Bedtime Routine

I'm the one that usually puts Kaelyn down for the night.  It's my time to spend some quality one on one time with her and I selfishly take it.  Roger has never complained about it.  He get's his own time with her in other ways.

It used to be that whenever I reached out for Kaelyn (and many times that I don't), she would eagerly come to me.  As we walked towards the stairs, she'd turn to Roger and yell out "Bye bye Dada!"  She loved the reaction she would get when she said those words. 

Our routine takes a while.  I take her to her room and change her.  We tickle and practice the parts or our faces.  She shows me her feet and how she can get the baby wipes out of the container by herself.  After that, we sit in the glider and I read her a book.  She leans into me and turns the pages before I'm ready for her to.  Her hair always smells like baby shampoo.  I love this smell.  When I'm 100 years old I'll remember that smell.  It will probably fill the air when I pass this world and move on to the next.

After the book, I sit her in her crib.  She has a precious moments doll that when you squeeze the tummy says a little prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
May angels watch me through the night
And keep me in their Blessed sight - Amen.

We always say this prayer.  I refuse to let her go to bed without it.  I have this irrational fear that if we don't pray, something could happen to her.  It's crazy, but it's how I feel. 

I kiss Kaelyn good night and she kisses me back.  I lay her down.  She used to do this, too, without protest, but these days she just rolls over and sits back up.  I have to lay her down a few times before she'll stay.  I turn on her baby beethoven cd, turn off the light, and close her door.  I can hear her wimper.  Not really cry, but not really accept bedtime either.  Usually within five minutes she's quiet.

Lately, Kaelyn has caught on to bedtime.  I don't even have to say it anymore.  If it's within 10 minutes of her normal bedtime, she knows.  As things wind down for the night, she normally gets a bit more cranky.  She doesn't find Buckeye as amusing.  If Roger is in between her and wherever she wants to go, climbing over him comes with some whining.  Roger and I are normally sitting on the floor with her during this time.  Talking to each other, but mostly playing with her.  For the last week or so, Kaelyn has started snuggling up to Roger.  As her bedtime nears, she grabs a toy or a book, then sits, and eventually lies in his lap.  She'll look up at him and show him whatever she's playing with and blow him kisses.  It's sweet to watch and Roger just loves it.

But, when I stand up things change.  Where she used to reach out to me, now she cries.  She knows I'm going to take her to bed and she does not want to go.  She turns and runs away, or presses up against Roger begging him to pick her up.  When I do get her she cries and pulls away.

It breaks my heart a little more everyday to go through this.  I know that she is only acting this way because she knows I'm taking her to bed and she doesn't want to go.  She no longer yells out "Bye bye Dada" because she's too busy crying that I've got her in the first place.

By the time we reach the bottom of our stairs and are in our hallway, she's over it.  Smiling and rubbing my cheek.  We go through the rest of our routine as sweetly as we always have.  But, I know the day is coming where she'll resist that too.  And it makes me sad.

There were a few days when I wasn't feeling that well that Roger took Kaelyn down to bed.  Those days she didn't complain about leaving the family room.  She would yell out "Bye bye Mama!" as they left the room.  She doesn't associate bedtime with Roger, so she didn't complain about it.  It makes me a little jealous.

Part of me selfishly wants Roger to be the one that takes her to bed for a while.  So her association with that switches to him and I'm the one that she runs to when she doesn't want to go.  It's wrong to feel this way but that's what I want sometimes. 

I don't want to give up our routine though.  While I have it, I want to keep it.  In the meantime, as she starts to resist, I need to think of new fun ways to transition her into bed.   It's hard for me to imagine that there will be a time when she just goes to bed on her own...doesn't want me to take her or follow her.  There will even be a time when she goes to bed in a house that I don't live in.  I can't imagine that will happen, but it will.  She's only 16 months old and already, I'm aware that one day she won't need me as much and she'll leave.  

How depressing.