Roger was pretty excited when I woke up Saturday morning and told him I wanted to make Seafood Paella for dinner. I could also sense his disappointment when he got out of bed and saw me scrubbing down the kitchen instead. I just can't cook in a dirty kitchen...actually, I can't cook in a kitchen that isn't spotless. It's not just the countertop and the stove and floors and obvious things. I scrubbed out the refrigerator, cleaned the vents above the microwave, the tile grout on the floor, pulled out the stove, etc.
I could hear Roger getting out of bed and knew that he would come in and tell me the kitchen was already clean. This is one of my neuroses that he just doesn't understand. He deals with it because he loves me, but his logic is, if it already looks clean and I'm going to dirty it up again, why not wait to until I'm finished cooking. The opperative word, though, is "looks". Looking clean and being clean are not the same. Things might look perfect on the surface, but take off that top layer and there's dirt, grime, germs.
I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Taking care of the inside and not just the outside. It's easy to focus on our outer selves. Shower, fix my hair, put on makeup...making myself look good on the outside, doesn't guarantee that I'm beautiful on the inside too. I can focus on these things, because they are simple. It takes no effort, no willpower, no real work.
I know someone who's struggling with addiction. He spent the better part of the year focusing on the wrong thing. The outside, the surface. He is frustrated because he doesn't understand why he can't get anywhere, why he fails. It's because he's focusing on the wrong thing. Why does he have the addiction? What is he making up for? What is he not addressing that will make him stop? Those are hard question. And the process of dealing with those emotions is tough. It's easier to ignore them, but leave them untouched and they will contaminate your soul like a dirty kitchen will contaminate your food.
Since Kaelyn's birth, I've been struggling with accepting my new body. I don't want to. I want it to go back to before I got pregnant. It won't. I have to accept that...but, I can still change it. Make it into something I'm not ashamed of. For a few months, it was easy for me to rationalize that I just had a baby. No one will look at me and see the disgusting person that I feel like on the inside. They will see a new mom and they will understand. I've been trying to eat well, exercise, but for the most part, I've been unmotivated to really make a change. I can't go back to my old my diet and think I'm going to look the same. Things have changed and I need a new plan.
But, as I was scrubbing the kitchen floors, it occured to me that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I'm trying to get back my old body without changing my lifestyle too much. I don't want to give up the cooking...or at least the kind of cooking I've been doing...where I experiment with creating recipes and focus on making them taste as good as I can, without regard for how good the ingredients I put into them are for my body. Why? Is food, more specifically, creating good food a substitute for something? Is there something on the inside that is forcing this need on me? If I truly want to change my outside body, what should I focus on on the inside to make that happen? What is in there that is preventing me from getting the motivation I need to really make a change?
I don't know. But I will think about it and search for it and when I find it, I will address it. I will scrub it down and purify it like I do my kitchen.
We never got around to the paella. We ended up spending the day running around town shopping, then came home, tired and not at all hungry. I will still make the Paella, just later this week. The kitchen is already clean, so that's one thing down...
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Nothing Changes
Last night, Roger, Kaelyn and I met up with a friend of ours for a sushi dinner. I had been looking forward to this dinner since we had planned it a week earlier. Not just because I miss seeing Barbara at work everyday, although I do, not because I've always thoroughly enjoyed our conversations, which I do, but because I was getting to see her again for the first time since she almost lost her life. Coming so close to losing another friend, unexpectedly, touched me as deeply as the ones I've lost forever. The difference is, this time, I experienced the shock, the thumping of my heart as it fell into the pit of my stomach, the expulsion of all the air from my body, but when I started breathing again, she was actually still there. It wasn't over and everything was going to be ok.
I really wanted to know how her life has changed these last few months. Of course, I wanted to hear what happened from her perspective, but not so much for the gory details, as it was for the spiritual experience of it. What is it like, to think, for a moment, that life was over? What does it feel like? Did she know? And when she realized how close she came, did it change her view of life? We really didn't get that deep into the conversation. Instead, our conversations revolved around work-the company I used to work for, how things have changed (or not), how she's adjusting to being back after months of recovering from her injuries.
When I walked away from the meeting, I thought about how great it was to see her, talk to her, how after months of not being in contact, we were still the same friends, with the same conversations, as we always were. In other words, nothing changed. And it wasn't until I was on the way home that I truly thought about that. It's not really what I was expecting. I just can't pinpoint what it is I did expect.
I've never really had to deal with my own mortality. I've unfortunately, experienced the death of too many friends and family members. I've experienced the shock of how everything can be perfectly ok one minute, and completely not the next. Yet, I never really had a moment where I had to deal with the fragility of my own life. Even deployments to war zones didn't bring that kind of danger to me. My brain tumor was benign and more of an annoyance than anything else. I was hit by car as a child, yet never was I in danger of having any serious, much less life-threatening side effects of that accident. I've never had a near-death experience and the closest I've ever come to contemplating the ending my life, is when I lose someone else.
It occurs to me that Barbara is able to slip back into her "normal" existence seamlessly, because she was already living her life to the fullest. She already loves wholeheartedly, shows her appreciation of others, surrounds people with her intoxicating and magnetic personality. She doesn't need to contemplate the meaning of her life, because she's already the perfect version of herself. It's pretty amazing to think, actually.
And so I think about my life...and Roger's...and Kaelyn's. Am I living to my fullest potential? I hope so. I work hard, I love harder, I have fun in the meantime. I've traveled the world, served in the armed forces, gotten a few degrees. I've seen and done so many things in my young life, that I'm perfectly content spending the rest of my thirties focusing on raising a child. I don't need to travel, run any more marathons, or achieve anymore goals for me alone. My focus can be my marriage to Roger and how we raise our daughter.
If tomorrow, it would all be over, I'm sure I'd be OK with it on some level. On another not so much. Because I'm living a great life right now. I don't want to miss seeing Kaelyn grow up. I want to grow old with Roger, have us become grandparents together, and retire as cranky old people that drive everyone around us crazy. My life is not complete, because I havent' completed it yet. Yet, I also don't have much to change. I'm doing what I need to be doing.
And so is Barbara. I'm happy she's here...because I love her, too.
I really wanted to know how her life has changed these last few months. Of course, I wanted to hear what happened from her perspective, but not so much for the gory details, as it was for the spiritual experience of it. What is it like, to think, for a moment, that life was over? What does it feel like? Did she know? And when she realized how close she came, did it change her view of life? We really didn't get that deep into the conversation. Instead, our conversations revolved around work-the company I used to work for, how things have changed (or not), how she's adjusting to being back after months of recovering from her injuries.
When I walked away from the meeting, I thought about how great it was to see her, talk to her, how after months of not being in contact, we were still the same friends, with the same conversations, as we always were. In other words, nothing changed. And it wasn't until I was on the way home that I truly thought about that. It's not really what I was expecting. I just can't pinpoint what it is I did expect.
I've never really had to deal with my own mortality. I've unfortunately, experienced the death of too many friends and family members. I've experienced the shock of how everything can be perfectly ok one minute, and completely not the next. Yet, I never really had a moment where I had to deal with the fragility of my own life. Even deployments to war zones didn't bring that kind of danger to me. My brain tumor was benign and more of an annoyance than anything else. I was hit by car as a child, yet never was I in danger of having any serious, much less life-threatening side effects of that accident. I've never had a near-death experience and the closest I've ever come to contemplating the ending my life, is when I lose someone else.
It occurs to me that Barbara is able to slip back into her "normal" existence seamlessly, because she was already living her life to the fullest. She already loves wholeheartedly, shows her appreciation of others, surrounds people with her intoxicating and magnetic personality. She doesn't need to contemplate the meaning of her life, because she's already the perfect version of herself. It's pretty amazing to think, actually.
And so I think about my life...and Roger's...and Kaelyn's. Am I living to my fullest potential? I hope so. I work hard, I love harder, I have fun in the meantime. I've traveled the world, served in the armed forces, gotten a few degrees. I've seen and done so many things in my young life, that I'm perfectly content spending the rest of my thirties focusing on raising a child. I don't need to travel, run any more marathons, or achieve anymore goals for me alone. My focus can be my marriage to Roger and how we raise our daughter.
If tomorrow, it would all be over, I'm sure I'd be OK with it on some level. On another not so much. Because I'm living a great life right now. I don't want to miss seeing Kaelyn grow up. I want to grow old with Roger, have us become grandparents together, and retire as cranky old people that drive everyone around us crazy. My life is not complete, because I havent' completed it yet. Yet, I also don't have much to change. I'm doing what I need to be doing.
And so is Barbara. I'm happy she's here...because I love her, too.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Quiet Weekend and Loads of Zucchini
Even though it was a short work week, it felt like it took years to get through. I don’t think I ever fully recovered from our long weekend and I think that must have been the case with everyone else last week. It seemed that we were all lethargic and pretty cranky. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this weekend and doing pretty much nothing. As a matter of fact, one of my major goals was to see if I could make it through Saturday without actually getting dressed.
Roger has been renovating the kitchen of our good friend’s parents. One of the perks of this particular job is we get fresh vegetables from her garden. Last week, Roger brought home two huge (I mean huge!) zucchinis and some tomatoes. I decided to make a spaghetti sauce with the tomatoes as well as some other fresh vegetables and herbs we had on hand. Once I had the sauce simmering, I turned my attention to making the spaghetti only to find out that we didn’t have enough all-purpose flour. So, in keeping with my daily goal of not getting dressed, I decided to try my hand at whole-wheat pasta. It came out and it tasted pretty good, but I have to say that from now on, if I’m going to go through the trouble of making pasta from scratch, it’s not going to be whole wheat. If I wanted the healthier, less refined pasta, I’d rather just buy it and skip the work of actually making it. We also had some ripe bananas that needed to be used (I hate wasting food) and since I had no flour to make banana bread, Roger got a banana cream pie for dessert instead (much to his delight).
I also used Saturday to cook some dishes to use up the zucchini. We had a stir fry, grilled zucchini, zucchini in our pasta sauce, and Moussaka (made with zucchini instead of eggplant). This got me through most of one (yes, it’s huge)zucchini. I plan on making some zucchini bread tonight, but I still have a lot of zucchini to get through and am running out of ideas…not to mention that we already have meals to last us for the next week, if not longer.
It was really hot this weekend, above 100 degrees on Sunday and neither Roger nor I felt motivated to spend any part of our days outside. Luckily, we get really good shade in the early evening when the sun starts to go down and our backyard becomes bearable about an hour earlier than our neighbors’. This allows us to still cook and eat dinner outside. And with Kaelyn being so messy, it’s nice to not have to worry about her getting food bits all over the kitchen. So, the only time we ventured out of the house was to eat and play with Kaelyn outside in the evening and on to night (our fireplace helps keep us warm if it gets too chilly). Other than that, we were content to lounge around all weekend doing a whole lot of nothing.
The week ahead looks a lot like last week, except that it seems that everyone is in a better mood. Hopefully, this means that Roger and I will have enough energy to go back to our regular weekends of doing something fun with friends.
Roger has been renovating the kitchen of our good friend’s parents. One of the perks of this particular job is we get fresh vegetables from her garden. Last week, Roger brought home two huge (I mean huge!) zucchinis and some tomatoes. I decided to make a spaghetti sauce with the tomatoes as well as some other fresh vegetables and herbs we had on hand. Once I had the sauce simmering, I turned my attention to making the spaghetti only to find out that we didn’t have enough all-purpose flour. So, in keeping with my daily goal of not getting dressed, I decided to try my hand at whole-wheat pasta. It came out and it tasted pretty good, but I have to say that from now on, if I’m going to go through the trouble of making pasta from scratch, it’s not going to be whole wheat. If I wanted the healthier, less refined pasta, I’d rather just buy it and skip the work of actually making it. We also had some ripe bananas that needed to be used (I hate wasting food) and since I had no flour to make banana bread, Roger got a banana cream pie for dessert instead (much to his delight).
I also used Saturday to cook some dishes to use up the zucchini. We had a stir fry, grilled zucchini, zucchini in our pasta sauce, and Moussaka (made with zucchini instead of eggplant). This got me through most of one (yes, it’s huge)zucchini. I plan on making some zucchini bread tonight, but I still have a lot of zucchini to get through and am running out of ideas…not to mention that we already have meals to last us for the next week, if not longer.
It was really hot this weekend, above 100 degrees on Sunday and neither Roger nor I felt motivated to spend any part of our days outside. Luckily, we get really good shade in the early evening when the sun starts to go down and our backyard becomes bearable about an hour earlier than our neighbors’. This allows us to still cook and eat dinner outside. And with Kaelyn being so messy, it’s nice to not have to worry about her getting food bits all over the kitchen. So, the only time we ventured out of the house was to eat and play with Kaelyn outside in the evening and on to night (our fireplace helps keep us warm if it gets too chilly). Other than that, we were content to lounge around all weekend doing a whole lot of nothing.
The week ahead looks a lot like last week, except that it seems that everyone is in a better mood. Hopefully, this means that Roger and I will have enough energy to go back to our regular weekends of doing something fun with friends.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Mirror Image
When I was pregnant with Kaelyn, I used to imagine what she might look like. I imagined a baby and a toddler, with my dark brown, curly hair, greenish eyes, and pale olive skin tone. Looking back, I never really envisioned many of Roger’s features when thinking about her. I always thought that my features were the dominant DNA. Of course, I hoped that she would have the easy time tanning that he does and be as adventurous as him. I wanted her to have his generally friendly and outgoing personality. His musical and athletic ability. But, the general looks, I admit, I thought would be mine.
But, there’s a funny thing about DNA….
Kaelyn looks nothing like me. Try as I might, I can’t find one single trait that she shares with me. Obvious things, like her red hair, big bright blue eyes, crazy long eyelashes, and cute dimple on her left cheek, don’t look like they come from either Roger or me. But everything else she gets from him. The pink undertone to her skin, her bubbly personality, the shape of her head, her nose…all the way down to her blood type. All him.
I find myself clinging to any reference someone might make that associates her features with mine. Someone once told me that she had my mouth and I was elated! My mouth!! I’ll take it. But, looking at my baby pictures, no, she doesn’t have my mouth at all. And when she smiles, it’s obvious. She has the exact same crooked smile as Roger. It even skews to the same side as his.
Right now, I’m desperate to find something about her that is like me. I’m watching her pick things up and how she manipulates them, hoping that maybe she inherited my left-handedness. (There’s no evidence either way). So far, the only things I’ve come up with: Her hair is starting to curl (Roger has straight hair) and her ears don’t stick out like Roger’s did when he was a baby. Yep, I’m down to this: her ears may look mostly like Roger’s, but they don’t stick out and neither do mine!
Kaelyn is beautiful. And I’m not just saying that because she’s my baby. She is truly stunning. I’ve never seen eyes as blue and piercing as hers. I’m assuming the same grandmothers that passed on her red hair are also responsible for her eyes and I’m so grateful that Roger and I had those grandmothers and those genes somewhere inside of us! I find it funny, then, that I sometimes wish she had features closer to mine. I’m nowhere near the beauty she is destined to become. I guess that there is some selfish part of me that wants a visual of my DNA. Kaelyn is the perfect combination of what Roger and I put together can be…and I’m impressed! I guess there’s that animalistic instinct that I needed to reproduce to ensure the survival of my DNA and I suppose that I just wants to be able to see it.
All that being said, I wouldn’t change her looks for anything. A friend once told me that as she ages, she may start to look more like me and my first thought was, “Oh I hope not! She’s so beautiful, turning into me would be a major downgrade for her.” I might not look in the mirror and see my daughter staring back at me, but her features did come from me somewhere. That hair and those eyes are DNA that both Roger and I passed on to her. How unlucky for us that our looks don’t reflect those good genes, but how lucky is Kaelyn that hers does!
There’s no real purpose to this post. Just some thoughts I have every time I look at Kae or explain where her red hair and blue eyes came from.
We got the results of her head ultrasound Monday night. She’s perfectly fine!
But, there’s a funny thing about DNA….
Kaelyn looks nothing like me. Try as I might, I can’t find one single trait that she shares with me. Obvious things, like her red hair, big bright blue eyes, crazy long eyelashes, and cute dimple on her left cheek, don’t look like they come from either Roger or me. But everything else she gets from him. The pink undertone to her skin, her bubbly personality, the shape of her head, her nose…all the way down to her blood type. All him.
I find myself clinging to any reference someone might make that associates her features with mine. Someone once told me that she had my mouth and I was elated! My mouth!! I’ll take it. But, looking at my baby pictures, no, she doesn’t have my mouth at all. And when she smiles, it’s obvious. She has the exact same crooked smile as Roger. It even skews to the same side as his.
Right now, I’m desperate to find something about her that is like me. I’m watching her pick things up and how she manipulates them, hoping that maybe she inherited my left-handedness. (There’s no evidence either way). So far, the only things I’ve come up with: Her hair is starting to curl (Roger has straight hair) and her ears don’t stick out like Roger’s did when he was a baby. Yep, I’m down to this: her ears may look mostly like Roger’s, but they don’t stick out and neither do mine!
Kaelyn is beautiful. And I’m not just saying that because she’s my baby. She is truly stunning. I’ve never seen eyes as blue and piercing as hers. I’m assuming the same grandmothers that passed on her red hair are also responsible for her eyes and I’m so grateful that Roger and I had those grandmothers and those genes somewhere inside of us! I find it funny, then, that I sometimes wish she had features closer to mine. I’m nowhere near the beauty she is destined to become. I guess that there is some selfish part of me that wants a visual of my DNA. Kaelyn is the perfect combination of what Roger and I put together can be…and I’m impressed! I guess there’s that animalistic instinct that I needed to reproduce to ensure the survival of my DNA and I suppose that I just wants to be able to see it.
All that being said, I wouldn’t change her looks for anything. A friend once told me that as she ages, she may start to look more like me and my first thought was, “Oh I hope not! She’s so beautiful, turning into me would be a major downgrade for her.” I might not look in the mirror and see my daughter staring back at me, but her features did come from me somewhere. That hair and those eyes are DNA that both Roger and I passed on to her. How unlucky for us that our looks don’t reflect those good genes, but how lucky is Kaelyn that hers does!
There’s no real purpose to this post. Just some thoughts I have every time I look at Kae or explain where her red hair and blue eyes came from.
We got the results of her head ultrasound Monday night. She’s perfectly fine!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
4th of July Weekend
I can't believe how fast this year is going. It's already July and we already had our annual 4th of July party. It's crazy. I got to start the weekend a little early on Friday due to the long weekend. I met up with Roger and Kaelyn at our friend's house, where Roger is renovating the kitchen and Kaelyn got to go for her first swim. I wasn't sure how she'd handle it because, truthfully, she's not that into her baths. She doesn't seem scared of the water, but no matter how many toys I give her or how fun I try to make it, she's always just OK with bathtime. Friday was different. I don't know if it was the actual swimming or the attention she got from all the kids, but she had a blast. Laughing and splashing, she looked right at home in her little floatie. We'll definitely have to do that again.
We didn't do that much on Saturday. I cleaned the house and Roger worked outside. I'm glad for the day of quiet, because the rest of the weekend was anything but. Our 4th of July party is one of my favorites that we do, but it is also exhausting. Roger loves fireworks and we go all out with getting as much as we can. The show he puts on in our neighborhood rivals what the City does in the local parks and normally, our neighbors all just end up coming to our yard to watch him go (or just look from their windows). Before all that though, is the BBQ, where once again, Roger goes all out. Tri-tip and brisket, corn on the cob so sweet, no butter or salt is needed, potato salad (my creation) and so many delicious desserts brought over by our friends.
This year, we also had friends visit with an 11 month old girl, Katie. Katie and Kaelyn really had fun together. I was apprehensive about how they would handle the fireworks and as much as I'd love to say that they were thrilled with the show, I can't. Neither one of them made it. Playing together and getting all the attention from their adoring fans just wore them out completely. Katie went home before the show and Kaelyn went to bed. She was so sound asleep that the noise didn't even stir her.
After the fireworks, we had a jam session with Roger and our friend Mark. They sounded really good together and we made the decision that we'll actually hold these regularly. By the time everyone left and we cleaned up, it was close to 2am. Roger and I went to bed exhausted.
Monday was even more tiring for us. We got up early and met with friends to go to Great Adventure. Kaelyn was happy to be there with all the bright colors and music. Since we had plenty of people with us, we were all able to take turns staying with Kaelyn while we rode the roller coasters. We saw the whale show, visited sharks (Kaelyn's favorite) and toured the butterfly house (her second favorite). We didn't leave until 8pm, and by the time we stopped for dinner, dropped everyone off at home and got home ourselves, it was after midnight. Kaelyn had already been out for hours and I'm surprised I even made it to bed before I passed out.
This morning, I'm feeling the after effects of a jam packed weekend. Kaelyn's ultrasound is this morning. I hope that they can see everything they need with the ultrasound alone and I really hope it shows nothing. I'm pretty sure that she is OK after speaking with several people and doing my own research, but I won't feel completely better until we have the results.
We didn't do that much on Saturday. I cleaned the house and Roger worked outside. I'm glad for the day of quiet, because the rest of the weekend was anything but. Our 4th of July party is one of my favorites that we do, but it is also exhausting. Roger loves fireworks and we go all out with getting as much as we can. The show he puts on in our neighborhood rivals what the City does in the local parks and normally, our neighbors all just end up coming to our yard to watch him go (or just look from their windows). Before all that though, is the BBQ, where once again, Roger goes all out. Tri-tip and brisket, corn on the cob so sweet, no butter or salt is needed, potato salad (my creation) and so many delicious desserts brought over by our friends.
This year, we also had friends visit with an 11 month old girl, Katie. Katie and Kaelyn really had fun together. I was apprehensive about how they would handle the fireworks and as much as I'd love to say that they were thrilled with the show, I can't. Neither one of them made it. Playing together and getting all the attention from their adoring fans just wore them out completely. Katie went home before the show and Kaelyn went to bed. She was so sound asleep that the noise didn't even stir her.
After the fireworks, we had a jam session with Roger and our friend Mark. They sounded really good together and we made the decision that we'll actually hold these regularly. By the time everyone left and we cleaned up, it was close to 2am. Roger and I went to bed exhausted.
Monday was even more tiring for us. We got up early and met with friends to go to Great Adventure. Kaelyn was happy to be there with all the bright colors and music. Since we had plenty of people with us, we were all able to take turns staying with Kaelyn while we rode the roller coasters. We saw the whale show, visited sharks (Kaelyn's favorite) and toured the butterfly house (her second favorite). We didn't leave until 8pm, and by the time we stopped for dinner, dropped everyone off at home and got home ourselves, it was after midnight. Kaelyn had already been out for hours and I'm surprised I even made it to bed before I passed out.
This morning, I'm feeling the after effects of a jam packed weekend. Kaelyn's ultrasound is this morning. I hope that they can see everything they need with the ultrasound alone and I really hope it shows nothing. I'm pretty sure that she is OK after speaking with several people and doing my own research, but I won't feel completely better until we have the results.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sonoma Day Trip
This weekend, we took a day trip to Sonoma. I’ve always preferred Sonoma to Napa for a few reasons. One, I’m not a huge wine drinker. I’m allergic to all red wines, can’t drink too much white wine without getting a headache, and prefer shopping to wine tasting any day. Sonoma, though much smaller, has much more appeal to me. It’s nice that we can drive to the town square, park (free) and spend the majority of the day doing just about everything we’d like (eat, shop, wine tasting, etc). If we want to visit other wineries, there are some beautiful places not too far from the square (as opposed to driving between all wineries, all day, in Napa).
Saturday, we didn’t stray at all from our normal routine. We arrived in Sonoma just before lunch, parked, and immediately went to the Cheese Factory. There, we bought several cheeses, crackers, salami, and olives, a couple of drinks and headed across the street for a picnic. Kaelyn had a wonderful time playing and rolling around the grass and we got some lovely pictures of her.
After lunch, we went to a couple of our favorite antique shops around the square as well as the kitchen store. I could spend hours in these places. One of the antique stores had some beautiful old doors from Northern China. …about 250 years old…that had been converted into free standing partitions. I immediately fell in love with them. I have been looking for a way to visually delineate my dining room and living room and these are perfect. To make it even better, my dining room chairs are also antiques from the same era and region of Northern China. The table, though new, was made to match the chairs and these partitions are similar in style and carvings…the stain is different, but the wood is the same (Elm). I couldn’t believe that we found something that will work so well! Of course, they were much more than we really wanted to spend, but after some discussion and going home to measure, we decided to buy them. I can’t wait until they arrive!
After shopping, we visited some small wine tasting rooms and then decided to drive out of the square to the Olive Press. The Olive Press is similar to a winery (actually located within a winery), but instead of wine, they make olive oil. I wanted to get a couple of bottles of my favorites and see if they had anything new we could try (they didn’t). The Olive Press is another reason why I prefer Sonoma to Napa!
We got home around 5pm, a little tired, but totally revved up. Roger bbq’d dinner and we relaxed the rest of the evening…staying up until around 2am for some reason.
Sunday was hot…well into the 100’s to 110’s and over. I love this heat. Much better than the cold spring we just had. But it was so hot, that none of us really wanted to spend any time outside. Normally, I can handle the hot weather if I have an ice cold drink and sit in the shade, but yesterday, I resigned myself to spending the day inside. We pretty much relaxed…Kaelyn has some new tricks now that she stands and I spent a good part of the day doing some research of symptoms for fluid on the brain. Kaelyn has none of these. Another call to the doctor to get some questions answered and I’m now convinced that this referral is just precautionary protocol (I both love and hate the hospital for this policy. Good on one hand to catch things early, bad for the amount of needless worrying they put me through). Although I won’t relax completely until after her appointment, I feel much better and am (almost) convinced that she does not have fluid on her brain and is just a big-headed baby!
Saturday, we didn’t stray at all from our normal routine. We arrived in Sonoma just before lunch, parked, and immediately went to the Cheese Factory. There, we bought several cheeses, crackers, salami, and olives, a couple of drinks and headed across the street for a picnic. Kaelyn had a wonderful time playing and rolling around the grass and we got some lovely pictures of her.
After lunch, we went to a couple of our favorite antique shops around the square as well as the kitchen store. I could spend hours in these places. One of the antique stores had some beautiful old doors from Northern China. …about 250 years old…that had been converted into free standing partitions. I immediately fell in love with them. I have been looking for a way to visually delineate my dining room and living room and these are perfect. To make it even better, my dining room chairs are also antiques from the same era and region of Northern China. The table, though new, was made to match the chairs and these partitions are similar in style and carvings…the stain is different, but the wood is the same (Elm). I couldn’t believe that we found something that will work so well! Of course, they were much more than we really wanted to spend, but after some discussion and going home to measure, we decided to buy them. I can’t wait until they arrive!
After shopping, we visited some small wine tasting rooms and then decided to drive out of the square to the Olive Press. The Olive Press is similar to a winery (actually located within a winery), but instead of wine, they make olive oil. I wanted to get a couple of bottles of my favorites and see if they had anything new we could try (they didn’t). The Olive Press is another reason why I prefer Sonoma to Napa!
We got home around 5pm, a little tired, but totally revved up. Roger bbq’d dinner and we relaxed the rest of the evening…staying up until around 2am for some reason.
Sunday was hot…well into the 100’s to 110’s and over. I love this heat. Much better than the cold spring we just had. But it was so hot, that none of us really wanted to spend any time outside. Normally, I can handle the hot weather if I have an ice cold drink and sit in the shade, but yesterday, I resigned myself to spending the day inside. We pretty much relaxed…Kaelyn has some new tricks now that she stands and I spent a good part of the day doing some research of symptoms for fluid on the brain. Kaelyn has none of these. Another call to the doctor to get some questions answered and I’m now convinced that this referral is just precautionary protocol (I both love and hate the hospital for this policy. Good on one hand to catch things early, bad for the amount of needless worrying they put me through). Although I won’t relax completely until after her appointment, I feel much better and am (almost) convinced that she does not have fluid on her brain and is just a big-headed baby!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Stone Cold
Back in April, I had to take a class for work and one of the requirements was to complete a Strength Finders Test. I had never taken one of these before and although they say only take it when you have 45 minutes of uninterrupted time (yeah right), I took it at work, with a million interruptions and distractions. So, it didn't surprise me when I got my results and didn't 100% agree with them. Strength Finders likes to focus on your top 10 "talents" and some of mine were as expected....communication, #1 analytical thinking #6, responsibility #4. But others surprised me. Most notably was harmony #2 and interprative #3....these two things are representative of someone who avoids conflict and likes clutter. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I embrace conflict and hate hate hate clutter!
The test came with some interpreters to help us see that their assessment was truly representative of us. In the end, they decided that although I don't fear conflict and definitely don't go out of my way to avoid it, I do work hard to resolve it and use it to everyone's benefit. This is because I'm a Libra, but I don't want to mix my philosophies. As for the clutter...they couldn't come up with anything good other than I must be a closet slob...nope! In the end, they latched on to the fact that I save every single one of my emails and file them and that is why I scored high...interestingly, not a single question on the test had anything to do with electronically filing and I regularly clean out my inbox because I hate having more than 10 messages not filed at the end of the work day...I know, anal.
What was the most shocking to me though, was my weakness...out of 30 "talents" my #30 was empathy. I'm embarrassed about that and have been thinking about it a lot in the last few months. There are quite a few people out there that will say that I'm cold, private, and unsympathetic to the woes of this world. That's not entirely true, but I do have to give credit where credit is due. I took this test with work in mind and it's true, then when I'm at work, I am not who I am at home. I can't be. At work, I have one mission and one goal and that is to get the job done. Period. If I am at work, then that is my focus. And I expect that everyone else at work is prepared to let go of their personal life for 8 hours and focus on getting the job done, getting paid, and moving on to the next thing. I don't ask others a lot of questions about what happens outside of work. I am private when it comes to my private life. Work is my public life. It's different. I don't like to make friends at work, even though I like pretty much everyone there. Although there are a few exceptions of people I just really really enjoy being around, I tend to gravitate away from my career field when making my true friends. I love that separation. I need it. I'm so good at separating these two things that I could reprimand someone at work, threaten to fire them if they don't start producing more, and refuse to listen to any excuses of why they aren't performing and ten minutes later, after work, send them an anonymous donation of $200 because I know they are paying their mother's medical bills (I've done this.) While some would say it's a contradiciton, I say it's a necessary separation. It's how I operate.
Back to empathy. Outside of work, it's totally different. Anyone, friend or not, could tell me their troubles and it will literally hurt my heart. I will do anything I can to help them. "It's not my problem" is my matra at work, but those words don't exist in my personal life. There are people in my life that just can't imagine that I can be cold and uncaring, mean, yelling, anything negative. There are other people in my life that think my heart is made of coal.
The one area where I am totally weak...where I have no control over my emotions, where I will destroy myself before I let anything happen to her...my daughter. Yesterday was her 9 month well-baby check up. Roger took her. I got the usual report, she's catching up in weight and height. She's healthy. Any concerns about her delays in gross motor skills are now gone that she is regularly standing on her own. But, there is something else....she has a large head. I have always known this. It was never a concern before. She's a preemie...she's developing her brain first, Roger has a big head. She looks proportional, everything is fine. Excpet that yesterday the doctor decided to recommend an ultrasound, just to take a look and see if her head growth is normal for her or if there's something else. That something else...fluid on the brain. I had to pry that out of them. They didn't want to tell me. Because, she has no other symptoms. She's developing normally, she's happy, she's growing and thriving and there's no bulge on her soft spot which is a big indication of fluid. But, why not be sure? I know. Nothing to worry about at the moment. But me? The possibility of something hurting her is too much for me to take. It breaks me. Literally. If anything is really wrong, it will destroy me. Am I overreacting? Probably. But I can't help it. I'm that entwined in her.
And so I pray. I will do anything and promise anything to have her life be free of challenges. For to be has healthy as she seems to be now. I am nothing but the person that God has chosen to care for her. And I care more than I could ever imagine.
We are going to Sonoma today. I will do my best of focus on what we know...we have a healthy and happy baby. She is going to be fine. Still, I pray.
The test came with some interpreters to help us see that their assessment was truly representative of us. In the end, they decided that although I don't fear conflict and definitely don't go out of my way to avoid it, I do work hard to resolve it and use it to everyone's benefit. This is because I'm a Libra, but I don't want to mix my philosophies. As for the clutter...they couldn't come up with anything good other than I must be a closet slob...nope! In the end, they latched on to the fact that I save every single one of my emails and file them and that is why I scored high...interestingly, not a single question on the test had anything to do with electronically filing and I regularly clean out my inbox because I hate having more than 10 messages not filed at the end of the work day...I know, anal.
What was the most shocking to me though, was my weakness...out of 30 "talents" my #30 was empathy. I'm embarrassed about that and have been thinking about it a lot in the last few months. There are quite a few people out there that will say that I'm cold, private, and unsympathetic to the woes of this world. That's not entirely true, but I do have to give credit where credit is due. I took this test with work in mind and it's true, then when I'm at work, I am not who I am at home. I can't be. At work, I have one mission and one goal and that is to get the job done. Period. If I am at work, then that is my focus. And I expect that everyone else at work is prepared to let go of their personal life for 8 hours and focus on getting the job done, getting paid, and moving on to the next thing. I don't ask others a lot of questions about what happens outside of work. I am private when it comes to my private life. Work is my public life. It's different. I don't like to make friends at work, even though I like pretty much everyone there. Although there are a few exceptions of people I just really really enjoy being around, I tend to gravitate away from my career field when making my true friends. I love that separation. I need it. I'm so good at separating these two things that I could reprimand someone at work, threaten to fire them if they don't start producing more, and refuse to listen to any excuses of why they aren't performing and ten minutes later, after work, send them an anonymous donation of $200 because I know they are paying their mother's medical bills (I've done this.) While some would say it's a contradiciton, I say it's a necessary separation. It's how I operate.
Back to empathy. Outside of work, it's totally different. Anyone, friend or not, could tell me their troubles and it will literally hurt my heart. I will do anything I can to help them. "It's not my problem" is my matra at work, but those words don't exist in my personal life. There are people in my life that just can't imagine that I can be cold and uncaring, mean, yelling, anything negative. There are other people in my life that think my heart is made of coal.
The one area where I am totally weak...where I have no control over my emotions, where I will destroy myself before I let anything happen to her...my daughter. Yesterday was her 9 month well-baby check up. Roger took her. I got the usual report, she's catching up in weight and height. She's healthy. Any concerns about her delays in gross motor skills are now gone that she is regularly standing on her own. But, there is something else....she has a large head. I have always known this. It was never a concern before. She's a preemie...she's developing her brain first, Roger has a big head. She looks proportional, everything is fine. Excpet that yesterday the doctor decided to recommend an ultrasound, just to take a look and see if her head growth is normal for her or if there's something else. That something else...fluid on the brain. I had to pry that out of them. They didn't want to tell me. Because, she has no other symptoms. She's developing normally, she's happy, she's growing and thriving and there's no bulge on her soft spot which is a big indication of fluid. But, why not be sure? I know. Nothing to worry about at the moment. But me? The possibility of something hurting her is too much for me to take. It breaks me. Literally. If anything is really wrong, it will destroy me. Am I overreacting? Probably. But I can't help it. I'm that entwined in her.
And so I pray. I will do anything and promise anything to have her life be free of challenges. For to be has healthy as she seems to be now. I am nothing but the person that God has chosen to care for her. And I care more than I could ever imagine.
We are going to Sonoma today. I will do my best of focus on what we know...we have a healthy and happy baby. She is going to be fine. Still, I pray.
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