Balancing the Scales

When I was a little girl, I remember my mother explaining the signs of the zodiac to me. Mine, Libra, meant that negotiation, compromise, and balance were my strong suits. And for the most part, this has proven to be true in my life.

As a project manager, this has made me very good at my job. I have the ability to recognize what, at a minimum, each party needs in order to move along and do their work. In any work related conflict, I can usually negotiate and propose solutions that will get the job moving and normally, I can work things out where we are all happier, more efficient, and therefore, more productive.

To this effect, I’ve always been rather proud of myself. But, in the last few years, after a lot of reflection, I’ve come to the realization that my work skills do not translate well into my personal life. When it comes right down to it, I am the way that I am, and I like it. Regardless of what anyone else might think of me, I just plain don’t want to change….except that I do. Now that I have a family of my own, a loving husband, and a beautiful daughter, I don’t want to treat them like a project I manage…I wouldn’t be able to do that anyway…at least not effectively.

I’ve realized that, like most people, my impartial view of the world can get very hazy when looking at it through the veil of my own emotions. And, because of that, my great ability to compromise is pretty much non-existent in my personal life. The problem is, I’ve always liked things a certain way. I’m “type-A” all the way. Before Roger and I got married and he moved in, I had a certain idea about how his stuff would integrate with mine. I expected that the house would stay the same level of clean and organized as it was when I was single…and when Roger had a different idea, I couldn’t see how his way could possibly be better than mine. And to make it worse, I will irrationally think that if he doesn’t do something my way, he’s purposely trying to upset me, or doesn’t care enough to try. This is ridiculous thinking, especially considering that those aren’t at all my thoughts when I don’t do things his way.

A small example is how we do laundry. I have three hampers and as clothes get dirty, I put them in the appropriate one (whites, colors, darks). On laundry day, I take one hamper to the laundry room and throw it all in. No sorting, no mistakes, not too much work. Roger, on the other hand, doesn’t see the importance of pre-sorting. His method is to throw his clothes into one hamper and on laundry day, sort and clean the clothes.

At work, I tell people that I won’t micromanage how they do their jobs…as long as, at the end of the day, the job is done right and it’s on time. This method works well and it does a lot for the sanity of all involved. So, why can’t I employ this method at home? Why can’t I tell Roger, that he can put the clothes in whatever hamper he wants as long as at the end the laundry is done correctly?

Don’t get me wrong…Roger and I don’t fight about these things. Our transition into married life and as parents has happened relatively smoothly. But, I’m realizing that the transition might have very little to do with me and everything to do with him. He would do anything to make me happy and small things, like the laundry, are little sacrifices he’s willing to make to show me he does care. And I want to do the same for him. I want to show him that because I love him, I won’t waste my time on these unimportant nuances. I’m lucky to have a husband that helps me clean, so when it’s my turn to do the laundry, if I have to take an extra two minutes to make sure that his red sweater doesn’t get mixed up in our white socks, then that’s what I’ll do…without complaint.

Roger and I have grown tremendously as a couple and even more so in the months since we’ve been blessed with Kaelyn’s arrival. As a person, though, I still have a lot of growing to do. Having someone to change for, makes the process a lot easier…and the fact that he has never asked me to change, makes it all the more necessary.