Called and Failing

Have you ever been called to be strong for someone else?  Be the calm, pillar of support they need you to be?  I have.  And I feel like I can't let go of my own selfish feelings long enough to be there.  So instead of me being the support system, I am instead being supported.   I feel awful about it.

God has called me to be strong.  The test he laid out before me is not even that difficult.  He's even showed me, very clearly, what the answers are!  All I have to do is copy them down, follow the directions, and everything will be ok.  It's so clearly going to be ok that it's hilarious that I'm still so resistant to it!

I don't want to take the test.  I just don't.  I have no choice, so instead of going into it with an open heart, I'm fighting it.  Making it more difficult. 

Something very positive happened yesterday.  Something that I wanted, even though I never admitted it out loud.  But, it comes at the price of something I think I want more...but don't...and definitely don't need.  And the thing I'm giving up?  The funny part is, it's temporary.  I can have it back...probably in just a few short weeks. 

So, God has temporarily taken it away.  Said to me "Here's what your heart truly desires" and taken the thing that is shadowing that.  When I first heard the news, my immediate reaction was relief.  But it was quickly replaced by fear, uncertainty, second-guessing that having what I've been craving so much these past few months is worth giving up the one thing keeping me from it.

So, last night I cried and Roger, who needs me, was there to comfort me. 

I know I'm being cryptic.  I just don't feel like being straight forward right now.  I'd rather come back in a few months, weeks, whatever, read this post and see how silly I'm being, than reading a recap of yesterday's events.  Events we knew were very possible to take place and said we were ok with.  Right now, I don't feel like I'm being a good person, or a good wife.  But, I do have a good husband...and that makes me feel worse.

I need prayer and I need strength.

On another note, I had an idea yesterday.  And I think that I'm going to try to bring this idea to fruition.  But, it's going to take time and patience.  Two things I don't have a lot of .  Have to do some research, and we'll see what happens.  If my idea is successful, I will be talking about it a lot on this blog.  So, hopefully, there will be more messages about that in the future.