It's Enough

Friday night, three couples got together in our home for an evening of dinner, dessert and wine. The first, M and C have been married for a little over five years; both on their second marriage. The second, Roger and I, have been married for close to two years and of course have just added to our family with the birth of Kaelyn. Finally, the third, E and L...dating for two years, are engaged to be married in just a few months and want to have a family right away. We started the night as anyone would expect; appetizers, wine and conversations, sitting around our kitchen island as I finished up our dinner of leg of lamb (on the grill rotisserie) and orzo pasta. The conversation naturally went to the wedding planning. M and C eloped and Roger and I planned a relatively small and traditional wedding. E and L have large families and their wedding is going to be much bigger and grander in scale than the rest or ours. With such different approaches to our unions, it was hard for any of us to give solid advice…not that it’s needed. E is very organized and efficient. She has a solid handle on her wedding planning and I admire the grace and ease with which she finalizes her wedding details.


So, our next topic of conversation evolved. Melding lives. This, we all have in common. Three independent, strong women, marrying three independent, strong men. In all our cases, the men gave up their homes and moved into ours. In all our cases, we had a little bit of struggle with how that worked out. I remember Roger and me making the decision to live in my house. It’s what I wanted and it made the most economical sense. The first step was for us to decide which of his things to bring over and which of my things to get rid of. We both had a hard time with this. Roger had just bought his house a year before we got married. He bought new furniture and did a lot of work in that house. Giving any of it up was difficult for him. I brought all my stuff from overseas. I had unique pieces that I couldn’t just walk into a store and replace. I couldn’t fathom that any of it would or could go away. And considering that we both had an entire three bedroom house of stuff, sorting it all out took a lot of time.

I remember, needing to do something, deciding that I would go ahead and do things that I knew had to be done…including cleaning out the closets to make room for Roger’s clothes and whatever else he decided to bring over. My friend, Stacy, actually came to Sacramento from LA to give me “emotional support” as I went through this process. In the end, it ended up being much easier than I anticipated. This is what love did to me. And I had the motivation after that, to go through the garage and the rest of the house and see what I really could live without. I also gave Roger a room to himself. One where he could do whatever he wanted. Where I had no say. He chose the garage. I was relieved. As I recounted this to M and E, they both laughed. E and L are going through the very same thing right now and M said that she had the same trouble when C was moving in with her. But M said something very profound. “You gave up closet space and the garage, but he gave up his entire house and most of his things.” It’s humbling to think of how selfish I was back then. I was struggling so much with changing my house, when Roger was giving up everything…for me. I like to think I would have done the same thing for him, but the truth is I didn’t have to.

M wanted to talk to E about marriage. What is good and what is challenging. She has seen the ugly, struggled with divorce. She has seen the healing and recovery in being in a good, healthy, solid relationship. She was eager to share her lessons learned. I, on the other hand, hesitated with this. I’m not quick to give advice on relationships…especially when unsolicited. Plus, I admit, I don’t know a lot about making a relationship work. Roger and I are still pretty much newlyweds and we’ve gone through a lot of change in our first couple of years of marriage…the birth of our daughter, the changing of jobs and career paths, adjustment issues we didn’t anticipate we’d have. I felt, at that moment, so ill-equipped to tell anyone what marriage was going to be like, what to do, what to accept, what to stand up for. I took a back seat as M recounted her own struggles with her past marriage and how she had to let go of that and realize that her perception of things had nothing to do with C. E also recounted how she had to communicate to L what she needed and understand what he needed and how their method of dealing with problems differed. I listened as both of these women talked about how hard it was for them to accept some things about their partners. I felt better in realizing that everyone has adjustment issues, especially when those people are used to doing things their way all the time.

I found myself telling them that two people could not be more different than Roger and I. We are the classic case of how polar opposites attract. I heard myself saying things like “Despite how much I admire him, I often wonder why I ever thought that I could live with him.” I couldn’t believe that I was saying these words. That flowing from my mouth, were words that admitted that I was weak and unsure. And then I said the most shocking thing of all…that evidence of Roger’s greatness and of his love for me was everywhere. I’m hard to live with. I’m difficult and complicated…yet, he loves me. I pointed to the outdoor fireplace we were sitting around and said that Roger built that for me. Pointed out how most of things in our house were chosen by me. Recounted the little ways that he surprises me…with notes, flowers, breakfast in bed, and new tires for my car. How even though he didn’t understand why, he decorated a nursery for a baby that would never remember what it looked like. And how, over and over again, he accepts my friends, hangs out with them, entertains them and does so much work so that I can spend time with them. I turned to E and told her that it’s amazing to see how someone like me, who is stubborn and selfish, could find someone that would love her with his whole heart. Roger may struggle with putting his thoughts and worries into words, he may not put his socks and shoes away or empty the dishwasher when I want him to, but he loves me. I don’t have to look far or think hard to find evidence of his love. I don’t deserve it. I told her that if, in times of unsurety, when she’s feeling insecure and vulnerable, if she can take a step back and examine the evidence of L’s love for her, she will realize that what matters most is already there. I believe the little things do matter…I just need to realize what those things are.

So, despite my best effort, I gave advice on love…but not to E and M…to myself. And I needed that pep talk. Roger loves me. I love him. It may not be everything, but it’s enough.