This was my first Mothers’ Day and it was important for me to acknowledge it…but not necessarily for the reasons you’d think. When I was a child, my parents didn’t put a lot of emphasis on things like Valentine’s Day, Mothers’/Fathers’ Day, etc. We celebrated the major holidays and left the “hallmark” holidays alone. But I realized that these days were still important to my parents, or at least important to my mother. It’s just that I didn’t realize how important until I was old enough to pay attention to my intuition. As children, my brother and I depended heavily on our parents to remind us that a birthday or holiday was coming up and guide us into doing something “special”. My father never did this, so we never really did anything for my mom for either Mothers’ Day or her birthday. As an adult, this makes me sad. And while my mom was a little better at encouraging us to do things for our father, those days were still relatively unremarkable.
That being said, I never really cared about these holidays either. In my world, parents acknowledged kids’ birthday, but their own birthdays just went by the wayside. Today, it’s very difficult for me to plan ahead for birthdays and “hallmark” holidays because I wasn’t raised having to worry about them. Yet, I see people who remember and plan small, yet special gifts/events and I wish I were more like them. I try hard, but I still lack the forethought and often end up either scrambling to put something together at the last minute or forgetting all together. As a severely “Type A” personality, I don’t deal well with that kind of stress. I don’t want Kaelyn to be like me. I want her to be sensitive to what’s important to other people and I feel like Roger and I need to practice teaching her that now. So, I wanted Mothers’ Day to be acknowledged, not so much for me, but for her (although the me part was also nice). If Roger and I get in the habit of acknowledging these days, then Kaelyn will grow up to acknowledge them as well. It should be intuitive for her, what is so difficult for me.
Anyway…
Our weekend was really nice. Friday night, we met some friends, (friends we haven’t’ seen in a while) and spent the evening eating good food, drinking good wine, and laughing. We didn’t get home until after midnight and Roger had a contracting licensing class on Saturday. So poor him, for once, got up with me early in the morning. Since Roger was in class, Kaelyn and I spent the day shopping for a graduation gift for our friend’s daughter, whose graduation party we were attending that night. The late night, though, really wore on both of us and, cranky, we went home as soon as we could and took long naps. We woke up just before Roger got home from class. He was also exhausted, but unfortunately, we needed to get to our friend’s graduation party and didn’t have time to rest. Although Kaelyn was well behaved and did sleep at the party, we still came home late and exhausted. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for any of us to settle down and fall asleep for the night.
Sunday was Mothers’ Day and I woke up around 4:30 in the morning to discover that Roger was not in bed. I heard him rustling around in the house and contemplated getting up to see what he was doing. Luckily, I fell asleep again because I woke up the second time to find a pot of my favorite flowers, lilies, and a cute card from Kaelyn on my nightstand. I’m happy I didn’t ruin that surprise for him. We went out to my favorite restaurant for breakfast and then spent the afternoon playing with Kaelyn and cooking dinner and some other meals for the week.
I mentioned last week that the thing I enjoy the most about our “diet” is that we spend time cooking together. Because we are both so busy and want to make sure that we have good food to eat throughout the week, Sunday’s have turned into cooking days. We come up with menus together and then get creative in what we make. Last night Roger grilled some more chicken breasts (we use them as a base for other meals throughout the week) and a brisket…which incidentally kept him up for another long night. I concentrated on our immediate dinner which consisted of a lemony basil Orange Roughy, sweet peppers, and brown rice. As a treat, I made some stuffed mushrooms using left over chicken breast from earlier in the weekend. This week was more challenging for both of us as far as our eating. I took two day trips to Reno, which meant that I ate lunch out twice. Couple that with a dinner/wine event with friends, a graduation party, and a Mothers’ Day breakfast, and it’s a wonder we didn’t gain weight! I did, however, manage to lose another pound and a half and while nowhere near the progress I made last week, I’m still doing really well, so I’ll take it!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Mornings
Mornings are my favorite time of the day. Especially spring and summer mornings.
I love the crisp, slightly cool air as the sun is just beginning to rise. I love the quiet and the slow transition into the hustle and bustle of our normally very busy days. During the weekdays, our alarm goes off at 4:30 am. To me, this is not morning and if Kaelyn is not demanding her breakfast yet, I hit snooze for at least 30 minutes. Waking up slowly has always been my preference. There’s serenity in our morning routine. Roger and I don’t talk much. We just do. We get up and turn on the news. Roger heads to the coffee maker to get our morning jolt of caffeine ready. I sleepily prepare Kaelyn’s bottle, feed her and proceed to get showered and ready for work. Itty Bitty, our cat, is usually more awake. Mewing for attention or to be let out. By the time I’m out of the shower, I’m fully awake. Roger is usually back in bed, playing with Kaelyn, watching the news and drinking his coffee. I normally don’t have time to be envious that his days start later. After I leave for work, Roger lays Kaelyn down for her morning nap. This is when his mornings truly start.
The two block walk between the parking garage and the building I work in is heaven in the mornings. By 6:20 am the city is usually just waking up. There are few people walking on the streets. A few cars making their ways to wherever they go during the day. Mostly, I share this walk with birds and squirrels…a homeless person every now and then. I can see lights trickle on in the apartments I walk by. Alarm clocks just beginning to ring. I spend the short walking breathing in the air and thinking about my day. I always stop to realize that I have no idea what the day will actually bring. But mornings seem peaceful. Sometimes, they are the calm before the storm, sometimes they are just a wonderful start to a wonderful day. From my office, I have a great view of the city and normally for the first 15 minutes of work, I can continue to watch the day begin. By 7 am the streets are usually busy. The traffic is steady. The morning is in full swing.
Saturday mornings are my favorite. These mornings we usually don’t have to rush to get anywhere. We can stretch the time out into the afternoon if we want, because we are not bound by time. When we do have a schedule, it usually is because we have planned something fun that day. Saturday mornings are my reward for working hard all week. Even on the weekends, I get up early. Sleeping in to me is getting out of bed at 5:30 am. Kaelyn seems to sleep in on Saturday too….not waking until around 7. Roger gets up when Kaelyn does. For the hour and a half I have to myself in the mornings, I truly relax. I drink my coffee on our back patio with Itty Bitty at my side. It’s the only time of the week I have the ability to completely clear my head. It’s the only time I am truly calm. Sometimes, I read a book and sometimes I walk around our yard examining our plants and trees. Other times, I just sit and close my eyes and take deep breaths. Maybe this is my meditation.
When my family wakes up on Saturday the joy truly begins. We all pile on the bed while Kaelyn eats her breakfast. We talk about the weekend ahead. Laugh and joke. Marvel at the miracle that is our daughter. We are lazy and happy. Roger makes breakfast most Saturdays. Lately, we eat outside and I eat as slowly as I can so that I can postpone the real start to the day as long as possible. Roger inhales his food. We have the same conversation every week about why I’m picking at my breakfast. Of course I like it….yes, this is the only time I ever savor meals. It’s not the meal I really savor. It’s the moment. Finishing a late morning breakfast usually signals the end of my favorite morning of the week. I want to make it last. Stop time. I love mornings.
I love the crisp, slightly cool air as the sun is just beginning to rise. I love the quiet and the slow transition into the hustle and bustle of our normally very busy days. During the weekdays, our alarm goes off at 4:30 am. To me, this is not morning and if Kaelyn is not demanding her breakfast yet, I hit snooze for at least 30 minutes. Waking up slowly has always been my preference. There’s serenity in our morning routine. Roger and I don’t talk much. We just do. We get up and turn on the news. Roger heads to the coffee maker to get our morning jolt of caffeine ready. I sleepily prepare Kaelyn’s bottle, feed her and proceed to get showered and ready for work. Itty Bitty, our cat, is usually more awake. Mewing for attention or to be let out. By the time I’m out of the shower, I’m fully awake. Roger is usually back in bed, playing with Kaelyn, watching the news and drinking his coffee. I normally don’t have time to be envious that his days start later. After I leave for work, Roger lays Kaelyn down for her morning nap. This is when his mornings truly start.
The two block walk between the parking garage and the building I work in is heaven in the mornings. By 6:20 am the city is usually just waking up. There are few people walking on the streets. A few cars making their ways to wherever they go during the day. Mostly, I share this walk with birds and squirrels…a homeless person every now and then. I can see lights trickle on in the apartments I walk by. Alarm clocks just beginning to ring. I spend the short walking breathing in the air and thinking about my day. I always stop to realize that I have no idea what the day will actually bring. But mornings seem peaceful. Sometimes, they are the calm before the storm, sometimes they are just a wonderful start to a wonderful day. From my office, I have a great view of the city and normally for the first 15 minutes of work, I can continue to watch the day begin. By 7 am the streets are usually busy. The traffic is steady. The morning is in full swing.
Saturday mornings are my favorite. These mornings we usually don’t have to rush to get anywhere. We can stretch the time out into the afternoon if we want, because we are not bound by time. When we do have a schedule, it usually is because we have planned something fun that day. Saturday mornings are my reward for working hard all week. Even on the weekends, I get up early. Sleeping in to me is getting out of bed at 5:30 am. Kaelyn seems to sleep in on Saturday too….not waking until around 7. Roger gets up when Kaelyn does. For the hour and a half I have to myself in the mornings, I truly relax. I drink my coffee on our back patio with Itty Bitty at my side. It’s the only time of the week I have the ability to completely clear my head. It’s the only time I am truly calm. Sometimes, I read a book and sometimes I walk around our yard examining our plants and trees. Other times, I just sit and close my eyes and take deep breaths. Maybe this is my meditation.
When my family wakes up on Saturday the joy truly begins. We all pile on the bed while Kaelyn eats her breakfast. We talk about the weekend ahead. Laugh and joke. Marvel at the miracle that is our daughter. We are lazy and happy. Roger makes breakfast most Saturdays. Lately, we eat outside and I eat as slowly as I can so that I can postpone the real start to the day as long as possible. Roger inhales his food. We have the same conversation every week about why I’m picking at my breakfast. Of course I like it….yes, this is the only time I ever savor meals. It’s not the meal I really savor. It’s the moment. Finishing a late morning breakfast usually signals the end of my favorite morning of the week. I want to make it last. Stop time. I love mornings.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Week One
I’m feeling better after the weekend. Not that I think I’ll never be in a bad mood again…I will. Not that my anxiety, jealousy, selfishness is gone. It isn’t. But, nothing cures a horrible mood like a sunny weekend, relaxing with friends and family. Friday night and Saturday morning were spent taking care of the things I didn’t get done on Thursday. Roger drove me to work on Friday, so he could take my car to the shop for me. Then he escorted me to my eyebrow appointment. Even though, again, I was running late at work, he managed to get me there in time…early even! And once we got the car taken care of on Saturday, the rest of the weekend was dedicated to rest and relaxation.
Our good friend, Vickie, after some scary drama in her neighborhood, came to visit us on Saturday afternoon. We ate dinner, played with Kaelyn, relaxed in the backyard, and watched some tv. And the low-key laid back afternoon/evening was exactly what I needed to regenerate. Sunday was more of the same except without visitors. We slept in, ate a good breakfast, and enjoyed the good weather and sunshine. Kaelyn was especially jovial and entertained us with her game of monkey…in other words, we made a face or a gesture and she did her best to imitate us. Even when she couldn’t do it, our delight was enough to make her erupt in giggles. What a blessing our little girl is! After she went to bed, we still had some energy and the temperature outside was perfect for us to sit by the newly constructed outdoor fireplace and watch tv (Roger) and read a book (me) before going to bed and facing the week ahead.
We also completed our first week of the body makeover. So far, it hasn’t been that bad. Last Sunday I shopped for fresh fruits and vegetables and then Roger and I spent the afternoon trying out different recipes. Luckily, we both cook…because without some creativity the food on this “diet” can be very bland and boring. Mainly because of the restriction on sodium. But we worked around it and came up with some very good dishes. We did the same thing on Saturday while we were visiting with Vickie. So, if I can say anything about this experiment, is that for the first time, we’ve been cooking together. Most of the time, I don’t let Roger anywhere near the kitchen when I’m cooking and I stay far far away from his food when he’s cooking. Working together in the kitchen, going through cookbooks, making alterations, and coming up with our meals together, is really fun. And the fact that we can do it without biting each other’s heads off, says a lot about us! And the result? Down 6 lbs…not bad. It’s amazing the difference not retaining water can make. But, now that the water weight is gone…we’ll see how things progress from here. I’m feeling good and motivated. Hope this lasts!
Our good friend, Vickie, after some scary drama in her neighborhood, came to visit us on Saturday afternoon. We ate dinner, played with Kaelyn, relaxed in the backyard, and watched some tv. And the low-key laid back afternoon/evening was exactly what I needed to regenerate. Sunday was more of the same except without visitors. We slept in, ate a good breakfast, and enjoyed the good weather and sunshine. Kaelyn was especially jovial and entertained us with her game of monkey…in other words, we made a face or a gesture and she did her best to imitate us. Even when she couldn’t do it, our delight was enough to make her erupt in giggles. What a blessing our little girl is! After she went to bed, we still had some energy and the temperature outside was perfect for us to sit by the newly constructed outdoor fireplace and watch tv (Roger) and read a book (me) before going to bed and facing the week ahead.
We also completed our first week of the body makeover. So far, it hasn’t been that bad. Last Sunday I shopped for fresh fruits and vegetables and then Roger and I spent the afternoon trying out different recipes. Luckily, we both cook…because without some creativity the food on this “diet” can be very bland and boring. Mainly because of the restriction on sodium. But we worked around it and came up with some very good dishes. We did the same thing on Saturday while we were visiting with Vickie. So, if I can say anything about this experiment, is that for the first time, we’ve been cooking together. Most of the time, I don’t let Roger anywhere near the kitchen when I’m cooking and I stay far far away from his food when he’s cooking. Working together in the kitchen, going through cookbooks, making alterations, and coming up with our meals together, is really fun. And the fact that we can do it without biting each other’s heads off, says a lot about us! And the result? Down 6 lbs…not bad. It’s amazing the difference not retaining water can make. But, now that the water weight is gone…we’ll see how things progress from here. I’m feeling good and motivated. Hope this lasts!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Discovery
Yesterday I had a meltdown. Not that anything dire is going on in our lives. Not at all…so, the fact that I feel like a spoiled brat, just makes it worse. What happened? Well, not much really. I will write it here just so you can see how ridiculous it is.
I made an appointment for an eyebrow wax after work. This is a new place and a new person, and I was nervous about it. In order to make it on time, I needed to leave work at 3…which would be my normal time to get off anyway. But, after a day where I spent hand-holding and forcing people to do their jobs…a day where I had people report to my boss that things didn’t get done by my team, which wasn’t true (it was a matter of people not checking emails, voicemails, etc. I mean do they expect paperwork to walk up to them and verbally announce their presence? Perhaps with a marching band? Or maybe they should check their inbox, mailboxes and voicemails every so often and at least once before they claim that other people are doing their jobs…I digress)…after all that, I was just mentally exhausted. I spent two hours explaining what seemed like a simple concept to another engineer. I must have been doing something wrong, because he just didn’t get it. Couldn’t understand that what he did one way, and what another engineer did another way, led to the same correct answer…both using correct logic. Then, at three, I realized that even though I had asked someone to book a conference room for a meeting, and he promised me he would, it didn’t happen. So, I had to do it. I left work 15 minutes later than planned. Not a big deal really, but I missed my appointment time. I called ahead to let her know…this was not a good way to start a first appointment. She suggested I come in and she would see if she could squeeze me in. After almost an hour of waiting, it just didn’t happen. So, that caused me to miss meeting Roger to get my car fixed. I also, in my frustration, no longer wanted to meet him for dinner (we were going to go together, then changed the plans to meeting when I was running late).
I come home, hoping to cuddle with Kaelyn and let the day’s events go. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself out of my funk. We are still getting bills from Kaelyn’s NICU and PICU stays (10 days and 1 day respectfully). It’s frustrating that the hospital can’t seem to figure out how much a day’s stay costs and bill it all at once. Every time we think we’ve paid off what the insurance didn’t, another bill comes. I’ve spent hours on the phone with the hospital and insurance company trying to figure it out, to no avail. Last night, I said screw it and wrote a check for $2800 which I hope above all hopes is the end of it. So, I go to the mailbox, check the mail, and lo and behold there’s a statement of benefits from the insurance company. They say that $745 was billed by the doctor in March…that was her last well-baby checkup. There are 10 miscellaneous charges (conveniently described with codes so that I have no idea what they are really for). And the insurance covers none of it…so, two things: 1. Why in the world does a 10 minute well-baby check up result in 10 services adding up to $745? 2. Our insurance is supposed to cover well baby care 100%, so why suddenly are they not? Just another thing to add to my growing list of things to figure out and take care of.
So, what happened next, I’m not proud of. Roger told me the night before that he was going to check up on something yesterday. I asked him about it and he told me he didn’t get to it. I lost it. I actually had to excuse myself and go outside to cry it out. His lack of following through was not the biggest deal in the world. It wasn’t anything too important, but at that moment, I felt like, I couldn’t count on anyone to do what they commit do when they commit to doing it…and that it impedes on my ability to do things for myself…like get my eyebrows waxed (a want) and get the car fixed (a need). And the mere fact that at that moment, I was melting down, meant that I wasn’t being a good mother to Kaelyn. It made me feel hopeless. I also realized as I was outside crying, that I rescheduled the eyebrow appointment during the time that we were scheduled to meet our financial planner. It just felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. I couldn’t even eat the dinner that Roger prepared for me. I got sick to my stomach.
I tried to calmly explain to Roger how I was feeling, but my emotions got in the way. Since I’m too professional to have a melt down at work…to “proper” to do it at a spa…and never even had the opportunity to do it at the mechanic, I took it all out on my family. I blamed him for my rotten day. And writing it all out now, just makes me realize that what happened is not a big deal. I’ve had much worse days without the emotional meltdown I experienced yesterday. These are very happy times for us and I struggle with figuring out why I can’t relax and enjoy them.
Roger has lovingly and cautiously suggested that perhaps my extreme emotions are post partum symptoms. I have a hard time accepting that this is the case. I have always been relatively happy (even if sarcastic and realistic…which many people take the wrong way). Depression has never been something used to describe me. There have been a few times when unimaginable events have occurred in my life that could have caused depression…but, instead, what happened were sadness, anger, and acceptance/recovery. I have a hard time thinking that the best and happiest moment of my life, could cause me to spiral into extreme emotional imbalance. But, at the same time, I look at the last 7 months. Starting with the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Healthy. Happy. A great job opportunity for me and business prospect for Roger that will make us both happy and affords us the opportunity to financially provide for each other while spending the quality and quantity of time together that we desire. At a time when many people are struggling, we are holding up just fine. Yet, at the same time, Kaelyn’s birth caused me anger, hurt, and sadness, because she had to stay in the NICU for 10 days. Even though she was healthy, and I witnessed babies that were truly struggling for their lives and Kaelyn was not…she was coming home healthy, I still hated the fact that we were there. I still reacted as if she were struggling for her life and unrealistically imagined that we would never bring her home. Everyone told me that this was natural, healthy. And I accepted that it was. We brought her home on day 10 and my sadness was replaced by pure joy and exhaustion.
But since then, other strange (at least strange to me) emotions have crept up. I am jealous of my husband. I’ve posted this before. I don’t like it that Kaelyn seems to like him better than me. I’m ashamed of that feeling. Ashamed of my selfishness. I often question my ability to be a good mother. I fear that Kaelyn will grow up to harbor the same resentment I often feel towards my own mother. And then I know that me feeling this way is very much going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. That if I don’t get over myself, I will hurt her emotionally. I can’t let that happen. I love my job, but I struggle that it takes me away from my daughter. When I’m at work, I want to be home. And then when I’m home for any length of time, I miss work. We need to provide financially for Kaelyn and each other. I have to work…I want to work…but, I also want to be available for her 24/7. I am defensive about everything. I want to be superwoman. I am not her.
So, slowly, I’m starting to accept that these feelings, ridiculous as they are, may be related to me having a baby. And while I am nowhere near as extreme as the women who say they have dreamt of hurting their babies or hurting themselves,(I can’t even imagine how those thoughts ever could cross someone’s mind. On my worst days the most I want is 10 minutes of breathing time) and although I don’t want to go into isolation, or hide from myself, I see that my emotions are not healthy and possibly can’t be fixed with simple logic and reasoning. Still, I’m hesitant. I don’t think I need (or want) professional help. I hope that with the support of a loving husband, wonderful friends, and with some research, I can logically tell myself that I’m not being realistic (something I pride myself in being able to do well!). I’m hoping that with time, my body’s balance will be restored. This admission is hard…but, I am moving forward with this possibility, because I love Kaelyn and Roger more than I need to preserve my pride.
Writing it out here actually helped.
I made an appointment for an eyebrow wax after work. This is a new place and a new person, and I was nervous about it. In order to make it on time, I needed to leave work at 3…which would be my normal time to get off anyway. But, after a day where I spent hand-holding and forcing people to do their jobs…a day where I had people report to my boss that things didn’t get done by my team, which wasn’t true (it was a matter of people not checking emails, voicemails, etc. I mean do they expect paperwork to walk up to them and verbally announce their presence? Perhaps with a marching band? Or maybe they should check their inbox, mailboxes and voicemails every so often and at least once before they claim that other people are doing their jobs…I digress)…after all that, I was just mentally exhausted. I spent two hours explaining what seemed like a simple concept to another engineer. I must have been doing something wrong, because he just didn’t get it. Couldn’t understand that what he did one way, and what another engineer did another way, led to the same correct answer…both using correct logic. Then, at three, I realized that even though I had asked someone to book a conference room for a meeting, and he promised me he would, it didn’t happen. So, I had to do it. I left work 15 minutes later than planned. Not a big deal really, but I missed my appointment time. I called ahead to let her know…this was not a good way to start a first appointment. She suggested I come in and she would see if she could squeeze me in. After almost an hour of waiting, it just didn’t happen. So, that caused me to miss meeting Roger to get my car fixed. I also, in my frustration, no longer wanted to meet him for dinner (we were going to go together, then changed the plans to meeting when I was running late).
I come home, hoping to cuddle with Kaelyn and let the day’s events go. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself out of my funk. We are still getting bills from Kaelyn’s NICU and PICU stays (10 days and 1 day respectfully). It’s frustrating that the hospital can’t seem to figure out how much a day’s stay costs and bill it all at once. Every time we think we’ve paid off what the insurance didn’t, another bill comes. I’ve spent hours on the phone with the hospital and insurance company trying to figure it out, to no avail. Last night, I said screw it and wrote a check for $2800 which I hope above all hopes is the end of it. So, I go to the mailbox, check the mail, and lo and behold there’s a statement of benefits from the insurance company. They say that $745 was billed by the doctor in March…that was her last well-baby checkup. There are 10 miscellaneous charges (conveniently described with codes so that I have no idea what they are really for). And the insurance covers none of it…so, two things: 1. Why in the world does a 10 minute well-baby check up result in 10 services adding up to $745? 2. Our insurance is supposed to cover well baby care 100%, so why suddenly are they not? Just another thing to add to my growing list of things to figure out and take care of.
So, what happened next, I’m not proud of. Roger told me the night before that he was going to check up on something yesterday. I asked him about it and he told me he didn’t get to it. I lost it. I actually had to excuse myself and go outside to cry it out. His lack of following through was not the biggest deal in the world. It wasn’t anything too important, but at that moment, I felt like, I couldn’t count on anyone to do what they commit do when they commit to doing it…and that it impedes on my ability to do things for myself…like get my eyebrows waxed (a want) and get the car fixed (a need). And the mere fact that at that moment, I was melting down, meant that I wasn’t being a good mother to Kaelyn. It made me feel hopeless. I also realized as I was outside crying, that I rescheduled the eyebrow appointment during the time that we were scheduled to meet our financial planner. It just felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. I couldn’t even eat the dinner that Roger prepared for me. I got sick to my stomach.
I tried to calmly explain to Roger how I was feeling, but my emotions got in the way. Since I’m too professional to have a melt down at work…to “proper” to do it at a spa…and never even had the opportunity to do it at the mechanic, I took it all out on my family. I blamed him for my rotten day. And writing it all out now, just makes me realize that what happened is not a big deal. I’ve had much worse days without the emotional meltdown I experienced yesterday. These are very happy times for us and I struggle with figuring out why I can’t relax and enjoy them.
Roger has lovingly and cautiously suggested that perhaps my extreme emotions are post partum symptoms. I have a hard time accepting that this is the case. I have always been relatively happy (even if sarcastic and realistic…which many people take the wrong way). Depression has never been something used to describe me. There have been a few times when unimaginable events have occurred in my life that could have caused depression…but, instead, what happened were sadness, anger, and acceptance/recovery. I have a hard time thinking that the best and happiest moment of my life, could cause me to spiral into extreme emotional imbalance. But, at the same time, I look at the last 7 months. Starting with the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Healthy. Happy. A great job opportunity for me and business prospect for Roger that will make us both happy and affords us the opportunity to financially provide for each other while spending the quality and quantity of time together that we desire. At a time when many people are struggling, we are holding up just fine. Yet, at the same time, Kaelyn’s birth caused me anger, hurt, and sadness, because she had to stay in the NICU for 10 days. Even though she was healthy, and I witnessed babies that were truly struggling for their lives and Kaelyn was not…she was coming home healthy, I still hated the fact that we were there. I still reacted as if she were struggling for her life and unrealistically imagined that we would never bring her home. Everyone told me that this was natural, healthy. And I accepted that it was. We brought her home on day 10 and my sadness was replaced by pure joy and exhaustion.
But since then, other strange (at least strange to me) emotions have crept up. I am jealous of my husband. I’ve posted this before. I don’t like it that Kaelyn seems to like him better than me. I’m ashamed of that feeling. Ashamed of my selfishness. I often question my ability to be a good mother. I fear that Kaelyn will grow up to harbor the same resentment I often feel towards my own mother. And then I know that me feeling this way is very much going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. That if I don’t get over myself, I will hurt her emotionally. I can’t let that happen. I love my job, but I struggle that it takes me away from my daughter. When I’m at work, I want to be home. And then when I’m home for any length of time, I miss work. We need to provide financially for Kaelyn and each other. I have to work…I want to work…but, I also want to be available for her 24/7. I am defensive about everything. I want to be superwoman. I am not her.
So, slowly, I’m starting to accept that these feelings, ridiculous as they are, may be related to me having a baby. And while I am nowhere near as extreme as the women who say they have dreamt of hurting their babies or hurting themselves,(I can’t even imagine how those thoughts ever could cross someone’s mind. On my worst days the most I want is 10 minutes of breathing time) and although I don’t want to go into isolation, or hide from myself, I see that my emotions are not healthy and possibly can’t be fixed with simple logic and reasoning. Still, I’m hesitant. I don’t think I need (or want) professional help. I hope that with the support of a loving husband, wonderful friends, and with some research, I can logically tell myself that I’m not being realistic (something I pride myself in being able to do well!). I’m hoping that with time, my body’s balance will be restored. This admission is hard…but, I am moving forward with this possibility, because I love Kaelyn and Roger more than I need to preserve my pride.
Writing it out here actually helped.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Back Home
I made it home safe and sound around lunchtime on Friday. Roger and Kaelyn picked me up from the airport and then the three of us went to lunch. Afterwards, I took the best nap ever. I was exhausted and just sitting on my own bed was all I needed to fall into a deep restful sleep. Roger and Kaelyn sleeping beside me made it all the better!
Yesterday was relaxing as well. I got up earlier than both Roger and Kaelyn and did my normal saturday morning cleaning. I fed Kaelyn when she woke up (about 45 min after I did), then made Roger and I Greek omelets for breakfast. The weather was beautiful, so we decided to eat outside. It was later in the morning and Kaelyn was already down for her late morning nap, so Roger and I got the rare morning time to relax and talk.
The afternoon was busy for Roger. He cleaned out the garage and did some work in the backyard, while Kaelyn and I relaxed on the back porch and watched Julie and Julia (great movie). Roger was hosting a poker game at a chili cookoff event, so we spent the evening with friends, eating and playing poker. Kaelyn loved all the attention she got and was, to my great relief, very well behaved. She played with the other guests and then fell asleep without too much fuss. We got home late and didn't get to bed until around 1:30am, but the sleep was still good. Kaelyn is up with me and Roger is sleeping in.
We are starting the 6 week body makeover today. I'll keep this blog updated on our progress (although I doubt I'll include actual weight). Be prepared for me to be in a bad mood the next week or so as I adjust to eating less food than I normally do. I'm hoping to stay motivated throughout though.
I'm so happy to be home. Life is good!
Yesterday was relaxing as well. I got up earlier than both Roger and Kaelyn and did my normal saturday morning cleaning. I fed Kaelyn when she woke up (about 45 min after I did), then made Roger and I Greek omelets for breakfast. The weather was beautiful, so we decided to eat outside. It was later in the morning and Kaelyn was already down for her late morning nap, so Roger and I got the rare morning time to relax and talk.
The afternoon was busy for Roger. He cleaned out the garage and did some work in the backyard, while Kaelyn and I relaxed on the back porch and watched Julie and Julia (great movie). Roger was hosting a poker game at a chili cookoff event, so we spent the evening with friends, eating and playing poker. Kaelyn loved all the attention she got and was, to my great relief, very well behaved. She played with the other guests and then fell asleep without too much fuss. We got home late and didn't get to bed until around 1:30am, but the sleep was still good. Kaelyn is up with me and Roger is sleeping in.
We are starting the 6 week body makeover today. I'll keep this blog updated on our progress (although I doubt I'll include actual weight). Be prepared for me to be in a bad mood the next week or so as I adjust to eating less food than I normally do. I'm hoping to stay motivated throughout though.
I'm so happy to be home. Life is good!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Last night in Charlotte
I'm going home tomorrow! I can't wait to see Roger and precious Kaelyn. My heart longs for both of them.
I started this trip a bit down. And I've been down the entire time I've been here. My intention was to be a recluse. Go to class during the day and spend the evenings in my hotel room, on the phone with Roger and reading a book. Instead, I met some wonderful people. I was lucky to be in a group of people that were outgoing, funny, nice, and hard working. We ate dinner together every night...lunch together every day. I gained friendships I never intended to. This has been a much more positive experience than I thought it would be.
I'm almost through my first trip without Kaelyn. Hopefully, I won't have another one for a long time and when I do, I hope they will be few and far between. Tomorrow I see both my loves again. My heart will whole. I pray for safe travel for all of us returning to our families.
I started this trip a bit down. And I've been down the entire time I've been here. My intention was to be a recluse. Go to class during the day and spend the evenings in my hotel room, on the phone with Roger and reading a book. Instead, I met some wonderful people. I was lucky to be in a group of people that were outgoing, funny, nice, and hard working. We ate dinner together every night...lunch together every day. I gained friendships I never intended to. This has been a much more positive experience than I thought it would be.
I'm almost through my first trip without Kaelyn. Hopefully, I won't have another one for a long time and when I do, I hope they will be few and far between. Tomorrow I see both my loves again. My heart will whole. I pray for safe travel for all of us returning to our families.
Monday, April 19, 2010
First 48 Hours Down
Well, the 2nd day of me being away from my loves is done...almost (technically, it will be 48 hours at 8am tomorrow morning). Three and half days and I'll be back home! I feel tortured being away from my baby...both of the them.
I feel like I should take a moment, now, to pay tribute to the men and women who leave their babies, husbands, wives, etc. behind and spend years sometimes fighting for our freedom. I have deployed and yes, I wanted to come home. I missed my friends and family. I longed for my home and my life sans deployment. But, when it comes down to it, I did not feel anywhere close to the anxiety I feel being gone for a just a few days now. The love I feel for my child is exponentially more than I have ever felt for any other living being. Ever. And Roger is right up there with her in my heart. Just a few days of separation, missing even a moment of Kaelyn's life, is torture. All I can think about is going home. So, I can't fathom the sacrifice that the men and women in the military, who miss thier kids and spouses, who sometimes miss the birth of their children, who sacrifice everything must go through. And while I can spend a few moments each day daydreaming about going home, those men and women can't afford to...it's life and death for them. I'm sure if they could trade me these few days, they would take it in a heartbeat. And realizing the magnitude of thier sacrifice, it's even more disheartening to see and read about the protests, the ungratefulness, and even the spoiled way we act towards them and our government. Instead of cheerleading them, helping them, or helping their families, we say we don't agree with their work. We try to make ourselves feel better by saying we "support the troops" but we don't "support the war"...well, you can't not support the "war" and support the troops at the same time. How do you think it feels to give up everything that matters to you and go fight for your country, when your country doesn't want to stand behind the effort? Is it easy to hear that you have given it up for nothing? No one thinks it's worthwile? How is that support?
Ok, off my soap box...just a big heartfelt thank you to those who serve.
I just got off the phone with Roger and teased him about how he must be living at home without me. He swears he's taking care of Kaelyn the way we always do (I believe this) and that the house is in exactly the shape as I would have it (I do not believe this). I thought it would be fun to imagine how he actually is living.
1. I don't think that Roger will make the bed until Friday morning, just before he leaves to pick me up from the airport.
2. He will wash all his dishes, but he won't put them away until the sink is full of them. He won't put them in the dishwasher at all...I don't understand why.
3. He will take off his socks and shoes in our living room and leave them under the table, again, until just before I get home, when he will pick them up and throw them in our closet.
4. He will sleep on the couch at least three nights if not more.
5. He will leave at least two coffee cups lying around the house....make that three. He will leave one in the family room, one outside, and one in the garage. He will have a fourth that he is actively using. On Friday morning, he will think to collect them all...he will find three out of four and be nervous about me finding the fourth one before he does.
6. He will watch the shows he likes instead of giving up some of them to watch what he knows I'll enjoy. He'll be able to flip back and forth between two shows, watching both at once, which he never does when I'm around because he knows it drives me crazy.
7. He will make me at least two home videos so I can see Kaelyn while I'm here...he already made the first one...a cute little video about our trip to the zoo on Saturday. (I posted it on Facebook for my friends).
Roger makes a lot of sacrifices for me. I don't think it can be that easy to live with someone as anal as I am about the house. I'm blessed to have him and knowing what he does for me, just because I like it done, makes me miss him even more.
Other than missing my family, I am actually making the most of this trip. I've met some great people, plan to learn a lot in my class, and have eaten some great food with my new friends. I'll be glad that I took this class and had this experience, but still...I will be happy to be back home!
Well, this blog has gone all over the place. It's as random as I feel I am at the moment. It's so hard to stay focused on one thought, when all my thoughts go back to Roger and Kaelyn...
I feel like I should take a moment, now, to pay tribute to the men and women who leave their babies, husbands, wives, etc. behind and spend years sometimes fighting for our freedom. I have deployed and yes, I wanted to come home. I missed my friends and family. I longed for my home and my life sans deployment. But, when it comes down to it, I did not feel anywhere close to the anxiety I feel being gone for a just a few days now. The love I feel for my child is exponentially more than I have ever felt for any other living being. Ever. And Roger is right up there with her in my heart. Just a few days of separation, missing even a moment of Kaelyn's life, is torture. All I can think about is going home. So, I can't fathom the sacrifice that the men and women in the military, who miss thier kids and spouses, who sometimes miss the birth of their children, who sacrifice everything must go through. And while I can spend a few moments each day daydreaming about going home, those men and women can't afford to...it's life and death for them. I'm sure if they could trade me these few days, they would take it in a heartbeat. And realizing the magnitude of thier sacrifice, it's even more disheartening to see and read about the protests, the ungratefulness, and even the spoiled way we act towards them and our government. Instead of cheerleading them, helping them, or helping their families, we say we don't agree with their work. We try to make ourselves feel better by saying we "support the troops" but we don't "support the war"...well, you can't not support the "war" and support the troops at the same time. How do you think it feels to give up everything that matters to you and go fight for your country, when your country doesn't want to stand behind the effort? Is it easy to hear that you have given it up for nothing? No one thinks it's worthwile? How is that support?
Ok, off my soap box...just a big heartfelt thank you to those who serve.
I just got off the phone with Roger and teased him about how he must be living at home without me. He swears he's taking care of Kaelyn the way we always do (I believe this) and that the house is in exactly the shape as I would have it (I do not believe this). I thought it would be fun to imagine how he actually is living.
1. I don't think that Roger will make the bed until Friday morning, just before he leaves to pick me up from the airport.
2. He will wash all his dishes, but he won't put them away until the sink is full of them. He won't put them in the dishwasher at all...I don't understand why.
3. He will take off his socks and shoes in our living room and leave them under the table, again, until just before I get home, when he will pick them up and throw them in our closet.
4. He will sleep on the couch at least three nights if not more.
5. He will leave at least two coffee cups lying around the house....make that three. He will leave one in the family room, one outside, and one in the garage. He will have a fourth that he is actively using. On Friday morning, he will think to collect them all...he will find three out of four and be nervous about me finding the fourth one before he does.
6. He will watch the shows he likes instead of giving up some of them to watch what he knows I'll enjoy. He'll be able to flip back and forth between two shows, watching both at once, which he never does when I'm around because he knows it drives me crazy.
7. He will make me at least two home videos so I can see Kaelyn while I'm here...he already made the first one...a cute little video about our trip to the zoo on Saturday. (I posted it on Facebook for my friends).
Roger makes a lot of sacrifices for me. I don't think it can be that easy to live with someone as anal as I am about the house. I'm blessed to have him and knowing what he does for me, just because I like it done, makes me miss him even more.
Other than missing my family, I am actually making the most of this trip. I've met some great people, plan to learn a lot in my class, and have eaten some great food with my new friends. I'll be glad that I took this class and had this experience, but still...I will be happy to be back home!
Well, this blog has gone all over the place. It's as random as I feel I am at the moment. It's so hard to stay focused on one thought, when all my thoughts go back to Roger and Kaelyn...
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