Unbalanced

In general, I’m not a “people pleaser.” I can count on one hand the number of people I truly want to be pleased with me. Everyone else is just a bonus. That’s not to say that I want to make people unhappy, or do things to make others not like me. I just don’t go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is completely happy all the time.


What I am, is a perfectionist. So, when I am asked (or I volunteer) to help a friend, or take on a project, or whatever, I’ll neglect everything about myself to make sure that my friend, or my project is perfect. For example, if I volunteer to help a friend find a new place to live, I will go out of my way to make sure that he/she finds the perfect place, gets the best deal, help pack the boxes, and throw the housewarming party. At work, it’s worse. Even though I hate bringing work home with me and try not to, if something isn’t going right with a project, or there’s a problem, I won’t be able to sleep at night until I find the perfect solution to bring everything back to normal.

When I first started college, I had a hard time finding balance in my life. I stressed out so much about making sure that my grades were perfect, my room was perfect, and everything else was perfect, that I didn’t have a lot of fun. That is, until I learned that I could reach perfection (or at least perfection enough for me) without spending all my time trying to achieve it. Basically, I learned the rule of “good enough” or in my case “perfect enough”. And as I got older, and joined the work force, that is where I developed my insane need to have as much separation between work and my social life as possible.

I tend to be the one to take on the toughest and most challenging projects at work. Not so much to please my bosses or make things easier for my coworkers, but more because I enjoy solving problems, and the bigger the problem, the better. When I first start a job, or a new project, I go through a period of time where I’ll work for insane hours and focus too much on the task at hand. Eventually, I find that happy medium of “good enough” and restore some semblance of balance to my life. Back in my single days, it was pretty easy, because I could work late and physically and emotionally exhaust myself, and then go home and shut everything off. If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Working hard was much easier back then.

Now, things are a little tougher. Roger and Kaelyn make up half the people that I want to please and when I go home, I stop being the perfect project manager and turn into the perfect wife and mother. I don’t get much time to rest or clear my head because I immediately start doing the things that will make my family happy. Cook a delicious dinner, play with Kaelyn, do the bath time and bedtime routines. I find balance, now, by allowing others to help me. If I have a headache, Roger can give Kae a bath and put her to bed. If Roger and I want a date night, we can ask friends to babysit. I pretty much learned that I don’t have to work a lot of overtime to do my job well, so I can make being with my family a priority. All of this is nice and has brought me more satisfaction, happiness, and balance than I’ve ever had before.

But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my life goes off kilter. Last week, I agreed to take on new and additional responsibilities at work. The perfectionist in me has re-emerged…and I’m exhausted. I haven’t yet figured out how much (or how little) I can put into what I’m doing and still have everything be perfect…or “good enough.” So, I’m working longer, harder, and stressing a little more than normal. I come home and feel the guilt of being late and of neglecting the people I love the most. It’s emotionally draining. Until I figure out how to restore balance to my life, I feel…well…off balance.

Last week, was both tough and great at the same time. By Friday afternoon, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed….in the hopes that I would feel refreshed in the morning. Instead, I met Roger and Kaelyn at Vickie’s house. Roger was installing some ceiling fans for her and she invited us to stay for dinner. By 8pm I was so tired I couldn’t even muster up the energy to drive home. I asked Roger if we could just leave my car behind. At that same time, I got word from Rob and Elisa that they had to leave Lake Tahoe early due to the severe weather. I offered to let them stay at our house overnight. This made me incredibly happy because I don’t see them very often, so getting an extra night and morning with them, unplanned, was exhilarating. But, the perfectionist in me came out. Roger brought me home, but I had to make sure the guest room and guest bathroom were perfect, that the little messes Roger had left in the house during the day were cleaned up. When they arrived, I stayed up late talking to them, which I’m truly grateful for, but it did leave me tired.

Saturday, instead of resting, I helped Vickie look for things for her backyard. It was raining and miserable. Roger got called in to work, and Kaelyn was being a typical 18 month old. I didn’t get home until 9pm, with a tired little girl, and an even more tired Mommy. I didn’t have enough time on Sunday to recover, and this week has been a challenge.

I’m sure, eventually, I will figure out a routine that works for me, Roger, and Kaelyn. Roger is incredibly supportive and more than willing to pick up my slack while I get used to new responsibilities. I love him so much for that. I’m ready to find the balance in my life again. Until then…I’m just tired.