The Rant

I wrote this a couple of days ago…..

I have to say that I’m in a much better mood today than I was yesterday. Although it’s still cloudy, the sun is out and it’s not raining. Roger assures me that he can have the backyard done and cleaned up by Thursday…coincidentally, the same day his cigar club wants to come out and use it. But whatever, I’ll take it!

Looking at the weather report, it looks like we can expect clear skies for the rest of the week and for once, the weekend. The rain is scheduled to start again on Monday and last throughout the week. This is so odd for us…on the positive side, I will be in Charlotte next week, where the weather will be great. On the down side, I will be in Charlotte without my wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. I would much rather be in the rain with them than in the sunshine without…

And that thought leads me to my current thoughts…I think that my bad mood of the last few days may be lingering. I recently had the (dis)pleasure of reading an “opinion” piece posted by an old friend’s wife. In her opinion, mothers are not good mothers if they choose to work. This subject is near and dear to my heart…being a working mother…and more importantly, being a working mother who struggles, at times, with the guilt of having a successful career while raising a child. Somehow, the stigma has gone from Stay at Home moms not doing any work (we all know that every mother works hard), to the working mother somehow neglecting her children.

I think we’ve all read the article or seen the news program that calculates what the salary of a stay-at-home mom would be if she were paid for all her mothering services (maid, cook, nurse, therapist, etc.) I agree that mothers (and fathers) are generally underappreciated. Being a parent is hard. It’s very rewarding, but not monetarily so (quite the opposite)! But, what those articles fail to realize, along with my friend’s wife, is that I’m all those things too…only, I work a secondary job as an engineer on top of all that. Those articles also offend the fathers. Roger is also a maid, a nurse, a cook, and runs his own business. Raising a child and sharing household responsibilities shouldn’t be only the mother’s job.

Friend’s wife mentioned that when she became a mother she chose to put her children before everything else. That staying home showed that nothing was more important than the time that she spent with them. She will not work because she can’t fathom taking anything away from her children. I’ll admit that she offended me in her statements. And I’m angry that I feel that I have to justify my decisions as a mother (these are all things I would like to say to her, but won’t). Her “opinion” insinuates that by working, I somehow did not choose to put my child first. That my daughter, her happiness, well-being, and development are less important to me than my career. She is wrong on all counts.

First, there has not been a moment that has passed, a decision made by either myself or Roger that did not take into account the effect it will have on Kaelyn. Her needs and best interest is always in the forefront of my mind. My time with her is more precious than anything. I made tough choices about my career (I even changed jobs) once Kaelyn was born. Choosing to work and be a mother was not an easy decision. Anyone who pretends that all women have the choice to stay at home full time is both misdirected and uninformed. Not every woman has that choice. In many ways, I did have a choice and some may find it hard to believe, but my choice to work, was not for selfish reasons. My choice was made because I thought that by working, I would be a better mother.

This is also the time to clarify that I have nothing against stay at home moms. As a matter of fact, there are many times that I am envious of them. Not because I think they are better mothers. Not because I think that their days aren’t busy or difficult. And not even because I feel like they have more quality time with their kids. I am envious, because there are some days that I just don’t want to work. I’d rather be just a mother and not a mother and an engineer. I also admire the fact that they can stay home. I found out during my maternity leave that I get a release from work that I need in order to keep my sanity and be a good mother to Kaelyn. I am envious that some women don’t need that. I think that women make the choices that work best for their families. My friend’s wife’s choices are best for her and her kids. Mine are best for my family. She has no right to judge because my choices are different.

A big bother for me in this whole “opinion”, is that because I go to work, I don’t spend time with my daughter, that I don’t cook her healthy meals (or cook at all), I don’t clean, and that I’ve left raising my child up to a stranger. Again, all wrong. Here’s my typical day:

4:30 am – wake up and shower
5:00 am – get Kaelyn up and feed her.
5:30 am – play with Kaelyn while I get ready for work
6:00 am – leave for work
6:30 am – 3:00 pm – work. During my half hour lunch break, I often call to check up on Kaelyn (either with Roger or our friends who watch her when he’s working). I make her doctor appointments. Read up on her expected milestones. Look for guidance on what I can do to be a better mother to her.
3:30 pm – pick up Kaelyn (unless Roger already has her) and go home. This is also the time that I do my grocery shopping.
4:00 pm – 6:00 pm – family time with Kaelyn and Roger. We play with her. Read to her. Talk about our days and 100% focus on each other. My current job allows me to have this time where my previous job did not.
6:00 pm – cook dinner
7:00 pm – more quality time with Roger and Kaelyn….playing, taking pictures, laughing together and eating dinner.
8:30 pm – give Kaelyn a bath, start our bedtime routine.
9:00 pm – Kaelyn in bed.

After all that, when many people would sit back and relax with a glass of wine, a book, or watch a movie. I still have to clean the house, do laundry, prepare meals such as lunches for Roger and myself and workout. I look at our schedules for the next day and make sure that we know if we have to take Kaelyn to our friend’s home for a few hours, make sure she knows if we are bringing her by, and coordinate our schedules with each other. I rarely can get to bed before 11pm to midnight. I definitely don’t get time to relax and unwind. In other words, I sacrifice my personal time so that my time at work does not lessen my time with my child or my responsibilities as her mother. I do not come home, complain about working all day and then proceed to neglect Kaelyn so I can take care of myself.

It seems, according to my friend’s wife, that because I spend the hours between 6:30 and 3 at work, that I don’t care enough for my child. All the things that I do when I’m not at work, don’t count. That the only quality time I can have with my child is during those hours where I’m at work…and regardless of the fact that our “sitter” is a good friend, with children Kaelyn’s age (and older), who loves her, cares for safety and development as much as Roger and I do, the fact that she spends any time away from us during the week, means that she feels unloved, unimportant, and her development will be delayed. This is BS.

The fact is, being separated from Kaelyn hurts me. I want to be with her 24/7. I think about her all the time. Leaving her with anyone else and missing one second of her life is hard for me. But, this separation does not hurt Kaelyn. There are countless studies out there that show that children of working mothers are not delayed in development, they have no trauma of being separated from their parents during the day, and they are exactly like children whose mothers stay at home. Where they do differ is that many times they have learned to be more independent. They have advanced social skills in that they interact with children they are not related to. They have the ability to function in environments outside the home without the aid or safety net of their parents. They are better prepared to spend some time away from their parents when they start school. The studies also show that most often, women who work are happier, more confident, and more satisfied with their lives than women who stay home full time. Working mothers spend less time on leisure activities for themselves (I can vouch for that) and the time they spend with their children, because not constant, tends to be focused 100% on the child. For example, one article I read quoted a mother, who stayed home with her daughter as saying that when her daughter was coloring or playing, that the mother caught up on other things, such as house cleaning, or took that time to watch a movie. She stated that when she went back to work, if her daughter was coloring or playing, she colored and played with her.

Again, these statements cannot be absolute. I’m sure that my friend’s wife is not dissatisfied with her life or unhappy. To the contrary she sounds like she’s extremely happy with her life choices. I also know that she arranges play dates for them to interact with other children and does have family members watch them so she can take care of other things in her life. For all this I applaud her. Her decisions are best for her and her family and that will bode well for her children. My only beef is her narrow-mindedness at my choices.

My final rant on this is the lack of the fathers in all these analyses. Why does no one criticize the fathers for working? Why do they not get told that if they go to work they are bad fathers? On the contrary, they are expected to live by that golden rule: Thou shall go to work and make money to provide for your family. Thou shall not feel guilty or divided by giving up time with your children to go to work.

I mentioned in an earlier post how great a father Roger is. And my jealousy of his greatness does stem from the stereotype that because I’m the mother, I’m the one that should be home…I should be the only nurturer. The truth is, it’s up to both Roger and I to provide financial support for our family…we chose to both work to bring in that money. It’s up to both of us to parent and nurture Kaelyn…and that’s what we do. Me going to work does not make me any worse of a mother than Roger staying home a couple of days a week makes him a worse father. Most importantly, our choices are best for Kaelyn.