Pressure

I put a lot of pressure on myself. I always have. Now, I worry about putting that same pressure on my daughter…and I don’t want to do that. I fight with myself to encourage her and teach her, build confidence while at the same time not make her feel like she has to excel at everything.

When I was a child, my parents, particularly my mom, decided that I was smart. I had a knack for memorization, have what some would say is a photographic memory, and I displayed these talents as a very young child. My parents translated that into above average intelligence (which is just good memory…doesn’t have a lot to do with retaining knowledge). They always told me I was very smart and that I could excel in anything I did. I believed them and this gave me a lot of confidence. I wasn’t intimidated by academics because I truly believed that I could “get” and “learn” anything. I think this was a very good thing and that had I not had that positive reinforcement, I may not have tried or accomplished half of the things I have.

But at the same time, that encouragement came with a lot of pressure. I felt like, because I was “smart”, I couldn’t fail. I had to do well. Where other kids recognized that getting a B in some subjects was not a bad thing, I feared it. I was particularly afraid of my parents’ disapproval if I wasn’t the best. I still, as a well-adjusted adult, feel the same way. Some things came easy to me and I could do well without much effort…others, not so much. In these areas, I stressed. I remember times when I literally memorized class notes and books word-for-word and regurgitated them on tests. I didn’t learn anything, but I got an A, and that was all that mattered. Needless to say, this pressure I felt has followed me throughout life. Afraid of my parents’ reactions to my shortcomings, I got straight A’s in school, went to West Point, graduated at the top of my class in Purdue, and continue to attempt to find ways to prove that I exceed expectations in all areas. Things that I haven’t excelled in, like running, I found other ways to prove myself. I’m slow and labored and I pretty much hate it…so, I ran two marathons. Now I can say, “I might suck at running, but I ran and finished two marathons, so there.” I basically punished myself for not being good at something.

I don’t want to put the same pressure on Kaelyn. I want her to be happy. But at the same time, I want to her to have limitless opportunities. If she wants to go to a particular college or accomplish any athletic, artistic or musical goal, I don’t want there to be barriers for her. Sure, she can work hard and do whatever she wants, but I also know that it’s not always realistic. I want her to be challenged, without having to experience much impossibility….even though I know that this isn’t realistic. I find myself projecting the pressure I felt as a child and as an adult on her. I worry about damaging her.

What is the source of all this? Well, it’s an impending Doctors’ appointment. Before Kaelyn was born, it never occurred to me that I would have a child that wasn’t academically and physically smart. I excelled academically and was average physically. Roger is extraordinarily smart, a really good athlete, and musically gifted. I naively and proudly believed (and still do) that our child would exhibit all our strengths and none of our weaknesses.

But, I had a difficult pregnancy and although it was a true miracle that I carried her as long as I did (especially when you couple the “high risk” with the fact that I continued to work on a construction site), she was still born prematurely. Drs and nurses alike told me to expect that she would hit milestones according to her adjusted age (based on her due date and not birth date). This made sense to me, but I thought, “It’s less than 6 weeks difference and considering her amazingly good health and the fact that I believe that she is smart…she will hit her milestones at her true age.”

Kaelyn has done extremely well and I’m proud to say that I haven’t worried about her development…up ‘til now. Because she was a preemie, she was automatically enrolled in a development clinic. This means that she will be tested to make sure she hits milestones as she is expected to. She will be “graded” at her adjusted age. The purpose of this clinic is to make sure that she has no “hidden” problems and to impose early intervention if she needs it. It’s a good thing because if she does need help, we have the opportunity to identify that very early and work with her, so these things won’t be a challenge for her later. Her first appointment is in just over a week. I believe that she will be required to go at least three times in her first three years of life…but, am hoping that we won’t need to be in the program past the first appointment.

The problem is that I’m afraid of what they will say about her. I don’t want to hear that she is behind. I don’t want to hear that she might need special help. I’m conflicted because on one hand, I understand that needing help does not translate into a lifetime of being “different” or reduced opportunities…it doesn’t mean that there is anything “wrong” with her, it doesn’t limit her future, and it doesn’t say anything about me or our family. Yet, I feel the pressure. I have fruitlessly tried to find out what will be expected of her at this appointment. I am now reading about milestones. I started worrying that although she sits up, scoots, rolls over, babbles, even says “da-da”, she’s not crawling or pulling herself up (either sitting or standing). She appears to be teething, but she has no teeth. She will turn 8 months old just a day before this appointment. I am now wondering “why isn’t she doing these things?” “What can I do to help her do these things sooner?”

I expressed these worries to Roger and he asked me a very pointed question. “Is this about you, or is it about her? Because she is just fine. She is alert, healthy, and happy. It’s bad enough that you do this to yourself. Don’t do it to her.”

And there’s the problem. I’m starting to do the very thing I resented my parents for to my daughter. I’m putting unrealistic pressure on her. I’m obsessed with her milestones and development. I worry that maybe she isn’t going to be as “talented” as Roger and I are. She is only 7 months old!!

So, now I wonder….how do I encourage her? How do I give her praise, give her confidence, make her believe that she can conquer the world if she chooses to? And how do I do all these things without making her feel like she can’t have areas where she’s not the best, that she won’t be able to do everything all the time and that it’s ok? How do I take the things that my parents did right and how they helped me believe I could be and do anything while not doing the damage of putting all this pressure on her? I don’t know…but I need to figure it out soon.

Still, I worry and wonder about this appointment. I pray that it goes well…this is not healthy thinking and it’s not good for Kaelyn.