Home and Landscape Expo

We had a really good weekend.  It was Home and Landscape Expo weekend!  This is among one of my favorite things to do in Sacramento.  I just love walking around and getting all the ideas for things we can do in the house.  It used to depress me a little bit to see all the displays and know that we can't afford to do everything.  These days, I'm so content with how things are...and how beautiful Roger has made the house look that I just note the ideas and keep pressing forward with the projects we have lined up.

The downside to the show was the weather.  Cold.  Rainy. Foggy.  And it did put me in a bit of a down mood.  I didn't have the patience for any of the outdoor displays.  So, Vickie, Kaelyn and I went inside and let Roger walk around the outside by himself.  But the show is huge and even though we have our cell phones, I didn't want to put too much distance between me and Roger.  Plus I wanted to see some of the displays with him.  So, we would walk around some, but tried not to get too far.  I feel like I rushed him through some of the outdoor displays because I just wanted to keep moving forward.  I could make an analogy about life here, but I won't.

Another cool thing about the show was that we were able to get four free tickets to a River Cats baseball game.  I don't know yet if we'll invite two friends to go to one game, or go to two different games ourselves.  Vickie has two tickets as well, so regardless of how generous (or not) we feel with out tickets, I know that we can have Vickie come with us.

After the show, we came home for naps.  We had a dinner event later that night and I really wanted all of us to get some rest before then.  As I should have predicted though, that didn't happen.  Kaelyn was in no mood to take a nap and though she eventually did fall asleep, it took a while.  And by the time we put our goodies from the show away, talked to my parents on the phone, and did a load of laundry, it was time to get ready and go.

Anyway, after being out pretty much all day on Saturday, Sunday was very mellow in comparison.  I managed to get a short nap in during one of Kaelyn's and Roger cleaned up the garage, but mostly the three of us did a whole lot of nothing.  Kaelyn did a lot to entertain us.  Everyday, she does something that is cuter than the last.  She is growing so fast.  I can't even call her a baby anymore!  And I'm so proud of her.  After about a year of being downright terrified of the bathtub, the last few weeks, we've finally got her to start enjoying them.  Last night, she even tried to dunk her head underwater! 

I got to spend some good quality alone time with Kae after her bath and I really can't believe how sweet she can be.  During those moments, it's so easy to be grateful for the wonderful family I have. 

Roger, decided to give Buckeye a bath last night too.  I have no idea why, though it may have something to do with Kaelyn throwing her spaghetti on her.  The bath was pure chaos.  She was pretty good during the actual bath part, but had no desire to sit still long enough to be dried off completely or brushed.  I don't know if she was afraid we'd put her back in the tub if we caught her or if it was a game to her, but boy is that dog fast!

After everyone was finally settled down for the night, Roger and I watched a movie and had our hour of "us" time.  It was nice.

I'm really tired this morning, but I have to get ready for work.

'Til next time.

Called and Failing

Have you ever been called to be strong for someone else?  Be the calm, pillar of support they need you to be?  I have.  And I feel like I can't let go of my own selfish feelings long enough to be there.  So instead of me being the support system, I am instead being supported.   I feel awful about it.

God has called me to be strong.  The test he laid out before me is not even that difficult.  He's even showed me, very clearly, what the answers are!  All I have to do is copy them down, follow the directions, and everything will be ok.  It's so clearly going to be ok that it's hilarious that I'm still so resistant to it!

I don't want to take the test.  I just don't.  I have no choice, so instead of going into it with an open heart, I'm fighting it.  Making it more difficult. 

Something very positive happened yesterday.  Something that I wanted, even though I never admitted it out loud.  But, it comes at the price of something I think I want more...but don't...and definitely don't need.  And the thing I'm giving up?  The funny part is, it's temporary.  I can have it back...probably in just a few short weeks. 

So, God has temporarily taken it away.  Said to me "Here's what your heart truly desires" and taken the thing that is shadowing that.  When I first heard the news, my immediate reaction was relief.  But it was quickly replaced by fear, uncertainty, second-guessing that having what I've been craving so much these past few months is worth giving up the one thing keeping me from it.

So, last night I cried and Roger, who needs me, was there to comfort me. 

I know I'm being cryptic.  I just don't feel like being straight forward right now.  I'd rather come back in a few months, weeks, whatever, read this post and see how silly I'm being, than reading a recap of yesterday's events.  Events we knew were very possible to take place and said we were ok with.  Right now, I don't feel like I'm being a good person, or a good wife.  But, I do have a good husband...and that makes me feel worse.

I need prayer and I need strength.

On another note, I had an idea yesterday.  And I think that I'm going to try to bring this idea to fruition.  But, it's going to take time and patience.  Two things I don't have a lot of .  Have to do some research, and we'll see what happens.  If my idea is successful, I will be talking about it a lot on this blog.  So, hopefully, there will be more messages about that in the future.

Finally Better

I am finally seeing the light at the end of the sickness tunnel! After fighting a cold for what seems like forever, it looks like I finally have it beat. I can breathe, I’m not coughing, and best of all, my ears aren’t clogged!


Of course, getting better came at the expense of us doing anything this weekend. Saturday, I had zero energy. Roger took care of Kaelyn and I tried my best to relax. Of course, I still had to clean the kitchen and bathroom and do at least one load of laundry. I was hoping that instead of Roger complaining about me straining myself, he would do the chores himself, but no such luck. He did take care of all the cooking (and cleanup from that) and all the diaper changes. I can’t complain too much.

Sunday was a bit better. I was starting to feel more energized and decided to do some cooking. Roger did go to the grocery store for me and helped me cook one of the dishes. I’m on this “cook once eat all week” kick. I want us to have variety in our diet, but I don’t have time to cook elaborate meals during the week. Devoting Sunday afternoons to cooking isn’t that much of a sacrifice. I love cooking…I just wish I had time to make something every day. Last night we had grilled pork chops topped with grilled nectarines and sweet red onions….and a side of couscous. It was delicious. I also roasted a chicken that I stuffed with couscous and almonds. We’ll eat that tonight and I’ll probably make a soup of some sort with the leftovers later in the week.

Kaelyn did the cutest thing this weekend. While I was lying on the couch, half sleeping, half trying to find the energy to get up, Roger and Kaelyn were playing on the floor. I was dozing off when I heard Kaelyn grunt. Then she kept grunting. I opened my eyes and saw that she had taken the blanket I normally cuddle up with from its place under the side table and was dragging it over to me. She was grunting because she was trying to lift it up and put it over me. How sweet! When I realized what she was doing and helped her with the blanket, I gave her a big hug and told her what a good girl she is. She was beaming with pride! Then she decided to bring me all her toys, her sippy cup, and dragged her little rocking horse over to me too. I love my little girl!

Nothing else to report. It was a quiet weekend. But exactly what I needed. I feel better now and that’s worth giving up a weekend for.

Changing It Up

As someone with naturally curly hair, I learned early in life that there's a very small window of opportunity in which to make it look good.  The first 20 minutes after getting out of the shower is crucial.  I comb through my wet hair, put product in it, and wait...hoping that when it dries, it looks right.  If it doesn't, my only choices are to put it up in a ponytail or get back in the shower and start over.

That being said, for as long as I can remember, I've been a morning showerer.  Taking a shower at night is only possible if I don't plan to do anything with my hair the next day...otherwise, if I try to leave it down, it's just a frizzy mess.  When I was working out on the Bay Bridge, I would be so filthy when I got home, that I would jump right in the shower...and so tired, that I would go straight to bed.  I slept really well back then, but I attributed that to working so hard...and being pregnant.  Once I had Kaelyn and returned back to a more normal schedule, I switched back to showering in the morning. 

The other night, after I gave Kaelyn her bath and put her to bed, I took a moment to just stare at her.  She smiled at me sleepily, and looked so comfortable...clean, in her pajamas, snuggled in for a good night's sleep.  I suddenly craved the very same thing.  Like I said, my sinuses have really been bothering me lately, so I haven't been sleeping that well.  I told Roger that I was going to take a shower and go to bed early.  The night shower was exactly what the doctor ordered.  It didn't permanantly cure my sinuses, but the steam did help them temporarily, and for whatever reason...I'd like to think because of the shower...I slept like a baby that night.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've bothered to style my hair since Kaelyn was born.  Most of the time, I'm not motivated to do anything more than throw it up in a pony tail or a braid.  And I don't see me changing my ways anytime soon...though I'm starting to grow tired of being boring and predictable.  Until I go get my hair done by a professional, I've made the decision to start showering at night.  Sleep well.  It makes all the difference!

100 Posts

Well, this is number 100.  I just realized that this morning.  And as much as I wish that I had something profound to write about...I don't.

100 posts and almost one year ago, nothing has changed.  Kaelyn has grown tremendously and we added Buckeye to our family, but that's pretty much it.  We took all our big leaps before I started this blog.  This blog hasn't done that much to change my life.  It's a nice little online diary, but it doesn't chronicle anything that important.  Nothing that anyone, but me, would find all that interesting.  Roger doesn't even read it (which I prefer).

I will say that I prefer to have nothing to write about.  Sometimes, I feel guilty in my blogging.  I read other blogs that are filled with trauma, drama, heartache.  Those are, sadly, the most interesting ones to read, and also tend to be the most inspiring.  But, not having those things to write about, means that my life is pretty good.  It won't always be this way, so instead of feeling guilty that my blog is boring and I'm happy, I want to revel in it.  Boring and happy is a very good thing!
.................

We had another long weekend and decided that we needed some time to ourselves.  We're both a little tired.  Saturday, we went out and priced hardwood floors.  I'm not sure when we'll actually get them, but I'm so excited for the project!  Klara came over for a few minutes on Sunday, which was nice, and the rest of the weekend, I barely bothered to get dressed.  It felt like a long weekend should....long.  And that's just what I needed.

I'm still a bit sick.  My right ear is clogged and my sinuses are bugging me.  I really want to get over this!  I have a class this week.  Which means my schedule will be a little bit different.  Not sure yet if it will be a good different or not. 

That's about it.  We're all good here!

Cough** Cough** Cough**

I’ve been sick the last few days…for almost a week now. I go from feeling better to not better by the hour. I spent a majority of the weekend, trying to soothe my aching throat and get rid of my raspy cough. Nothing seems to be working. I can get temporary relief with Theraflu and cough drops, but permanent better-ness seems out of reach so far.


If I didn’t have so much going on at work, I probably would have taken a sick day. If I can just rest for one day, I’d be better, but that’s so hard to do. Not just because of work…but between Kaelyn, Buckeye, Itty, and Roger, I have my hands full. Three out of four of them don’t understand that sometimes I need rest…and they are a lot to handle for one person. Though Roger does try.

I’ve been lethargic and even a little moody all week. Mostly because I get tired so easily. Yesterday, there was a water leak near our building at work and to repair it, the utility companies had to shut off our water. That meant that we got to go home a couple of hours early. I eagerly left to get Kaelyn and decided to make the most of the extra time by making a huge spaghetti dinner…something we’ve all been craving, but I haven’t been feeling well enough to do. Roger was ecstatic when he got home! We had a nice time, but honestly, I couldn’t taste a thing and by the time dinner was over, I was too exhausted to fully enjoy our family time. Roger and Kaelyn loving it was enough for me, but I sure wish I would have been feeling better!

I have to go to Reno tonight…and I’m not really looking forward to it. The work isn’t that bad…just a meeting in the morning and the drive wouldn’t be so bad if the weather was better. It’s just being away from family and not getting to sleep in my bed, or wake up next to my husband. Even though the trip means I can sleep in a little bit and it will be nice not to wake up to a dog licking my face, I would still rather be home. This morning, I was scrambling to finish packing and get myself and Kaelyn ready to leave. Thursdays are the one day that Roger and I don’t leave the house together…because he has a meeting that starts at 0630. So, I get less help from him on these mornings than normal. Because I’ve been sick, I’ve been dragging and I felt like I was running so late…even though I really wasn’t.

Roger was trying to help me out a little bit…even though he was in a rush too, and in the chaos, he ended up taking my cell phone. This would have been ok if he had left his behind. We’ve traded before…but he took that one as well! Luckily, he was able to swing by work and give it back to me, and I got a few extra kisses in before I take off later today…which was nice. The only thing that would have made it better is if Kaelyn was with him…but I loved spending just ten extra minutes with him this morning. It really is the little things!

Insanity

I’m convinced that Roger and I are insane. We get married and say we want to travel, have fun, and adventure. We dream of a life where we go out, do all the crazy things we love, and then come home to a calm, serene environment (ok the calm, serene dream is mine…but he agreed). Then we have a baby. And even though we didn’t necessarily plan her, we weren’t trying NOT to have her either. And now, our lives pretty much rotate around her. Travel and adventure. Sure, but it comes with a lot more planning, coordination, and money than we originally planned. Calm home. Yeah, I guess. Having one child is nowhere near as chaotic as having two or more, but still, she’s active…and messy. I spend more time chasing after her, picking up toys, cleaning food off the floor and out of her hair, than I spend relaxing. My laundry multiplies daily!


And when I finally get into my groove with developing a routine I can handle…between Roger’s and my job, the distance to the babysitter, and an active 15 month old, the routine was tiring…but, I got there. I got to where we can all manage it and be happy and functional. Just when I get to that point, I say to Roger “We should get a dog!” And not just any dog. The dog I fell in love with is a Jack Russell Terrier puppy. In other words, the opposite of calm. And Roger, being equally as insane as I am, reasons that he loves me, and therefore gets me the dog I want. And here she is….our new family pet!

Now, I love this dog. She is so darned cute and really really sweet. But, she is active and easily excited. Calm is not something she does for too long. But, we can get her there. We were lucky that she came to us crate trained and even luckier that our friend, Vickie, had an extra crate she was willing to give us. Unfortunately, the best place in the house for the crate is my library. My beautiful, serene library…the room that is just mine. I try my best to make the crate look like a table…I’m only sort of successful. (My solution is temporary and Roger will help me with something more permanent soon). But, for now, the sheet that I used as a temporary “table cloth” get’s chewed up a little more each day. It’s a wrinkled mess. It no longer fits the atmosphere I was going for in my library. I digress.

Buckeye is destined to be a great dog…but, she has added a bit (no a lot) more chaos to our household. Here’s how our evenings at home go:

I get home with Kaelyn and take her to her room to change her diaper. Itty Bitty (the cat) is normally sleeping on the changing table (she is not allowed there) and gets angry when I make her get down. Kaelyn wants to play with Itty. She doesn’t sit still long enough for me to change her. I distract her with my blackberry, but Itty, who pretends not to want the attention, insists on hanging around, in Kaelyn’s line of site, but just out of reach.

I can hear Buckeye moving around in her crate. She wants to join us, but I’m not ready for her yet. I take Kaelyn directly to the kitchen and put her in her high chair. Buckeye is going downright crazy by this point, and Itty has decided to further defy my rules and jump on the kitchen island to continue to harass Kaelyn (who loves it). There’s barking, meowing, and squealing. I take Kaelyn’s dinner out of the crock pot and leave it out of her reach to cool off. I put Itty outside so she won’t eat Kaelyn’s dinner when I’m not looking. Kaelyn is still squealing and Buckeye is still barking.

Then, I take Buckeye out of her crate. She is so darn excited! She’s shaking with delight, running all over the house, and within 30 seconds has made it to the kitchen door. She has to make sure that all the other neighborhood dogs know she’s outside. I try to shush her because I hate it when I can hear the neighbor’s dogs and don’t want to be one of “those” houses. I leave her outside to give Kaelyn her food. Kaelyn is a calm eater (thank you Lord!). Buckeye comes back inside and is ready for her treat, but this makes her so excited! She has to run from room to room to find the exact right spot to eat. Itty now feels the need to discipline Buckeye, so she hides behind furniture so she can jump and attack when Buckeye runs by. I try to concentrate on Kaelyn, but this is impossible, so I make the pets come back to the kitchen. I force Buckeye to sit still. She’s a good dog, so she listens, but I can tell it kills her. Itty gets bored with us and leaves the kitchen to go relax on the window sill in the family room.

Roger comes home! Yeah! We’re all excited. Kaelyn squirms in her high chair, Buckeye and I go to the garage door to meet him and give him our kisses. But Buckeye cannot calm down. She’s so happy that he’s home. I am too. Itty leaves the family room to see what’s going on. She loves Roger the best and mews at his feet and rubs against his leg. Roger gives all of us the attention we’re asking for. He doesn’t mind the excitement even though I’m ready for everyone to calm back down. I send him outside with the dog while I finish getting our dinner ready. Kaelyn goes back to eating. Roger manages to get Buckeye to calm down and they come back inside. Buckeye eats her dinner, while we eat ours. Roger and I try to have a conversation about our days, but Kaelyn wants to talk too. Buckeye just wants to be near us and Itty wants to be as far away as possible.

Finally, dinner is over and the kitchen is clean. We all go upstairs to the family room. Roger wants to watch ‘Two and a Half Men’ and I want to read. Instead, we turn on the TV and both get on the floor to play with Kaelyn. Buckeye joins us and Roger is pretty good about keeping her and Kaelyn both happy. Itty resumes her “attacks” from earlier. Then Kaelyn’s bedtime hits us. She’s tired and rubbing her eyes. She no longer finds Buckeye amusing and Roger scoops her up to kiss her goodnight. I take her down to her room, change her clothes, and read her a book. I close her bedroom door so the animals can’t get to us. Kaelyn snuggles with me; I put her in bed, say a prayer, and kiss her goodnight. I walk out of her room and Buckeye is there…she is sad and has the “why did you leave me?” look on her face. My cold heart melts and I tell her to follow me back upstairs.

Itty is asleep. She’s done with us for the moment. I sit down beside Roger and lean into him. Buckeye jumps on the couch with us. She calms down and closes her eyes. Finally, the house is quiet! Roger and I pick up our conversation from earlier. We have our hour of “us” time. This isn’t the life we said we wanted, but it is the life we purposely created. We are insane…but, we are also happy.

Happy New Year! (and the same old same old)

You have jury duty! That’s right. The first Monday of the new year and I’m summoned for jury duty. I ended up getting excused because of a business trip I have to take next week, but I’ll be called back again in a month. I admit this doesn’t make me very happy. I’m all for doing my civil duty and think being part of the legal process would be very interesting…but I find it impossible to clear my schedule for a week or two (or longer) at a time. Who really can do that? I tend to have so much going on at work and at home, that I can’t see being available to sit in a trial for even as long as a week without something else in my life suffering for it. I guess I just need more prep time. I find going on vacations difficult enough….I can’t give up that kind of time to be a juror.


Anyway, so far the new year has just been ok. Not that it’s been bad, but it hasn’t started with the same bang of excitement as in previous years. Last year, I was starting the new year with a new job offer and a new baby, the year before with a new husband, and years before that with excitement of starting something fresh, leaving problems of years past in the past. This year, nothing is changing. And maybe that’s how it should be. I’ve reached the point in my life where things are ok and having the “routine” of last year carry forth into this year is actually pretty great.

I’m not huge on New Year resolutions. I used to make them as a teenager at my mother’s insistence (she’s huge on all things traditional and superstitious). And being the overachiever that I am, I always tried to follow through with them. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that resolutions are kind of ridiculous. After all, I should always be living the way that makes me happy, even if that means working on things and doing things that don’t necessarily make me happy the moment I’m doing them. And who wants to start off a new year with pressure to change? If I want to lose weight (which I do), then I try to eat right and exercise all the time…giving myself leeway for holidays and vacations. I don’t see the point in waiting until January 1 to start a diet and then going in full force.

But, liking resolutions or not, Roger and I did make one this year. We have a solid marriage and great relationship, but we have gotten wrapped up in “life”…making our family and our household work. I started to feel like we lost the couple that we have been all these years before Kaelyn arrived. We used to try to have a regular date night and as great as those are, they are impractical for us. Our work schedules are long, we both want to spend time with Kaelyn before she goes to bed, and we are pretty tired ourselves by the time we wind down. Still, I miss the fun we had…we still have a lot of fun, it’s just that now we have to plan for it and that sucks.

So, Roger suggested that we pick one hour every night for just us. The hour directly after Kaelyn goes to bed. No tv, no work, no cleaning. If we choose to play a game, or share a glass of wine together, and talk, tell jokes, whatever. It’s our time…and I love this idea! We don’t have to plan dates, eat out, pick movies to watch. We don’t have to arrange for a baby sitter, we can just be. It makes being us a lot easier and much less work. Of course, last night, the first night that we were going to implement this, we ended up spending an hour on hold and then talking to an on-call nurse because Kae was running a fever. She was acting like she felt fine, but she was just so hot. The fever broke sometime during the night (thank goodness she slept through the night!), but it was impossible to concentrate on anything but that. By the time we were off the phone armed with information and instructions for how to treat her, it was around 10:30. Roger and I were both feeling pretty tired. We went to bed, but I stayed up most of the night checking on her. At midnight, she was still running a high fever…though below 103 (105 is when they wanted the emergency room visit). By 3 am, her temp was back down to normal (without the aid of a fever reducer). She’s better now, has her 15 month check up tomorrow, so I’ll talk to her doctor about it more then, which leaves us tonight (hopefully) to try out our hour of “us” time. Yeah 