Discovery

Yesterday I had a meltdown. Not that anything dire is going on in our lives. Not at all…so, the fact that I feel like a spoiled brat, just makes it worse. What happened? Well, not much really. I will write it here just so you can see how ridiculous it is.

I made an appointment for an eyebrow wax after work. This is a new place and a new person, and I was nervous about it. In order to make it on time, I needed to leave work at 3…which would be my normal time to get off anyway. But, after a day where I spent hand-holding and forcing people to do their jobs…a day where I had people report to my boss that things didn’t get done by my team, which wasn’t true (it was a matter of people not checking emails, voicemails, etc. I mean do they expect paperwork to walk up to them and verbally announce their presence? Perhaps with a marching band? Or maybe they should check their inbox, mailboxes and voicemails every so often and at least once before they claim that other people are doing their jobs…I digress)…after all that, I was just mentally exhausted. I spent two hours explaining what seemed like a simple concept to another engineer. I must have been doing something wrong, because he just didn’t get it. Couldn’t understand that what he did one way, and what another engineer did another way, led to the same correct answer…both using correct logic. Then, at three, I realized that even though I had asked someone to book a conference room for a meeting, and he promised me he would, it didn’t happen. So, I had to do it. I left work 15 minutes later than planned. Not a big deal really, but I missed my appointment time. I called ahead to let her know…this was not a good way to start a first appointment. She suggested I come in and she would see if she could squeeze me in. After almost an hour of waiting, it just didn’t happen. So, that caused me to miss meeting Roger to get my car fixed. I also, in my frustration, no longer wanted to meet him for dinner (we were going to go together, then changed the plans to meeting when I was running late).

I come home, hoping to cuddle with Kaelyn and let the day’s events go. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself out of my funk. We are still getting bills from Kaelyn’s NICU and PICU stays (10 days and 1 day respectfully). It’s frustrating that the hospital can’t seem to figure out how much a day’s stay costs and bill it all at once. Every time we think we’ve paid off what the insurance didn’t, another bill comes. I’ve spent hours on the phone with the hospital and insurance company trying to figure it out, to no avail. Last night, I said screw it and wrote a check for $2800 which I hope above all hopes is the end of it. So, I go to the mailbox, check the mail, and lo and behold there’s a statement of benefits from the insurance company. They say that $745 was billed by the doctor in March…that was her last well-baby checkup. There are 10 miscellaneous charges (conveniently described with codes so that I have no idea what they are really for). And the insurance covers none of it…so, two things: 1. Why in the world does a 10 minute well-baby check up result in 10 services adding up to $745? 2. Our insurance is supposed to cover well baby care 100%, so why suddenly are they not? Just another thing to add to my growing list of things to figure out and take care of.

So, what happened next, I’m not proud of. Roger told me the night before that he was going to check up on something yesterday. I asked him about it and he told me he didn’t get to it. I lost it. I actually had to excuse myself and go outside to cry it out. His lack of following through was not the biggest deal in the world. It wasn’t anything too important, but at that moment, I felt like, I couldn’t count on anyone to do what they commit do when they commit to doing it…and that it impedes on my ability to do things for myself…like get my eyebrows waxed (a want) and get the car fixed (a need). And the mere fact that at that moment, I was melting down, meant that I wasn’t being a good mother to Kaelyn. It made me feel hopeless. I also realized as I was outside crying, that I rescheduled the eyebrow appointment during the time that we were scheduled to meet our financial planner. It just felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. I couldn’t even eat the dinner that Roger prepared for me. I got sick to my stomach.

I tried to calmly explain to Roger how I was feeling, but my emotions got in the way. Since I’m too professional to have a melt down at work…to “proper” to do it at a spa…and never even had the opportunity to do it at the mechanic, I took it all out on my family. I blamed him for my rotten day. And writing it all out now, just makes me realize that what happened is not a big deal. I’ve had much worse days without the emotional meltdown I experienced yesterday. These are very happy times for us and I struggle with figuring out why I can’t relax and enjoy them.

Roger has lovingly and cautiously suggested that perhaps my extreme emotions are post partum symptoms. I have a hard time accepting that this is the case. I have always been relatively happy (even if sarcastic and realistic…which many people take the wrong way). Depression has never been something used to describe me. There have been a few times when unimaginable events have occurred in my life that could have caused depression…but, instead, what happened were sadness, anger, and acceptance/recovery. I have a hard time thinking that the best and happiest moment of my life, could cause me to spiral into extreme emotional imbalance. But, at the same time, I look at the last 7 months. Starting with the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Healthy. Happy. A great job opportunity for me and business prospect for Roger that will make us both happy and affords us the opportunity to financially provide for each other while spending the quality and quantity of time together that we desire. At a time when many people are struggling, we are holding up just fine. Yet, at the same time, Kaelyn’s birth caused me anger, hurt, and sadness, because she had to stay in the NICU for 10 days. Even though she was healthy, and I witnessed babies that were truly struggling for their lives and Kaelyn was not…she was coming home healthy, I still hated the fact that we were there. I still reacted as if she were struggling for her life and unrealistically imagined that we would never bring her home. Everyone told me that this was natural, healthy. And I accepted that it was. We brought her home on day 10 and my sadness was replaced by pure joy and exhaustion.

But since then, other strange (at least strange to me) emotions have crept up. I am jealous of my husband. I’ve posted this before. I don’t like it that Kaelyn seems to like him better than me. I’m ashamed of that feeling. Ashamed of my selfishness. I often question my ability to be a good mother. I fear that Kaelyn will grow up to harbor the same resentment I often feel towards my own mother. And then I know that me feeling this way is very much going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. That if I don’t get over myself, I will hurt her emotionally. I can’t let that happen. I love my job, but I struggle that it takes me away from my daughter. When I’m at work, I want to be home. And then when I’m home for any length of time, I miss work. We need to provide financially for Kaelyn and each other. I have to work…I want to work…but, I also want to be available for her 24/7. I am defensive about everything. I want to be superwoman. I am not her.

So, slowly, I’m starting to accept that these feelings, ridiculous as they are, may be related to me having a baby. And while I am nowhere near as extreme as the women who say they have dreamt of hurting their babies or hurting themselves,(I can’t even imagine how those thoughts ever could cross someone’s mind. On my worst days the most I want is 10 minutes of breathing time) and although I don’t want to go into isolation, or hide from myself, I see that my emotions are not healthy and possibly can’t be fixed with simple logic and reasoning. Still, I’m hesitant. I don’t think I need (or want) professional help. I hope that with the support of a loving husband, wonderful friends, and with some research, I can logically tell myself that I’m not being realistic (something I pride myself in being able to do well!). I’m hoping that with time, my body’s balance will be restored. This admission is hard…but, I am moving forward with this possibility, because I love Kaelyn and Roger more than I need to preserve my pride.

Writing it out here actually helped.