Unbalanced

In general, I’m not a “people pleaser.” I can count on one hand the number of people I truly want to be pleased with me. Everyone else is just a bonus. That’s not to say that I want to make people unhappy, or do things to make others not like me. I just don’t go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is completely happy all the time.


What I am, is a perfectionist. So, when I am asked (or I volunteer) to help a friend, or take on a project, or whatever, I’ll neglect everything about myself to make sure that my friend, or my project is perfect. For example, if I volunteer to help a friend find a new place to live, I will go out of my way to make sure that he/she finds the perfect place, gets the best deal, help pack the boxes, and throw the housewarming party. At work, it’s worse. Even though I hate bringing work home with me and try not to, if something isn’t going right with a project, or there’s a problem, I won’t be able to sleep at night until I find the perfect solution to bring everything back to normal.

When I first started college, I had a hard time finding balance in my life. I stressed out so much about making sure that my grades were perfect, my room was perfect, and everything else was perfect, that I didn’t have a lot of fun. That is, until I learned that I could reach perfection (or at least perfection enough for me) without spending all my time trying to achieve it. Basically, I learned the rule of “good enough” or in my case “perfect enough”. And as I got older, and joined the work force, that is where I developed my insane need to have as much separation between work and my social life as possible.

I tend to be the one to take on the toughest and most challenging projects at work. Not so much to please my bosses or make things easier for my coworkers, but more because I enjoy solving problems, and the bigger the problem, the better. When I first start a job, or a new project, I go through a period of time where I’ll work for insane hours and focus too much on the task at hand. Eventually, I find that happy medium of “good enough” and restore some semblance of balance to my life. Back in my single days, it was pretty easy, because I could work late and physically and emotionally exhaust myself, and then go home and shut everything off. If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Working hard was much easier back then.

Now, things are a little tougher. Roger and Kaelyn make up half the people that I want to please and when I go home, I stop being the perfect project manager and turn into the perfect wife and mother. I don’t get much time to rest or clear my head because I immediately start doing the things that will make my family happy. Cook a delicious dinner, play with Kaelyn, do the bath time and bedtime routines. I find balance, now, by allowing others to help me. If I have a headache, Roger can give Kae a bath and put her to bed. If Roger and I want a date night, we can ask friends to babysit. I pretty much learned that I don’t have to work a lot of overtime to do my job well, so I can make being with my family a priority. All of this is nice and has brought me more satisfaction, happiness, and balance than I’ve ever had before.

But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my life goes off kilter. Last week, I agreed to take on new and additional responsibilities at work. The perfectionist in me has re-emerged…and I’m exhausted. I haven’t yet figured out how much (or how little) I can put into what I’m doing and still have everything be perfect…or “good enough.” So, I’m working longer, harder, and stressing a little more than normal. I come home and feel the guilt of being late and of neglecting the people I love the most. It’s emotionally draining. Until I figure out how to restore balance to my life, I feel…well…off balance.

Last week, was both tough and great at the same time. By Friday afternoon, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed….in the hopes that I would feel refreshed in the morning. Instead, I met Roger and Kaelyn at Vickie’s house. Roger was installing some ceiling fans for her and she invited us to stay for dinner. By 8pm I was so tired I couldn’t even muster up the energy to drive home. I asked Roger if we could just leave my car behind. At that same time, I got word from Rob and Elisa that they had to leave Lake Tahoe early due to the severe weather. I offered to let them stay at our house overnight. This made me incredibly happy because I don’t see them very often, so getting an extra night and morning with them, unplanned, was exhilarating. But, the perfectionist in me came out. Roger brought me home, but I had to make sure the guest room and guest bathroom were perfect, that the little messes Roger had left in the house during the day were cleaned up. When they arrived, I stayed up late talking to them, which I’m truly grateful for, but it did leave me tired.

Saturday, instead of resting, I helped Vickie look for things for her backyard. It was raining and miserable. Roger got called in to work, and Kaelyn was being a typical 18 month old. I didn’t get home until 9pm, with a tired little girl, and an even more tired Mommy. I didn’t have enough time on Sunday to recover, and this week has been a challenge.

I’m sure, eventually, I will figure out a routine that works for me, Roger, and Kaelyn. Roger is incredibly supportive and more than willing to pick up my slack while I get used to new responsibilities. I love him so much for that. I’m ready to find the balance in my life again. Until then…I’m just tired.

Japan, My Friend

I’ve traveled a lot in my short life. And I’ve lived all over the world. It’s funny how the places seem to take on the persona of the memories I have and almost come to life. The places hold just as much meaning to me as the people in them.


That’s why it was so hard to look at pictures and watch videos of the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis in North eastern Japan. I spent three years there, and Misawa, Hachinohe, and Aomori were my old stomping grounds. Just one week ago I was telling Roger how I dream of taking him and Kaelyn back there one day…to point out where I used to live, where I went to buy the best olive oil I’ve ever tasted, where we used to have bonfires on the beach, my favorite restaurants. Sadly, that will probably never happen now. We can go back…and we will, but it will probably feel as strange and foreign to me as it does to them. Watching the places I loved so much get swallowed up by the ocean was like experiencing the death of a close friend.

Of course, when I woke up Friday morning and heard of the earthquake, my first reaction and worries was about the people. My old friends and coworkers who live there, who have families there. It was hours before I was able to gather enough information to conclude that they were all ok. And I’m so incredibly grateful for that. Unfortunately, the places aren’t unscathed and today, I still mourn the loss of land and the buildings and the intangible part where the memories are all that’s left.

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In more exciting news, we had a wonderful weekend. Rob and Elisa are spending their anniversary at Lake Tahoe and were able to stop by and spend some time with us on their way up. Saturday afternoon, we went wine tasting in Lodi and had dinner at Tex-Wasabi’s in Sacramento after that. We stayed up late talking, all fell asleep on the couch, and had Sunday morning to be lazy. After brunch at my favorite breakfast place, they headed up to start their vacation and Roger, Kae and I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing. Even though my heart was heavy with the news and worry about what is happening in Japan, having old friends around helped immensely. Even when the place doesn’t make it, the friendships are still there…and that has to be good enough.

Spring Plantings

I love the start of a new season.  Each season of the year brings with it fun events, traditions, outings and holidays.  As the season's start to change, I tend to get excited about what's to come. 

Even though it's still technically winter and although it's still raining off and on (I guess we'll have to put up with that for a few more weeks), signs of spring are already here.  The cherry blossoms are blooming, the weather is gorgeous, and my favorite...the annuals and perennials are for sale!  The good weather makes me happy and I always feel like celebrating it; especially right after winter.  I appreciate the warm days so much more when I haven't experienced it in a while.

This weekend, Roger, Kaelyn and I decided to get our flowers, herbs, and vegetables and start preparing for the spring plantings.  To be fair, as much as I love filling the pots with bright flowers and placing them around the patio, and as much as I love having an herb and vegetable garden, I don't do much to take care of them.  Before Roger came along, I had to live with a longing for these things I never fulfilled.  And watching him, this weekend, plant the flowers and herbs and measure out where we'll put the raised garden, made me fall in love with him all over again. 

While we were planting, Kaelyn ran around the backyard and played with Buckeye and her wagon.  She seemed to love rolling around the grass the most.  Watching her reminded me of how much I loved doing the same thing when I was a kid and it brought back a lot of good memories of my childhood; simple, unexpecting joy. 

We rounded out the day with a visit from Vickie and her dog, Max.  They joined us for dinner and a late movie. 

Sunday it rained pretty much all day, so we spent most of the day inside in our PJs.  I believe, this was the last rain for the entire week!  I'm looking forward to a relatively quiet work week (it never really is) and next weekend.  Rob and Elisa, my old friends from when I was stationed in North Carolina, are coming for a quick visit!

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Also, I did get good news on Friday from both my coworkers.  My friend's nephew was going through some testing, but he is stable. It looks like he'll be just fine.  And my other coworker made it through her heart surgery with few complications (though there were some).  No stints needed, just some extra rest and relaxation.  Praise God that they are both ok!

Is Tragedy Contagious?

When I was in college, my mother called me frantic.  There had been a tragic accident involving a girl around my age.  She died.  The cause of the accident was that one of her tires had a blowout and she lost control of her car.  My mom was sure that would happen to me too.  Never mind that they had just bought be four new tires.  My mom was convinced that something bad was about to happen to me.  Nothing did.

This was just one incident in a long line of times that my mom started worrying about me because of something that happened to someone else.  I always thought she was just crazy...and maybe she was.  But, I inherited the crazy, because now that I have a daughter of my own, I totally know how she feels.

It seems that everyone around me at work is dealing with some major tragedy right now.  A guy, with three young children, whose wife is undergoing cancer treatment.  A woman whose young nephew went into cardiac arrest yesterday.  Another woman, who sits right next to me, who is having heart surgery today and scared to death.  I'm surrounded by young people (and in one case a child) who are going through health problems way too early in life.  Yesterday, as I was helping my friend who had just heard about her nephew leave work, I started panicking.  There's no way I could handle something like that if it were me...if it were Kaelyn.  I started wondering what the symptoms of a heart attack are and made a mental note to look them up, just in case Kaelyn or Roger ever started experiencing them.

The day before, I asked the guy about his wife...and even though his words said that she was fine.  His face, and especially his eyes, said that he was dying inside.  I went back to my desk before I could burst into tears.  How could I ever face the possibility of not watching Kaelyn grow up?  If something were to happen to Roger, how would I find the strength to go on for her sake?

I know that tragedy isn't contagious, but I do get how my mom feels.  Hearing these things reminds you of how fragile life is and what a gift it is.  And while my heart aches for those that surround me, I do take a moment to be grateful that my family is safe.  But just knowing how lucky we are isn't always enough.  We are lucky...and one day it could be us.  And that has weighed heavily on me the last few days.

Last night, I took extra time to hold Kaelyn close.  She had no idea why I was so clingy, but embraced me anyway.  I believe she knew I needed some comforting, and her sweetness made me cling to her even tighter.  I took extra time to tell Roger how much I love him.  Every time he left or walked into a room, I told him.  Just in case something happened, I want him to know that.

Today, as I try to make it through work, I'll be waiting on phone calls from the two women mentioned here.  I hope they both call with good news.  Nephew is fine, surgery was fine...see you on Monday.