I was reading a blog today, and like it so often does, it sparked some deep thought and emotion within me. Normally, I just post on that blog with whatever comments or questions I have, but today, my thoughts don’t have a lot to do with the post in particular…so, I’ll write them here.
This particular blog is mostly about adoption. Something I cannot relate to although I do try. It is written by someone I went to school with, who is both adopted and has adopted. A common theme is the idea of gratefulness. Should a child be grateful to adoptive parents? Should those parents expect that the child be grateful that they were adopted? Something I never really considered before is the horrible tragedy that has to occur before the “miracle” of adoption can begin. A family has to first be torn apart before a new one can be brought together. Abandonment, poverty, death, corruption…whatever it is, it has to happen first. And the child is the only innocent party. So, should a child that first had to endure such a tragedy be grateful for the opportunity of an alternate life? Most adoptees say no. And sometimes I think that this is unfair. True, the child is a victim of a system that didn’t work. A system, society, and/or family that failed them. Then, they become the answer to some other family’s problem of infertility, or the symbol of their desire to “do good.” I agree that a child should not be grateful for any of that. But, knowing that the tragedy happens. Knowing that it has happened…is it fair to say to the adopters that their child should not and cannot be grateful for the part where they do have a home and a family, when they could so easily not? Especially if that adopted family does recognize and attempt to address the tragedy and the emotions of the child that lived it, even if they can’t remember it? I know so many adoptive families, and the love is so raw and suffocating, it’s hard to put them in the same category as the system that first betrayed their child. I don’t really know the answer. And not knowing a thing about adoption, I have to look at it from the only perspective that I do have. Being a mother, and being a child.
Roger and I have considered adopting. It is not something that we are actively pursuing at the moment, but we have discussed and are willing to continue to discuss adopting a child in a few years. I would not expect that child to be grateful that we adopted him/her. It seems absurd. Of course, we would love that child whole heartedly. We would provide for, protect, and basically do anything for that child for the rest of our lives. But to expect gratefulness seems counterintuitive to what it means to be a parent. Being a parent is a choice for me. Something I wanted. Regardless of how a child comes into my life, it is I who is blessed to have them, not the other way around. I would not expect my daughter to be grateful because I gave birth to her. She is my savior. I am grateful for her.
I remember, growing up, several times when my own mother would tell me that I should be grateful to her. Or more, that I was being ungrateful. These statements were usually made in the wake of me not listening to her, not wanting to do my chores, or whining because she didn’t buy me something that I wanted. Back then, I would think “why should I be grateful?” I didn’t ask to be born. She wanted to be a mother and I was the result of that want. Now, I guess I feel much the same way. I wanted to be a mother. I had a child. It is my responsibility to teach her, protect her, and love her. She will rebel. She won’t always listen. Being a mother is hard work. I should never and would never tell her, in response to that, that she should be grateful that I wanted to be a mother. No, I am grateful that she was given to me. I am blessed by her.
But, even though I don’t think that my own mother should have attempted to make me feel guilty for acting like a child, should not have told me that I need to be grateful to her…the fact remains that I am very grateful to her…to both my parents. Both for what they did right and what they did wrong. Their mistakes helped shape me. And I can’t sit here, today, perfectly satisfied with who I am and what I’ve become without acknowledging that some of that stemmed from them making some mistakes in raising me. I’m grateful for my parents because, despite everything, they made choices that resulted in me. And once I had arrived, they loved me. We were not rich, but they worked hard to get me everything I needed (and even some things I wanted). Through that, they taught me the value of hard work and responsibility. They must have had some rough patches in their marriage…no couple is perfect…yet I am blissfully unaware of that. They protected me from whatever problems they may have had. They showed me what a strong marriage looks like. They taught me compromise. They made me into the person that wouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who treated me with kindness, respect, and love.
Mostly, though, I am astounded by the paradox of parenthood. Speaking from my own experience, the desire to be a mother was very selfish. I had a want (maybe instinct) to copy my DNA. To produce a miniature version of myself. I wanted to experience unconditional love, both on the giving and receiving end and I needed it to be instantaneous…unlike the love I have for Roger, which grew slowly, even if deliberately. Yet, from what was a very selfish want…all about me…came something that is just the opposite. Because from the moment that we created Kaelyn, it stopped being about me. Being a mother is the most unselfish thing I have ever had to do. Everything that I am and everything that I do, is about this child. My life is no longer about what I want or what is best for me. It’s about Kaelyn. I find it ironic that it took a very selfish act and desire to turn me into someone who loves and gives unconditionally.
I am grateful that my parents are part of that paradox. They could have continued to be selfish after my creation, but were not. They made their life about me and there’s no way I could fully see or appreciate that until I became a parent myself. Finally, I’m grateful for the grandparents that they are. Proud and doting. Giving and spoiling.
In conclusion, do I think parents should expect their children to be grateful? No. But, I do think that children can grow up and be grateful. If it’s so genuine that it’s given without expectation, then all the better!
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