Between La La and Ya Ya

I am somewhere between La La and Ya Ya…..




Today I went to a change of command ceremony at work. It was held in the Sacramento Memorial Auditorium, which I have to say is a gorgeous building (built in 1927)! It’s the first one I’ve been to out of uniform. I found myself trying to remember the last one I attended. It had to have been in Japan and it was either my squadron commander’s or the wing commander’s ceremony. Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure it was the Wing Command. But, I can’t remember it. At all. This is probably because I was on my way out and didn’t care that much.

The whole thing was kind of surreal for me. It’s hard to describe exactly how or why. I did feel like I was balancing between two worlds. No, actually it was more like three. All my experiences with COC ceremonies are as a uniformed Air Force Officer. Going to one as a civilian, felt more like I was an intruder in a world I am no longer a part of. It’s a military ceremony and it seemed odd that I was one of a thousand civilian onlookers, instead of up front in uniform, standing at attention. The other odd feeling was that there was a lot of talk about West Point in the speeches…both outgoing and incoming. I went to West Point…I even lived in Bradley Barracks, which is the castle that is the symbol of the Corps of Engineers. But, I never served in the uniformed Army. Instead, I was commissioned in the Air Force. And even though I’m not the only former cadet that served in another branch of the military, and I’m currently employed by the Army, I still feel like an imposter. Like I don’t belong. I don’t feel like a true civilian, because too much of my soul is still in the military, yet I’m no longer serving my country as an active duty officer. I don’t feel like a West Point alum…because, well, I’m not really. I know the words to the Army song, know the history of West Point, and understand the traditions of this branch of the military, but I don’t belong…yet, I don’t not belong. I’m included as a veteran of the armed services. I’m given credit for getting into and attending one of the toughest schools (if not the toughest) in the world, yet I don’t feel like I should get credit for it.

I guess I’m split between military and civilian. Army and Air Force. West Point and Purdue. Completion of my duty and guilt for not continuing anyway. A part of all of them, yet not fully belonging to any one.

Roger has a friend, Steve, who is also a graduate of West Point…though he went well before I did. He is a member of the local West Point alumni club here in Sacramento. He has mentioned it to me several times and invited me to different events they have (about two a year). I’ve shied away from all of it, mostly for the reasons I’ve described above. This weekend, they are having a pool/house party and Roger wants to go. Steve emailed me the information. He told me I should sign up for their newsletter. I don’t want to go. But Roger does. This is my struggle. Do I explain my feelings to him and risk him telling me it doesn’t matter, or do I just be quiet and go because my husband wants to and I love him? I’ll probably just go. But I’m not that happy about it.

In other news, for the last two days Kaelyn has been saying something that sounds like a combination of “la la la” and “ya ya ya”. I always thought that “L” sounds were hard for babies and toddlers, which is why it surprises me that this sounds so much like an “L”. I’ve been trying to teach her how to say “Yia Yia”, which is the Greek word for Grandma…and this might just be her finally repeating what I’ve been chanting to her. Yet it’s definitely got an “L” quality to it. Anyway, these sounds are a lot like how I feel. Somewhere between “la la” and “ya ya”. A little bit of both, not entirely one.