we needed to watch his tv. He was confused, but let us in. Then we saw the images of the Pentagon. At that moment, I knew things would never be the same.

There are other things I remember…when we captured Hussein, when I first heard Roger’s name, where I was standing the moment I first heard that my favorite aunt had unexpectedly passed away.

And last night was another one of those moments. One of those times that something totally routine and innocuous becomes a memory. Moments that would otherwise be forgotten…a fifth grade trip to the library, a Saturday Night Live Show, a dinner, a card game…become important. They turn into a story I will tell Kaelyn…”Eight years before you were born, a tragedy occurred…then when you weren’t even two yet, while you were sleeping peacefully in your crib, a victory!”

Easter Weekend

Easter weekend was really good. We did some work in the yard on Saturday and Monday, but mostly just enjoyed the holiday. Kaelyn went on her first Easter egg hung on Thursday afternoon. Roger took her to our neighbor’s daycare. She quickly understood the concept…at least, to pick up egg-like objects and put them in her bag. She got one or two eggs on her own, several egg-sized and shaped rocks, and a small colorful bouncy ball. She did not understand why we made her put the rocks and ball back, but was at least easily distracted by the colorful eggs the other kids shared with her.


Sunday morning, we did another egg hunt in our backyard. We didn’t really hide the eggs, but instead scattered them around. I held the basket for her while she ran around picking up all the eggs and dropping them in. She had a great time and we got some excellent pictures out of it. That morning, when she woke up, I put her in her Easter dress and then let her walk into the dining room to discover her basket. It was priceless. She went straight for what is now her favorite toy (an egg shaped globe that lights up with spinning led-lights) and didn’t pay attention to anything else.

That afternoon, we went to Vickie’s house to have Easter dinner. Kaelyn got another bag of goodies from Vickie’s mother and had fun running around with the other kids. We enjoyed our meal and I managed to stay away from all the carbs and sugar (lost another 10 lbs so far). Roger did pretty good too. He passed up the dinner rolls in favor of eating dessert…a lemon cake. We brought the chocolate covered Easter eggs (rice krispies and peanut butter) home and are hoping they keep for another week when we’re going to allow ourselves to indulge a little bit.

I was supposed to be off Monday, but did have to go in for a meeting in the morning. Then, we went to look at some stone for our front patio, and took two trips to Home Depot to get the supplies we need to finish out our vegetable garden. Roger is off today so he and Kaelyn are at home working on it now.

That’s about all I have to report. Things are just so busy right now. It’s hard to find the time to write anything down (at least anything of any meaning), even though there is so much swimming in my head.

Plenty of Sunshine and a Funk

I had a three day weekend…which was much needed and appreciated. But, it didn’t really feel too much like I had Friday off since I monitored my blackberry all day in case something disastrous happened at work (it didn’t). We had a nice weekend. But it fell short of my expectations…as most things do these days. I don’t know why.


I imagined that I would sleep in for three days straight. We’d hang out with friends and go shopping. Do some yard work. Spend time relaxing. For the most part, we did all that. Except that sleeping in for me is waking up at 6am. I mentioned last week that we have officially started our front porch project. Roger had been talking to a contractor that was going to install a composite wood deck in the front and side of our house. The price was pretty good for what we were getting, but there was a lot of miscommunication about the type/size of pergola we wanted. And that caused them to feel like they had to do more research and re-do the quote. All of that was good and fine, until it started taking way too long. Roger called them back mid-week and told them to forget the pergola. If they could contract with us to build the deck, we’d work out the details of the pergola later. That conversation led them to want to re-write the quote for us to sign (instead of just crossing off the pergola and initialing). They wanted to get back with us in “a couple of days”.

Well, the couple of days ended Friday and when they hadn’t called back by lunch time, I was frustrated. I’m impatient by nature, but especially impatient when it comes to contractors. I feel like if they can’t even pay attention to what I’m asking for and return calls when they say they will, then how can I expect them to follow through with the project the right way? I wanted Roger to call them and tell them that they needed to present the new quote that day or we’d go with someone else. He wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt because he’s just a nicer person than me. But, I was reminded that they’ve been slow with everything. Just getting the original quote to us took three weeks, then when they finally got it to us, they didn’t break the work out like we had asked, and specked the wrong pergola. Roger didn’t see it as bad as I did. He wanted me to be just a little more patient and wait until the next day for him to call.

I had none of it. Instead, I contacted the contractor I hired to landscape the backyard when I first moved into the house. He was reasonable and reliable. And the product was beautiful. He was able to come over Saturday morning and give us a quote for a stamped concrete porch with a stone wall/bench all the way around. More what we were picturing when we first started the project. It’s a little more money than the other guy had quoted, but he’s also doing more work (pulling out the roots, regarding the property, and extending the driveway). Roger agreed with me that we’d be better off going with this guy, so we signed with him. He starts in two weeks!

But, even though in the end, Roger said that it made more sense to use the second contractor and that what we’re getting will look nicer with our current architecture, etc, I sensed that he was frustrated that I didn’t just let him work things out with the other guy. I can see where I was wrong to just lose all my patience and take over. It’s a bad habit…one, I’m not sure I’ll ever have the strength to break.

And I think that set us up for the rest of the weekend. Not that it was bad, it just wasn’t great.

We went over to Vickie’s house on Friday so that Roger could move her AC unit (she’s having landscaping work done too). We had a small barbeque. Kaelyn ran around the backyard, and we stayed and watched a movie. We had planned to do some grocery shopping that afternoon, but didn’t leave Vickie’s until after 8pm. Kaelyn was sleeping, so I ended up going by myself, late at night, tired and frustrated.

Saturday, we had a camping expo to attend. Roger was a host. I pictured this being a few hours in the early afternoon and relaxing. I hate to admit it, but it was none of those. We both wanted to leave almost as soon as we got there. The idea itself was nice. Host a barbeque where people interested in camping/hiking events could come, browse at the displays, and meet the people that host the events. Since we do the rafting/camping trip every year, and that is coming up in a month, Roger was there to sell that trip. But, I think for people that maybe have never done anything with our group before, it was uncomfortable. The event was held in a member’s home, and I don’t think a lot of people felt at ease showing up to a stranger’s house. But, despite the low turnout, there was a good group of people there and we did have an ok time catching up with friends but I spent more time than anything chasing Kaelyn around…totally expected when you’re out with a toddler. The backyard had a pool, and open gate to the street, and a fire going…so all I saw is “danger, your daughter will die here!”. I was happy to finally leave and get her home safely.

Sunday, did turn out to be the day I had pictured. We made a trip to the dump to get rid of the trimmings from the bushes and trees we cut down last weekend, then back to the grocery store to pick up everything I had forgotten (which was a lot) on Friday night. We did some work in the backyard, grilled chicken and vegetables for a healthy dinner, and watched half of the latest Harry Potter movie.

Looking back, we had a good weekend. We enjoyed the nice weather and plenty of family time. But, I still couldn’t get my mood elevated enough to fully enjoy it. I sure hope I’m out of my funk soon. Maybe when things slow down at work…

Bad Blogger

It seems that the more I have to write about, the less motivated I am to write. Needless to say, things have been crazy and finding the time and the energy to sit down and write it all down, has been difficult at best.


I’m working a lot. Even with the threat of Government shutdown and budget shortfalls, it seems that my projects remain top priority. There is still more work to do than time to do it. Coming home exhausted is no fun either. Physically, I just want to lie down and chill out, but mentally my mind is still racing with work problems, and I crave playing with Kaelyn and hanging out with Roger. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million and one directions. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t broken down yet.

But, aside from all that, things are pretty great. We have officially started our front deck/porch project. Just cutting down the overgrown bushes from the front and side of the house has made a huge difference. I’m not sure when the contractors will get in to start building; but hopefully, we can get them scheduled soon. Kaelyn continues to grow and amaze us every day. She is now trying to do summersaults. She’s not very good at them, but does get down into the right position and begs me to push her over. She’s talking more and more. Well, she’s always talked, but more and more we’re able to understand her. We’ve planted some vegetables and even have an herb garden. Everything is growing. The flowers are blooming. The weather is nice.

There are probably a thousand things I could write about. I know a lot has been happening, but truthfully, I can’t think of anything right now. I’m tired and have to get to work, so that’s what I’ll do. Hopefully, I’ll become a better blogger again soon.

Unbalanced

In general, I’m not a “people pleaser.” I can count on one hand the number of people I truly want to be pleased with me. Everyone else is just a bonus. That’s not to say that I want to make people unhappy, or do things to make others not like me. I just don’t go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is completely happy all the time.


What I am, is a perfectionist. So, when I am asked (or I volunteer) to help a friend, or take on a project, or whatever, I’ll neglect everything about myself to make sure that my friend, or my project is perfect. For example, if I volunteer to help a friend find a new place to live, I will go out of my way to make sure that he/she finds the perfect place, gets the best deal, help pack the boxes, and throw the housewarming party. At work, it’s worse. Even though I hate bringing work home with me and try not to, if something isn’t going right with a project, or there’s a problem, I won’t be able to sleep at night until I find the perfect solution to bring everything back to normal.

When I first started college, I had a hard time finding balance in my life. I stressed out so much about making sure that my grades were perfect, my room was perfect, and everything else was perfect, that I didn’t have a lot of fun. That is, until I learned that I could reach perfection (or at least perfection enough for me) without spending all my time trying to achieve it. Basically, I learned the rule of “good enough” or in my case “perfect enough”. And as I got older, and joined the work force, that is where I developed my insane need to have as much separation between work and my social life as possible.

I tend to be the one to take on the toughest and most challenging projects at work. Not so much to please my bosses or make things easier for my coworkers, but more because I enjoy solving problems, and the bigger the problem, the better. When I first start a job, or a new project, I go through a period of time where I’ll work for insane hours and focus too much on the task at hand. Eventually, I find that happy medium of “good enough” and restore some semblance of balance to my life. Back in my single days, it was pretty easy, because I could work late and physically and emotionally exhaust myself, and then go home and shut everything off. If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Working hard was much easier back then.

Now, things are a little tougher. Roger and Kaelyn make up half the people that I want to please and when I go home, I stop being the perfect project manager and turn into the perfect wife and mother. I don’t get much time to rest or clear my head because I immediately start doing the things that will make my family happy. Cook a delicious dinner, play with Kaelyn, do the bath time and bedtime routines. I find balance, now, by allowing others to help me. If I have a headache, Roger can give Kae a bath and put her to bed. If Roger and I want a date night, we can ask friends to babysit. I pretty much learned that I don’t have to work a lot of overtime to do my job well, so I can make being with my family a priority. All of this is nice and has brought me more satisfaction, happiness, and balance than I’ve ever had before.

But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my life goes off kilter. Last week, I agreed to take on new and additional responsibilities at work. The perfectionist in me has re-emerged…and I’m exhausted. I haven’t yet figured out how much (or how little) I can put into what I’m doing and still have everything be perfect…or “good enough.” So, I’m working longer, harder, and stressing a little more than normal. I come home and feel the guilt of being late and of neglecting the people I love the most. It’s emotionally draining. Until I figure out how to restore balance to my life, I feel…well…off balance.

Last week, was both tough and great at the same time. By Friday afternoon, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed….in the hopes that I would feel refreshed in the morning. Instead, I met Roger and Kaelyn at Vickie’s house. Roger was installing some ceiling fans for her and she invited us to stay for dinner. By 8pm I was so tired I couldn’t even muster up the energy to drive home. I asked Roger if we could just leave my car behind. At that same time, I got word from Rob and Elisa that they had to leave Lake Tahoe early due to the severe weather. I offered to let them stay at our house overnight. This made me incredibly happy because I don’t see them very often, so getting an extra night and morning with them, unplanned, was exhilarating. But, the perfectionist in me came out. Roger brought me home, but I had to make sure the guest room and guest bathroom were perfect, that the little messes Roger had left in the house during the day were cleaned up. When they arrived, I stayed up late talking to them, which I’m truly grateful for, but it did leave me tired.

Saturday, instead of resting, I helped Vickie look for things for her backyard. It was raining and miserable. Roger got called in to work, and Kaelyn was being a typical 18 month old. I didn’t get home until 9pm, with a tired little girl, and an even more tired Mommy. I didn’t have enough time on Sunday to recover, and this week has been a challenge.

I’m sure, eventually, I will figure out a routine that works for me, Roger, and Kaelyn. Roger is incredibly supportive and more than willing to pick up my slack while I get used to new responsibilities. I love him so much for that. I’m ready to find the balance in my life again. Until then…I’m just tired.

Japan, My Friend

I’ve traveled a lot in my short life. And I’ve lived all over the world. It’s funny how the places seem to take on the persona of the memories I have and almost come to life. The places hold just as much meaning to me as the people in them.


That’s why it was so hard to look at pictures and watch videos of the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis in North eastern Japan. I spent three years there, and Misawa, Hachinohe, and Aomori were my old stomping grounds. Just one week ago I was telling Roger how I dream of taking him and Kaelyn back there one day…to point out where I used to live, where I went to buy the best olive oil I’ve ever tasted, where we used to have bonfires on the beach, my favorite restaurants. Sadly, that will probably never happen now. We can go back…and we will, but it will probably feel as strange and foreign to me as it does to them. Watching the places I loved so much get swallowed up by the ocean was like experiencing the death of a close friend.

Of course, when I woke up Friday morning and heard of the earthquake, my first reaction and worries was about the people. My old friends and coworkers who live there, who have families there. It was hours before I was able to gather enough information to conclude that they were all ok. And I’m so incredibly grateful for that. Unfortunately, the places aren’t unscathed and today, I still mourn the loss of land and the buildings and the intangible part where the memories are all that’s left.

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In more exciting news, we had a wonderful weekend. Rob and Elisa are spending their anniversary at Lake Tahoe and were able to stop by and spend some time with us on their way up. Saturday afternoon, we went wine tasting in Lodi and had dinner at Tex-Wasabi’s in Sacramento after that. We stayed up late talking, all fell asleep on the couch, and had Sunday morning to be lazy. After brunch at my favorite breakfast place, they headed up to start their vacation and Roger, Kae and I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing. Even though my heart was heavy with the news and worry about what is happening in Japan, having old friends around helped immensely. Even when the place doesn’t make it, the friendships are still there…and that has to be good enough.

Spring Plantings

I love the start of a new season.  Each season of the year brings with it fun events, traditions, outings and holidays.  As the season's start to change, I tend to get excited about what's to come. 

Even though it's still technically winter and although it's still raining off and on (I guess we'll have to put up with that for a few more weeks), signs of spring are already here.  The cherry blossoms are blooming, the weather is gorgeous, and my favorite...the annuals and perennials are for sale!  The good weather makes me happy and I always feel like celebrating it; especially right after winter.  I appreciate the warm days so much more when I haven't experienced it in a while.

This weekend, Roger, Kaelyn and I decided to get our flowers, herbs, and vegetables and start preparing for the spring plantings.  To be fair, as much as I love filling the pots with bright flowers and placing them around the patio, and as much as I love having an herb and vegetable garden, I don't do much to take care of them.  Before Roger came along, I had to live with a longing for these things I never fulfilled.  And watching him, this weekend, plant the flowers and herbs and measure out where we'll put the raised garden, made me fall in love with him all over again. 

While we were planting, Kaelyn ran around the backyard and played with Buckeye and her wagon.  She seemed to love rolling around the grass the most.  Watching her reminded me of how much I loved doing the same thing when I was a kid and it brought back a lot of good memories of my childhood; simple, unexpecting joy. 

We rounded out the day with a visit from Vickie and her dog, Max.  They joined us for dinner and a late movie. 

Sunday it rained pretty much all day, so we spent most of the day inside in our PJs.  I believe, this was the last rain for the entire week!  I'm looking forward to a relatively quiet work week (it never really is) and next weekend.  Rob and Elisa, my old friends from when I was stationed in North Carolina, are coming for a quick visit!

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Also, I did get good news on Friday from both my coworkers.  My friend's nephew was going through some testing, but he is stable. It looks like he'll be just fine.  And my other coworker made it through her heart surgery with few complications (though there were some).  No stints needed, just some extra rest and relaxation.  Praise God that they are both ok!

Is Tragedy Contagious?

When I was in college, my mother called me frantic.  There had been a tragic accident involving a girl around my age.  She died.  The cause of the accident was that one of her tires had a blowout and she lost control of her car.  My mom was sure that would happen to me too.  Never mind that they had just bought be four new tires.  My mom was convinced that something bad was about to happen to me.  Nothing did.

This was just one incident in a long line of times that my mom started worrying about me because of something that happened to someone else.  I always thought she was just crazy...and maybe she was.  But, I inherited the crazy, because now that I have a daughter of my own, I totally know how she feels.

It seems that everyone around me at work is dealing with some major tragedy right now.  A guy, with three young children, whose wife is undergoing cancer treatment.  A woman whose young nephew went into cardiac arrest yesterday.  Another woman, who sits right next to me, who is having heart surgery today and scared to death.  I'm surrounded by young people (and in one case a child) who are going through health problems way too early in life.  Yesterday, as I was helping my friend who had just heard about her nephew leave work, I started panicking.  There's no way I could handle something like that if it were me...if it were Kaelyn.  I started wondering what the symptoms of a heart attack are and made a mental note to look them up, just in case Kaelyn or Roger ever started experiencing them.

The day before, I asked the guy about his wife...and even though his words said that she was fine.  His face, and especially his eyes, said that he was dying inside.  I went back to my desk before I could burst into tears.  How could I ever face the possibility of not watching Kaelyn grow up?  If something were to happen to Roger, how would I find the strength to go on for her sake?

I know that tragedy isn't contagious, but I do get how my mom feels.  Hearing these things reminds you of how fragile life is and what a gift it is.  And while my heart aches for those that surround me, I do take a moment to be grateful that my family is safe.  But just knowing how lucky we are isn't always enough.  We are lucky...and one day it could be us.  And that has weighed heavily on me the last few days.

Last night, I took extra time to hold Kaelyn close.  She had no idea why I was so clingy, but embraced me anyway.  I believe she knew I needed some comforting, and her sweetness made me cling to her even tighter.  I took extra time to tell Roger how much I love him.  Every time he left or walked into a room, I told him.  Just in case something happened, I want him to know that.

Today, as I try to make it through work, I'll be waiting on phone calls from the two women mentioned here.  I hope they both call with good news.  Nephew is fine, surgery was fine...see you on Monday. 

Stormy Weather

A huge storm rolled through the state on Friday.    Sheet rain, hail, and snow...although if we got any snow here in the valley, I totally missed it.

The storm was severe enough that we ended up cancelling a trip to go visit Stacy down south.  Fear that the pass through the grapevine would be closed due to the snow.  I was pretty disappointed because I haven't been down there in forever...since before Roger and I got married.  And the last time I saw Stacy, Kaelyn was just a couple of months old. 

But, once the disappointment wore off and the storm clouds passed through, it ended up being a beautiful weekend...even if a little cold.  We took advantage of this and moved our new patio furniture out back on Friday night.  Though we didn't use it because it was too nippy for me...even by the fireplace.  Instead, we enjoyed some quiet time inside and even got a chance to sleep in a little on Sunday.  A couple of shopping trips rounded out our weekend.  All in all, I can't complain.

I bought the new Weight Watchers Cookbook.  It has some nice things in it, but the truth is, I'll never follow a recipe.  It's impossible.  I will look through my cookbooks or online for inspiration and then change the recipe so completely that it's funny to even claim I used one.  A good example of how I work is what happened on Saturday.  As I was watching a show on the Food Network, I decided to browse online to see if I could find anything interesting to try making for dinner.  In the end, I settled on a rack of lamb.  It looked delicious!

We went shopping, but I didn't find any lamb that looked appealing enough to spend $12/lb on, so instead we got a good looking round roast.  The intent was that I would follow the lamb recipe on the roast.  The show I had watched that morning actually was about cooking pot roast, and so, at the last minute, I scrapped the lamp recipe completely in favor of that one.  But, it was on tv that morning, and I was way too lazy to look anything up online.  I've made post roast no less than 100 times and I have my own way of doing it, but I wanted to do something different.  I tried to remember everything about the roast on the show and in the end, actually wrote an entirely different recipe that blows anything I've ever tasted before out of the water!  Delicious!  Last night we added some egg noodles to the pot and it was heaven.  Kaelyn ate so much of it...for once, she didn't even give any to Buckeye.  Made me so happy!

I have an intersting week ahead of me.  Today is supposed to be my day off, but I'm actually going to go in for a few hours around lunchtime.  Not thrilled with it, but don't hate it as much as I would have thought. 

Until next time...

Dang All These Nice People!

I’ve always been pretty good at compartmentalizing my life. I separate work and family. I don’t like to socialize with co-workers outside of work functions. I’m friendly with my neighbors, but don’t go on vacations with them, etc.


I’m not sure why I’m this way. Whether it’s because I’m extraordinarily bad at separating emotions from business decisions, focusing on work if I’m worried about someone, or something else entirely, I’ve just never been one to intermingle the different aspects of my life.

I’m not even exactly sure when this started. In high school, I played Volleyball and loved it. Obviously, there was camaraderie with the team and I loved them like sisters. But my best friends had nothing to do with Volleyball. I spent more time with my teammates than anyone. I was even in two of their weddings. But the friends I was most emotionally wrapped in were not on the team. I never even had a party where I invited both my teammates and my other school friends. They were always separate.

In the Air Force, separating work from my social life was hard. Living overseas and several deployments really limited my opportunities to make friends that weren’t also in the AF. And being a Civil Engineer, I, at some point or another in my career, worked with just about everyone. I tended to get past this by forming close relationships with people outside of my squadron. People I had other things in common with, such as church, or hiking groups, or anything besides me having to see them at work all the time. But, regardless, I worked with some pretty great people at times. And I couldn’t help but genuinely like some of them. Still, if I got into a situation where I was too close, or where too much intimacy formed, I would get uncomfortable and shut down. I maintained a cool distance from most of them. I would rather my coworkers believe that I wasn’t all that friendly, than violate my own need (no matter how selfish) to not be too close to any of them. To this day, I’m happy with the decisions I made. My job was often hard and there’s no way I could have enjoyed what I was doing, or fully focused on it, if I had to also maintain close friendships.

As a civilian, things continue to get murkier for me. I have several friends in completely different career fields. I live in a pretty populated place with plenty of opportunities to put everyone I know if the neat little boxes I create for them. The problem is that people are just way too nice. What starts out as, what I feel, is someone forcing their friendship on me, turns into me having real feelings and really caring for them. I know I’m sounding pretty cold right now, but I’ve never had a problem, before now, just saying I have work friends and I have real friends. The two shall never meet!

Especially now, all someone has to do is ask me about Kaelyn and I’m sucked right in. I love talking about her! And it’s the quickest way for me to forget all my personal “rules” and just dive right in to a detailed conversation about things that have nothing to do with work. I don’t have many friends with kids…at least young kids. So, when someone at work offers me that connection, I jump right in. Then I realize something I was hoping I’d never have to. These are great people, who have a lot to offer a friendship. Now, it’s too late. I have more than just “work friends”, I have “friends at work.” It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in. But, there’s nothing I can do about it.



I like them all to darned much!!

The Cat is Allergic to The Dog

The cat is allergic to the dog.


Not really…but that’s what it seems like. She just won’t stop sneezing. She’s been sneezing since before Buckeye came to live with us and actually seemed better for a while, but it’s kicked into high gear again. She wheezes and snores. And it does seem worse when she’s around the dog.

I’m a terrible person, because I haven’t taken her to the vet yet. I’m sure she needs an antibiotic of some sort. She’s energetic, eats well, and seems to be normal except for the sneezing. And I know that even though she doesn’t act like she feels bad, cats are instinctive fakers when it comes to acting healthy.

So, that’s my goal this week. Take poor Itty to the vet.

Our weekend was pretty good, even though it didn’t start out that way. I was in a pretty horrible mood on Saturday. And while I have my suspicions, I don’t really know why. Kaelyn spilled my coffee on my new area rug in the family room. Buckeye was more excitable that usual, and Itty felt the need, for some reason, to sit behind me on the couch and sneeze in my face. Luckily, I got to escape for a few minutes to get my eyebrows waxed and by the time I got home, everyone had calmed down considerably…including me. We were pretty bored so we went to the mall…just like teenagers. We don’t know what to do, so let’s hang out at the mall.

It was really crowded for some reason…that has to be a good sign for the economy.

That night, after Kaelyn went to bed, Roger brought me tequila shots. I have to say that did help elevate my mood! Which was his goal…so it worked beautifully.

I was better the rest of the weekend. Got to relax with Kaelyn on Sunday while Roger went to install some thermostats at a friend’s house. We repeated our Saturday routine on Monday, except we went to my favorite kitchen store, Sur La Table! Ate lunch at a new favorite restaurant, then went shopping for a new coffee table. We didn’t find the coffee table, but we did find the swivel rocker chairs we’ve been looking for, for our back patio. Made the trip worth it!

I’m hoping for a relatively quiet week. I think it’s going to rain later…Oh spring, where are you! You’ve peeked through a few times, but when will you be here to stay?

Not much else to write about, so I’ll sign off for now…

"Flex" Day

I had my first flex day on Monday.  Valentines Day.  Yeah!

We spent most of it at the Development Clinic with Kaelyn.  This is a program she was automatically enrolled in at birth because she was premature.  We are mandated to go three times and this was our second visit.  Basically, they play with her for a while and do a neurological exam to make sure that she is developing as expected and won't need additional therapy.  It's an early intervention program.  It makes me nervous to go, but I can also see the good in it.  The good thing, is that Kaelyn is doing so well.  More than she's expected to do for a baby her age that was born at term.  We go one more time in November where they will guage how well she is talking.  Of course, she is already talking very well, so I don't expect that visit will be much of a problem either.

During the visit, after the play session with the PT, the nurse came and got us for the neurological exam.  Of course, Kaelyn wanted to walk to the next room, so I grabbed her things and followed her.  In the hallway was a set of stairs that formed a pyramid.  Three going up and three going down.  These are bigger than a regular step, but not so big that it didn't tempt Kaelyn to go climb.  I knew immediately that she would try, so I called out to her to come with the rest of us.  The nurse said that Kaelyn was not ready to climb those stairs yet, and the PT said that she had not asked Kaelyn to try because she was still too small.  I laughed.  Kaelyn climbs all the way up and back down our stairs at home.  She can get on top of anything.  And, as if to prove the point herself, she climbed right on top of those stairs and down the other side!

As expected, the neurological exam showed that everything was normal.  We left there in pretty high spirits then went to meet Vickie for lunch.  After lunch, we came home for some much needed naps and pretty much relaxed the rest of the day.  Since it was Valentine's Day, we decided to watch a movie together after Kaelyn went to bed that night.  I acted like this was a special Valentine's night, even though neither Roger nor I are big into the day. After a while I realized that it was no different than every other night we hang out together.  And that's what makes it so great.

Moving Sucks

I’ve moved so many times in my life, I don’t even bother trying to remember the actual number. All of my moves in my adult years have been done solo. As a matter of fact, moving Roger into my house, was the first time I ever moved with another person…and that doesn’t even really count, considering I didn’t technically move anywhere.


I’m a bit over the top when it comes to moving. Things have to be packed in such a way that unpacking them is easy. Boxes have to be labeled consistently. Even in the military where they pack for you, I was always making sure it was done to my standards. I unpack everything the same day I move into a new place. I will stay up all night getting the furniture placed right and all the boxes unpacked. In other words, it’s probably been a good thing that I’ve never had someone move with me, because I would certainly drive them to want to move out as quickly as possible!

(We are not moving)

Getting the floors in the house replaced has been kind of like moving. We basically had to pack up most of our rooms and move everything out. So, for the first time, Roger got to experience a little bit of how wacky I can be. (I warned him, but it’s never the same as actually experiencing it). The move out wasn’t that bad. We had friends help us and the guys just sort of moved the furniture out before I could say too much about it. My friend, Klara, helped me with the little things…books, candles, etc. That wasn’t too bad either, because I didn’t have a lot of junk to go through, so since we went room by room, it went quickly and was packed pretty well. I will admit, though, that once everything was moved to the garage, I went back and moved some of the boxes around so that I could move them back in the house in the correct order.

Tuesday, after work, I rushed home from Weight Watchers (much later than I normally am) eager to get a quick hour in with Kaelyn before she went to bed and get to work on moving everything back in. First, I was overcome with how gorgeous the floors looked…a feeling that was quickly replaced with anxiety of all the dust that was covering absolutely everything. I quickly started telling Roger the plan. Dust the house now, then start bringing in the furniture…dusting each piece as we go. Finally, we’ll move in the boxes, unpack them, and put the boxes back in the garage immediately.

He just stared at me. In some ways overwhelmed by my (over)excitement, but mostly not wanting to give me the bad news.

We couldn’t move back in. The glue on the tack strips still had to dry. That included the stairs. We had to wait another day.

This news did not make me happy. I didn’t want to spend another night confined to our bedroom and not have full use of the kitchen. At least Kaelyn was able to go back to her own room, but the rest of them…right there with us!

To make things better, Roger promised that after work on Wednesday we would put everything back. We would follow my plan and he wouldn’t complain about it at all. I accepted this.



Until….

I got a call on Wednesday morning. Roger had several jobs in San Jose. He was with his boss and his boss thought it would be better for them to travel there, spend the night, and get them all done at once. And while this makes perfect sense, and something I would normally accept…it wasn’t ok with me that it was completely at the last minute. Who would wait until someone reports to work to tell them they have to travel for a few days? Roger said they would likely be gone until Friday morning.

And once I got over the fact that I had to cancel my own work trip to Reno to accommodate this, it occurred to me that if I needed help moving back into our house, I’d have to wait two more days!

But, not to be deterred, I remembered that I’ve moved so many times by myself, that there was no reason why I couldn’t do it again.

Roger didn’t get to experience, first hand, how “focused” I get when it comes to moving and unpacking. But, in the end, it was probably better for both of us, that I did the move alone. I could focus without the guilt of making someone I love keep an insane timeline…just to accommodate my neuroses.

So, in the end, the house is back to normal. I am sore and sleep deprived. We are shopping for area rugs this weekend, and Roger is coming back tonight! One night early :)

Chaos

Anyone who knows me, even semi-well, knows I don’t function well in chaos and disorder. Even when I mentally prepare for it, I can’t seem to do it.


(Sidenote: I seem to function well under pressure. I’ve been in more than one natural disaster and military operation where chaos and disorder was the norm. I do well in that. But when everything is calm again, I need things to be orderly. It just stresses me out otherwise.)

I mentioned yesterday that we are having new floors put in our house. I’m so happy about this. I’ve wanted these floors since buying the house five and a half years ago. The guys working yesterday did an amazing job. The floors are beautiful! And they are working pretty fast. Before they left last night (at 6:30 pm), they said they want to finish today. I would love that!

But, the house is a disaster. As we were packing up and moving out Sunday night, I kept telling myself that this was temporary and necessary. Only a few days and everything would be back to normal…only better. Luckily, I can come to work as they are working. Poor Roger is home dealing with the installers and keeping a 16 month old entertained and out of the way. He does have it worse. But chaos and disorder also doesn’t affect him the way it does me.

I was so excited to come home from work yesterday. Roger had sent me pictures throughout the day of the demolition and the progress. I thought I was mentally ok with how everything would look….but I wasn’t. The house is just a mess! Our garage is packed to the brim with our furniture and the workers’ tools. Kaelyn’s room is full of flooring (she has the most floor space), and our kitchen is holding overflow furniture. As a matter of fact our kitchen is only accessible as far as the coffee pot (which we get to by walking out or bedroom, through our patio, and in through the back door.) And the dust! Oh, the dust. The house was dust free for maybe 24 hours. Now, we have to dust everything!

Last night and this morning, were both stressful, to put it mildly. The only room we can really use is the master bedroom, which also has some extra end tables, the dog crate, and a lot of Kaelyn’s toys. All things that normally aren’t there. We had our family time piled on our bed last night. Something I enjoy immensely on Saturday mornings, but not as I’m winding down for the night. And not having a time when everyone goes to their respective spaces (because ours is the only one we have), just increased the anxiety.

I didn’t sleep well, but woke up with renewed energy. Because today, it will be finished! I’m going back to Weight Watchers after work and will be home late. But, once Kae is in bed, I can start putting the house back together again. I will stay up all night if I have to. I will be tired, but again, it will be such a good tired!

Another Super Bowl Party

There are few things in this life that I enjoy more than having people over. I get so much joy out of friends and family enjoying our home. Even through all the stress of getting the house cleaned, when I have a dog, cat, husband and toddler making a mess behind me, doing the shopping, and cooking the food, it’s all worth it to watch people truly have a good time when they come over. And to me, it’s what a house is good for…sharing it with others. I don’t think I can truly appreciate a place if I couldn’t see it through the eyes of people who don’t live there.


Roger and I have been so busy lately that our annual Super Bowl party seemed to sneak up on us out of nowhere. We spent all day Saturday preparing for it. Cleaning up the yard so we can take advantage of the awesome weather we’re having now, prepping the meat for the grill, making potato salad, making barbeque sauce, and cleaning up the house, had us exhausted. We (or at least Roger) stayed up pretty late. But, it was all worth it in the end. We managed to get the food cooked in time to actually enjoy our own party, and though I still don’t know who was actually playing the Super Bowl, I would call the party a huge success.

We’re getting bamboo floors installed today. I can’t wait to go home and see it! It was nice not having to worry about spilling things on the carpet yesterday and even nicer that some friends stayed after the party to help us clear everything out of the house. It was another late night, but it would have been even later if we didn’t have such wonderful friends. This morning, I’m tired, but it’s a good tired.

Farm Fresh Vegetables

This post is going in my new blog with actual links.

Last week, I decided to try something new and ordered fresh vegetables online. I researched several places and in the end settled on Farm Fresh to You. They are a bay area farm that specializes in organic produce.


I chose Farm Fresh because it offers the widest variety of choices. You have the ability to list out fruits and vegetables that you absolutely don’t ever want to see in your box, can adjust the size of the box, and the frequency of delivery. There are also fruit only or vegetable only choices and even a “no cook” box for those that don’t cook or don’t have time to cook.

I ended up ordering the regular size box ($31.50) to be delivered every other week….mainly because the website suggested this for a couple or small family. The $31.50 includes the delivery charge. For those of you (if you are like me) that need to plan your meals ahead or shop on the weekends, you can look up what will be in your box on the weekend before it’s delivered. I wasn’t aware of this feature when I first ordered, but was thrilled to find it when I looked up my order several days later! It also included direct links to storage suggestions and recipes for each of the fruits and vegetables on my list.

My box arrived yesterday and included the following:

Apples, Tangelos, Tangerines, Red onions, green onions, lettuce, kale, collard greens, cauliflower, carrots, and beets. If I had ordered a week earlier, my first box would have included mushrooms and chard (hope to see these again in my next shipment). It does not surprise me that in the winter I would see more leafy greens, onions, and beets in the box, since that is what’s growing now. I’m really looking forward to seeing what we get in the spring and summer months!

I did a quick price check on the produce I received and if I had purchased these at a farmers market, I could have gotten them for a lot less. If you have access to get to one of these on a regular basis and the time to go, then that would be a better choice. But, if I were to purchase all these from the organic produce section in Raley’s (I love this store), then the price is actually pretty comparable.

The main advantage to getting vegetables this way is that it forces me to be more creative when it comes to feeding my family. I’m not a picky eater and so far (knocking on wood), neither is my daughter. But my husband is…or at least he’s not that adventurous. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when it comes to meals…especially when it comes to vegetables. Unless we get something we absolutely hate, my plan is to take what I get and come up with easy, healthy recipes that incorporate that. The hope is that we’ll end up with new, healthy dishes that we otherwise wouldn’t have tried.

The second advantage is the time savings, which for me, as a working mother, is huge! A trip to the grocery store can easily take an hour, if not more. And to keep fresh fruits and vegetables in the house, those trips need to be fairly often (at least once a week). We already make bigger trips to places like Costco or Sam’s Club to buy our meats and non-perishable items. We invested in a freezer to keep in the garage and a very simple vacuum sealer. This way, we can buy the large, bulky meats, and separate them into family size portions. This takes some extra time on shopping day, but saves us money and decreases the number of trips we need to take. Plus, we can keep a good variety of things in the house this way.

So, with the meat, rice, pasta and canned goods taken care of and now, the fresh fruits and vegetables being delivered directly to our house, the grocery shopping is pretty much done. Making a weekly pit stop for milk and eggs, if I do it right, can take as little as five or ten minutes and can happen on my way home from work. The time savings equals a lifetime for me!

Speaking of eggs…I got an email from Farm Fresh this morning that said they are adding egg delivery to their service. The eggs come from a neighboring farm and you can get either free range eggs for $7/dozen or cage free eggs for $6/dozen. At first, I was a little excited at the possibility of farm fresh eggs being added to my box, but I do think it’s a little pricey and have decided against it. Unless getting free range or cage free is the most important thing when it comes to buying eggs, I say it’s not worth the extra cost.

Bedtime Routine

I'm the one that usually puts Kaelyn down for the night.  It's my time to spend some quality one on one time with her and I selfishly take it.  Roger has never complained about it.  He get's his own time with her in other ways.

It used to be that whenever I reached out for Kaelyn (and many times that I don't), she would eagerly come to me.  As we walked towards the stairs, she'd turn to Roger and yell out "Bye bye Dada!"  She loved the reaction she would get when she said those words. 

Our routine takes a while.  I take her to her room and change her.  We tickle and practice the parts or our faces.  She shows me her feet and how she can get the baby wipes out of the container by herself.  After that, we sit in the glider and I read her a book.  She leans into me and turns the pages before I'm ready for her to.  Her hair always smells like baby shampoo.  I love this smell.  When I'm 100 years old I'll remember that smell.  It will probably fill the air when I pass this world and move on to the next.

After the book, I sit her in her crib.  She has a precious moments doll that when you squeeze the tummy says a little prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
May angels watch me through the night
And keep me in their Blessed sight - Amen.

We always say this prayer.  I refuse to let her go to bed without it.  I have this irrational fear that if we don't pray, something could happen to her.  It's crazy, but it's how I feel. 

I kiss Kaelyn good night and she kisses me back.  I lay her down.  She used to do this, too, without protest, but these days she just rolls over and sits back up.  I have to lay her down a few times before she'll stay.  I turn on her baby beethoven cd, turn off the light, and close her door.  I can hear her wimper.  Not really cry, but not really accept bedtime either.  Usually within five minutes she's quiet.

Lately, Kaelyn has caught on to bedtime.  I don't even have to say it anymore.  If it's within 10 minutes of her normal bedtime, she knows.  As things wind down for the night, she normally gets a bit more cranky.  She doesn't find Buckeye as amusing.  If Roger is in between her and wherever she wants to go, climbing over him comes with some whining.  Roger and I are normally sitting on the floor with her during this time.  Talking to each other, but mostly playing with her.  For the last week or so, Kaelyn has started snuggling up to Roger.  As her bedtime nears, she grabs a toy or a book, then sits, and eventually lies in his lap.  She'll look up at him and show him whatever she's playing with and blow him kisses.  It's sweet to watch and Roger just loves it.

But, when I stand up things change.  Where she used to reach out to me, now she cries.  She knows I'm going to take her to bed and she does not want to go.  She turns and runs away, or presses up against Roger begging him to pick her up.  When I do get her she cries and pulls away.

It breaks my heart a little more everyday to go through this.  I know that she is only acting this way because she knows I'm taking her to bed and she doesn't want to go.  She no longer yells out "Bye bye Dada" because she's too busy crying that I've got her in the first place.

By the time we reach the bottom of our stairs and are in our hallway, she's over it.  Smiling and rubbing my cheek.  We go through the rest of our routine as sweetly as we always have.  But, I know the day is coming where she'll resist that too.  And it makes me sad.

There were a few days when I wasn't feeling that well that Roger took Kaelyn down to bed.  Those days she didn't complain about leaving the family room.  She would yell out "Bye bye Mama!" as they left the room.  She doesn't associate bedtime with Roger, so she didn't complain about it.  It makes me a little jealous.

Part of me selfishly wants Roger to be the one that takes her to bed for a while.  So her association with that switches to him and I'm the one that she runs to when she doesn't want to go.  It's wrong to feel this way but that's what I want sometimes. 

I don't want to give up our routine though.  While I have it, I want to keep it.  In the meantime, as she starts to resist, I need to think of new fun ways to transition her into bed.   It's hard for me to imagine that there will be a time when she just goes to bed on her own...doesn't want me to take her or follow her.  There will even be a time when she goes to bed in a house that I don't live in.  I can't imagine that will happen, but it will.  She's only 16 months old and already, I'm aware that one day she won't need me as much and she'll leave.  

How depressing.

Home and Landscape Expo

We had a really good weekend.  It was Home and Landscape Expo weekend!  This is among one of my favorite things to do in Sacramento.  I just love walking around and getting all the ideas for things we can do in the house.  It used to depress me a little bit to see all the displays and know that we can't afford to do everything.  These days, I'm so content with how things are...and how beautiful Roger has made the house look that I just note the ideas and keep pressing forward with the projects we have lined up.

The downside to the show was the weather.  Cold.  Rainy. Foggy.  And it did put me in a bit of a down mood.  I didn't have the patience for any of the outdoor displays.  So, Vickie, Kaelyn and I went inside and let Roger walk around the outside by himself.  But the show is huge and even though we have our cell phones, I didn't want to put too much distance between me and Roger.  Plus I wanted to see some of the displays with him.  So, we would walk around some, but tried not to get too far.  I feel like I rushed him through some of the outdoor displays because I just wanted to keep moving forward.  I could make an analogy about life here, but I won't.

Another cool thing about the show was that we were able to get four free tickets to a River Cats baseball game.  I don't know yet if we'll invite two friends to go to one game, or go to two different games ourselves.  Vickie has two tickets as well, so regardless of how generous (or not) we feel with out tickets, I know that we can have Vickie come with us.

After the show, we came home for naps.  We had a dinner event later that night and I really wanted all of us to get some rest before then.  As I should have predicted though, that didn't happen.  Kaelyn was in no mood to take a nap and though she eventually did fall asleep, it took a while.  And by the time we put our goodies from the show away, talked to my parents on the phone, and did a load of laundry, it was time to get ready and go.

Anyway, after being out pretty much all day on Saturday, Sunday was very mellow in comparison.  I managed to get a short nap in during one of Kaelyn's and Roger cleaned up the garage, but mostly the three of us did a whole lot of nothing.  Kaelyn did a lot to entertain us.  Everyday, she does something that is cuter than the last.  She is growing so fast.  I can't even call her a baby anymore!  And I'm so proud of her.  After about a year of being downright terrified of the bathtub, the last few weeks, we've finally got her to start enjoying them.  Last night, she even tried to dunk her head underwater! 

I got to spend some good quality alone time with Kae after her bath and I really can't believe how sweet she can be.  During those moments, it's so easy to be grateful for the wonderful family I have. 

Roger, decided to give Buckeye a bath last night too.  I have no idea why, though it may have something to do with Kaelyn throwing her spaghetti on her.  The bath was pure chaos.  She was pretty good during the actual bath part, but had no desire to sit still long enough to be dried off completely or brushed.  I don't know if she was afraid we'd put her back in the tub if we caught her or if it was a game to her, but boy is that dog fast!

After everyone was finally settled down for the night, Roger and I watched a movie and had our hour of "us" time.  It was nice.

I'm really tired this morning, but I have to get ready for work.

'Til next time.

Called and Failing

Have you ever been called to be strong for someone else?  Be the calm, pillar of support they need you to be?  I have.  And I feel like I can't let go of my own selfish feelings long enough to be there.  So instead of me being the support system, I am instead being supported.   I feel awful about it.

God has called me to be strong.  The test he laid out before me is not even that difficult.  He's even showed me, very clearly, what the answers are!  All I have to do is copy them down, follow the directions, and everything will be ok.  It's so clearly going to be ok that it's hilarious that I'm still so resistant to it!

I don't want to take the test.  I just don't.  I have no choice, so instead of going into it with an open heart, I'm fighting it.  Making it more difficult. 

Something very positive happened yesterday.  Something that I wanted, even though I never admitted it out loud.  But, it comes at the price of something I think I want more...but don't...and definitely don't need.  And the thing I'm giving up?  The funny part is, it's temporary.  I can have it back...probably in just a few short weeks. 

So, God has temporarily taken it away.  Said to me "Here's what your heart truly desires" and taken the thing that is shadowing that.  When I first heard the news, my immediate reaction was relief.  But it was quickly replaced by fear, uncertainty, second-guessing that having what I've been craving so much these past few months is worth giving up the one thing keeping me from it.

So, last night I cried and Roger, who needs me, was there to comfort me. 

I know I'm being cryptic.  I just don't feel like being straight forward right now.  I'd rather come back in a few months, weeks, whatever, read this post and see how silly I'm being, than reading a recap of yesterday's events.  Events we knew were very possible to take place and said we were ok with.  Right now, I don't feel like I'm being a good person, or a good wife.  But, I do have a good husband...and that makes me feel worse.

I need prayer and I need strength.

On another note, I had an idea yesterday.  And I think that I'm going to try to bring this idea to fruition.  But, it's going to take time and patience.  Two things I don't have a lot of .  Have to do some research, and we'll see what happens.  If my idea is successful, I will be talking about it a lot on this blog.  So, hopefully, there will be more messages about that in the future.

Finally Better

I am finally seeing the light at the end of the sickness tunnel! After fighting a cold for what seems like forever, it looks like I finally have it beat. I can breathe, I’m not coughing, and best of all, my ears aren’t clogged!


Of course, getting better came at the expense of us doing anything this weekend. Saturday, I had zero energy. Roger took care of Kaelyn and I tried my best to relax. Of course, I still had to clean the kitchen and bathroom and do at least one load of laundry. I was hoping that instead of Roger complaining about me straining myself, he would do the chores himself, but no such luck. He did take care of all the cooking (and cleanup from that) and all the diaper changes. I can’t complain too much.

Sunday was a bit better. I was starting to feel more energized and decided to do some cooking. Roger did go to the grocery store for me and helped me cook one of the dishes. I’m on this “cook once eat all week” kick. I want us to have variety in our diet, but I don’t have time to cook elaborate meals during the week. Devoting Sunday afternoons to cooking isn’t that much of a sacrifice. I love cooking…I just wish I had time to make something every day. Last night we had grilled pork chops topped with grilled nectarines and sweet red onions….and a side of couscous. It was delicious. I also roasted a chicken that I stuffed with couscous and almonds. We’ll eat that tonight and I’ll probably make a soup of some sort with the leftovers later in the week.

Kaelyn did the cutest thing this weekend. While I was lying on the couch, half sleeping, half trying to find the energy to get up, Roger and Kaelyn were playing on the floor. I was dozing off when I heard Kaelyn grunt. Then she kept grunting. I opened my eyes and saw that she had taken the blanket I normally cuddle up with from its place under the side table and was dragging it over to me. She was grunting because she was trying to lift it up and put it over me. How sweet! When I realized what she was doing and helped her with the blanket, I gave her a big hug and told her what a good girl she is. She was beaming with pride! Then she decided to bring me all her toys, her sippy cup, and dragged her little rocking horse over to me too. I love my little girl!

Nothing else to report. It was a quiet weekend. But exactly what I needed. I feel better now and that’s worth giving up a weekend for.

Changing It Up

As someone with naturally curly hair, I learned early in life that there's a very small window of opportunity in which to make it look good.  The first 20 minutes after getting out of the shower is crucial.  I comb through my wet hair, put product in it, and wait...hoping that when it dries, it looks right.  If it doesn't, my only choices are to put it up in a ponytail or get back in the shower and start over.

That being said, for as long as I can remember, I've been a morning showerer.  Taking a shower at night is only possible if I don't plan to do anything with my hair the next day...otherwise, if I try to leave it down, it's just a frizzy mess.  When I was working out on the Bay Bridge, I would be so filthy when I got home, that I would jump right in the shower...and so tired, that I would go straight to bed.  I slept really well back then, but I attributed that to working so hard...and being pregnant.  Once I had Kaelyn and returned back to a more normal schedule, I switched back to showering in the morning. 

The other night, after I gave Kaelyn her bath and put her to bed, I took a moment to just stare at her.  She smiled at me sleepily, and looked so comfortable...clean, in her pajamas, snuggled in for a good night's sleep.  I suddenly craved the very same thing.  Like I said, my sinuses have really been bothering me lately, so I haven't been sleeping that well.  I told Roger that I was going to take a shower and go to bed early.  The night shower was exactly what the doctor ordered.  It didn't permanantly cure my sinuses, but the steam did help them temporarily, and for whatever reason...I'd like to think because of the shower...I slept like a baby that night.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've bothered to style my hair since Kaelyn was born.  Most of the time, I'm not motivated to do anything more than throw it up in a pony tail or a braid.  And I don't see me changing my ways anytime soon...though I'm starting to grow tired of being boring and predictable.  Until I go get my hair done by a professional, I've made the decision to start showering at night.  Sleep well.  It makes all the difference!

100 Posts

Well, this is number 100.  I just realized that this morning.  And as much as I wish that I had something profound to write about...I don't.

100 posts and almost one year ago, nothing has changed.  Kaelyn has grown tremendously and we added Buckeye to our family, but that's pretty much it.  We took all our big leaps before I started this blog.  This blog hasn't done that much to change my life.  It's a nice little online diary, but it doesn't chronicle anything that important.  Nothing that anyone, but me, would find all that interesting.  Roger doesn't even read it (which I prefer).

I will say that I prefer to have nothing to write about.  Sometimes, I feel guilty in my blogging.  I read other blogs that are filled with trauma, drama, heartache.  Those are, sadly, the most interesting ones to read, and also tend to be the most inspiring.  But, not having those things to write about, means that my life is pretty good.  It won't always be this way, so instead of feeling guilty that my blog is boring and I'm happy, I want to revel in it.  Boring and happy is a very good thing!
.................

We had another long weekend and decided that we needed some time to ourselves.  We're both a little tired.  Saturday, we went out and priced hardwood floors.  I'm not sure when we'll actually get them, but I'm so excited for the project!  Klara came over for a few minutes on Sunday, which was nice, and the rest of the weekend, I barely bothered to get dressed.  It felt like a long weekend should....long.  And that's just what I needed.

I'm still a bit sick.  My right ear is clogged and my sinuses are bugging me.  I really want to get over this!  I have a class this week.  Which means my schedule will be a little bit different.  Not sure yet if it will be a good different or not. 

That's about it.  We're all good here!

Cough** Cough** Cough**

I’ve been sick the last few days…for almost a week now. I go from feeling better to not better by the hour. I spent a majority of the weekend, trying to soothe my aching throat and get rid of my raspy cough. Nothing seems to be working. I can get temporary relief with Theraflu and cough drops, but permanent better-ness seems out of reach so far.


If I didn’t have so much going on at work, I probably would have taken a sick day. If I can just rest for one day, I’d be better, but that’s so hard to do. Not just because of work…but between Kaelyn, Buckeye, Itty, and Roger, I have my hands full. Three out of four of them don’t understand that sometimes I need rest…and they are a lot to handle for one person. Though Roger does try.

I’ve been lethargic and even a little moody all week. Mostly because I get tired so easily. Yesterday, there was a water leak near our building at work and to repair it, the utility companies had to shut off our water. That meant that we got to go home a couple of hours early. I eagerly left to get Kaelyn and decided to make the most of the extra time by making a huge spaghetti dinner…something we’ve all been craving, but I haven’t been feeling well enough to do. Roger was ecstatic when he got home! We had a nice time, but honestly, I couldn’t taste a thing and by the time dinner was over, I was too exhausted to fully enjoy our family time. Roger and Kaelyn loving it was enough for me, but I sure wish I would have been feeling better!

I have to go to Reno tonight…and I’m not really looking forward to it. The work isn’t that bad…just a meeting in the morning and the drive wouldn’t be so bad if the weather was better. It’s just being away from family and not getting to sleep in my bed, or wake up next to my husband. Even though the trip means I can sleep in a little bit and it will be nice not to wake up to a dog licking my face, I would still rather be home. This morning, I was scrambling to finish packing and get myself and Kaelyn ready to leave. Thursdays are the one day that Roger and I don’t leave the house together…because he has a meeting that starts at 0630. So, I get less help from him on these mornings than normal. Because I’ve been sick, I’ve been dragging and I felt like I was running so late…even though I really wasn’t.

Roger was trying to help me out a little bit…even though he was in a rush too, and in the chaos, he ended up taking my cell phone. This would have been ok if he had left his behind. We’ve traded before…but he took that one as well! Luckily, he was able to swing by work and give it back to me, and I got a few extra kisses in before I take off later today…which was nice. The only thing that would have made it better is if Kaelyn was with him…but I loved spending just ten extra minutes with him this morning. It really is the little things!

Insanity

I’m convinced that Roger and I are insane. We get married and say we want to travel, have fun, and adventure. We dream of a life where we go out, do all the crazy things we love, and then come home to a calm, serene environment (ok the calm, serene dream is mine…but he agreed). Then we have a baby. And even though we didn’t necessarily plan her, we weren’t trying NOT to have her either. And now, our lives pretty much rotate around her. Travel and adventure. Sure, but it comes with a lot more planning, coordination, and money than we originally planned. Calm home. Yeah, I guess. Having one child is nowhere near as chaotic as having two or more, but still, she’s active…and messy. I spend more time chasing after her, picking up toys, cleaning food off the floor and out of her hair, than I spend relaxing. My laundry multiplies daily!


And when I finally get into my groove with developing a routine I can handle…between Roger’s and my job, the distance to the babysitter, and an active 15 month old, the routine was tiring…but, I got there. I got to where we can all manage it and be happy and functional. Just when I get to that point, I say to Roger “We should get a dog!” And not just any dog. The dog I fell in love with is a Jack Russell Terrier puppy. In other words, the opposite of calm. And Roger, being equally as insane as I am, reasons that he loves me, and therefore gets me the dog I want. And here she is….our new family pet!

Now, I love this dog. She is so darned cute and really really sweet. But, she is active and easily excited. Calm is not something she does for too long. But, we can get her there. We were lucky that she came to us crate trained and even luckier that our friend, Vickie, had an extra crate she was willing to give us. Unfortunately, the best place in the house for the crate is my library. My beautiful, serene library…the room that is just mine. I try my best to make the crate look like a table…I’m only sort of successful. (My solution is temporary and Roger will help me with something more permanent soon). But, for now, the sheet that I used as a temporary “table cloth” get’s chewed up a little more each day. It’s a wrinkled mess. It no longer fits the atmosphere I was going for in my library. I digress.

Buckeye is destined to be a great dog…but, she has added a bit (no a lot) more chaos to our household. Here’s how our evenings at home go:

I get home with Kaelyn and take her to her room to change her diaper. Itty Bitty (the cat) is normally sleeping on the changing table (she is not allowed there) and gets angry when I make her get down. Kaelyn wants to play with Itty. She doesn’t sit still long enough for me to change her. I distract her with my blackberry, but Itty, who pretends not to want the attention, insists on hanging around, in Kaelyn’s line of site, but just out of reach.

I can hear Buckeye moving around in her crate. She wants to join us, but I’m not ready for her yet. I take Kaelyn directly to the kitchen and put her in her high chair. Buckeye is going downright crazy by this point, and Itty has decided to further defy my rules and jump on the kitchen island to continue to harass Kaelyn (who loves it). There’s barking, meowing, and squealing. I take Kaelyn’s dinner out of the crock pot and leave it out of her reach to cool off. I put Itty outside so she won’t eat Kaelyn’s dinner when I’m not looking. Kaelyn is still squealing and Buckeye is still barking.

Then, I take Buckeye out of her crate. She is so darn excited! She’s shaking with delight, running all over the house, and within 30 seconds has made it to the kitchen door. She has to make sure that all the other neighborhood dogs know she’s outside. I try to shush her because I hate it when I can hear the neighbor’s dogs and don’t want to be one of “those” houses. I leave her outside to give Kaelyn her food. Kaelyn is a calm eater (thank you Lord!). Buckeye comes back inside and is ready for her treat, but this makes her so excited! She has to run from room to room to find the exact right spot to eat. Itty now feels the need to discipline Buckeye, so she hides behind furniture so she can jump and attack when Buckeye runs by. I try to concentrate on Kaelyn, but this is impossible, so I make the pets come back to the kitchen. I force Buckeye to sit still. She’s a good dog, so she listens, but I can tell it kills her. Itty gets bored with us and leaves the kitchen to go relax on the window sill in the family room.

Roger comes home! Yeah! We’re all excited. Kaelyn squirms in her high chair, Buckeye and I go to the garage door to meet him and give him our kisses. But Buckeye cannot calm down. She’s so happy that he’s home. I am too. Itty leaves the family room to see what’s going on. She loves Roger the best and mews at his feet and rubs against his leg. Roger gives all of us the attention we’re asking for. He doesn’t mind the excitement even though I’m ready for everyone to calm back down. I send him outside with the dog while I finish getting our dinner ready. Kaelyn goes back to eating. Roger manages to get Buckeye to calm down and they come back inside. Buckeye eats her dinner, while we eat ours. Roger and I try to have a conversation about our days, but Kaelyn wants to talk too. Buckeye just wants to be near us and Itty wants to be as far away as possible.

Finally, dinner is over and the kitchen is clean. We all go upstairs to the family room. Roger wants to watch ‘Two and a Half Men’ and I want to read. Instead, we turn on the TV and both get on the floor to play with Kaelyn. Buckeye joins us and Roger is pretty good about keeping her and Kaelyn both happy. Itty resumes her “attacks” from earlier. Then Kaelyn’s bedtime hits us. She’s tired and rubbing her eyes. She no longer finds Buckeye amusing and Roger scoops her up to kiss her goodnight. I take her down to her room, change her clothes, and read her a book. I close her bedroom door so the animals can’t get to us. Kaelyn snuggles with me; I put her in bed, say a prayer, and kiss her goodnight. I walk out of her room and Buckeye is there…she is sad and has the “why did you leave me?” look on her face. My cold heart melts and I tell her to follow me back upstairs.

Itty is asleep. She’s done with us for the moment. I sit down beside Roger and lean into him. Buckeye jumps on the couch with us. She calms down and closes her eyes. Finally, the house is quiet! Roger and I pick up our conversation from earlier. We have our hour of “us” time. This isn’t the life we said we wanted, but it is the life we purposely created. We are insane…but, we are also happy.

Happy New Year! (and the same old same old)

You have jury duty! That’s right. The first Monday of the new year and I’m summoned for jury duty. I ended up getting excused because of a business trip I have to take next week, but I’ll be called back again in a month. I admit this doesn’t make me very happy. I’m all for doing my civil duty and think being part of the legal process would be very interesting…but I find it impossible to clear my schedule for a week or two (or longer) at a time. Who really can do that? I tend to have so much going on at work and at home, that I can’t see being available to sit in a trial for even as long as a week without something else in my life suffering for it. I guess I just need more prep time. I find going on vacations difficult enough….I can’t give up that kind of time to be a juror.


Anyway, so far the new year has just been ok. Not that it’s been bad, but it hasn’t started with the same bang of excitement as in previous years. Last year, I was starting the new year with a new job offer and a new baby, the year before with a new husband, and years before that with excitement of starting something fresh, leaving problems of years past in the past. This year, nothing is changing. And maybe that’s how it should be. I’ve reached the point in my life where things are ok and having the “routine” of last year carry forth into this year is actually pretty great.

I’m not huge on New Year resolutions. I used to make them as a teenager at my mother’s insistence (she’s huge on all things traditional and superstitious). And being the overachiever that I am, I always tried to follow through with them. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that resolutions are kind of ridiculous. After all, I should always be living the way that makes me happy, even if that means working on things and doing things that don’t necessarily make me happy the moment I’m doing them. And who wants to start off a new year with pressure to change? If I want to lose weight (which I do), then I try to eat right and exercise all the time…giving myself leeway for holidays and vacations. I don’t see the point in waiting until January 1 to start a diet and then going in full force.

But, liking resolutions or not, Roger and I did make one this year. We have a solid marriage and great relationship, but we have gotten wrapped up in “life”…making our family and our household work. I started to feel like we lost the couple that we have been all these years before Kaelyn arrived. We used to try to have a regular date night and as great as those are, they are impractical for us. Our work schedules are long, we both want to spend time with Kaelyn before she goes to bed, and we are pretty tired ourselves by the time we wind down. Still, I miss the fun we had…we still have a lot of fun, it’s just that now we have to plan for it and that sucks.

So, Roger suggested that we pick one hour every night for just us. The hour directly after Kaelyn goes to bed. No tv, no work, no cleaning. If we choose to play a game, or share a glass of wine together, and talk, tell jokes, whatever. It’s our time…and I love this idea! We don’t have to plan dates, eat out, pick movies to watch. We don’t have to arrange for a baby sitter, we can just be. It makes being us a lot easier and much less work. Of course, last night, the first night that we were going to implement this, we ended up spending an hour on hold and then talking to an on-call nurse because Kae was running a fever. She was acting like she felt fine, but she was just so hot. The fever broke sometime during the night (thank goodness she slept through the night!), but it was impossible to concentrate on anything but that. By the time we were off the phone armed with information and instructions for how to treat her, it was around 10:30. Roger and I were both feeling pretty tired. We went to bed, but I stayed up most of the night checking on her. At midnight, she was still running a high fever…though below 103 (105 is when they wanted the emergency room visit). By 3 am, her temp was back down to normal (without the aid of a fever reducer). She’s better now, has her 15 month check up tomorrow, so I’ll talk to her doctor about it more then, which leaves us tonight (hopefully) to try out our hour of “us” time. Yeah 