Back in April, I had to take a class for work and one of the requirements was to complete a Strength Finders Test. I had never taken one of these before and although they say only take it when you have 45 minutes of uninterrupted time (yeah right), I took it at work, with a million interruptions and distractions. So, it didn't surprise me when I got my results and didn't 100% agree with them. Strength Finders likes to focus on your top 10 "talents" and some of mine were as expected....communication, #1 analytical thinking #6, responsibility #4. But others surprised me. Most notably was harmony #2 and interprative #3....these two things are representative of someone who avoids conflict and likes clutter. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I embrace conflict and hate hate hate clutter!
The test came with some interpreters to help us see that their assessment was truly representative of us. In the end, they decided that although I don't fear conflict and definitely don't go out of my way to avoid it, I do work hard to resolve it and use it to everyone's benefit. This is because I'm a Libra, but I don't want to mix my philosophies. As for the clutter...they couldn't come up with anything good other than I must be a closet slob...nope! In the end, they latched on to the fact that I save every single one of my emails and file them and that is why I scored high...interestingly, not a single question on the test had anything to do with electronically filing and I regularly clean out my inbox because I hate having more than 10 messages not filed at the end of the work day...I know, anal.
What was the most shocking to me though, was my weakness...out of 30 "talents" my #30 was empathy. I'm embarrassed about that and have been thinking about it a lot in the last few months. There are quite a few people out there that will say that I'm cold, private, and unsympathetic to the woes of this world. That's not entirely true, but I do have to give credit where credit is due. I took this test with work in mind and it's true, then when I'm at work, I am not who I am at home. I can't be. At work, I have one mission and one goal and that is to get the job done. Period. If I am at work, then that is my focus. And I expect that everyone else at work is prepared to let go of their personal life for 8 hours and focus on getting the job done, getting paid, and moving on to the next thing. I don't ask others a lot of questions about what happens outside of work. I am private when it comes to my private life. Work is my public life. It's different. I don't like to make friends at work, even though I like pretty much everyone there. Although there are a few exceptions of people I just really really enjoy being around, I tend to gravitate away from my career field when making my true friends. I love that separation. I need it. I'm so good at separating these two things that I could reprimand someone at work, threaten to fire them if they don't start producing more, and refuse to listen to any excuses of why they aren't performing and ten minutes later, after work, send them an anonymous donation of $200 because I know they are paying their mother's medical bills (I've done this.) While some would say it's a contradiciton, I say it's a necessary separation. It's how I operate.
Back to empathy. Outside of work, it's totally different. Anyone, friend or not, could tell me their troubles and it will literally hurt my heart. I will do anything I can to help them. "It's not my problem" is my matra at work, but those words don't exist in my personal life. There are people in my life that just can't imagine that I can be cold and uncaring, mean, yelling, anything negative. There are other people in my life that think my heart is made of coal.
The one area where I am totally weak...where I have no control over my emotions, where I will destroy myself before I let anything happen to her...my daughter. Yesterday was her 9 month well-baby check up. Roger took her. I got the usual report, she's catching up in weight and height. She's healthy. Any concerns about her delays in gross motor skills are now gone that she is regularly standing on her own. But, there is something else....she has a large head. I have always known this. It was never a concern before. She's a preemie...she's developing her brain first, Roger has a big head. She looks proportional, everything is fine. Excpet that yesterday the doctor decided to recommend an ultrasound, just to take a look and see if her head growth is normal for her or if there's something else. That something else...fluid on the brain. I had to pry that out of them. They didn't want to tell me. Because, she has no other symptoms. She's developing normally, she's happy, she's growing and thriving and there's no bulge on her soft spot which is a big indication of fluid. But, why not be sure? I know. Nothing to worry about at the moment. But me? The possibility of something hurting her is too much for me to take. It breaks me. Literally. If anything is really wrong, it will destroy me. Am I overreacting? Probably. But I can't help it. I'm that entwined in her.
And so I pray. I will do anything and promise anything to have her life be free of challenges. For to be has healthy as she seems to be now. I am nothing but the person that God has chosen to care for her. And I care more than I could ever imagine.
We are going to Sonoma today. I will do my best of focus on what we know...we have a healthy and happy baby. She is going to be fine. Still, I pray.
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