Down

I admit I’ve been feeling a little down the last couple of days…for no reason that I can pinpoint at the moment. The weather probably has a lot to do with it though. It’s been windy, which is usual, and rainy, which is unusual for this area. And while I understand that we need the rain, I still can’t help but feel put off by it. The backyard project has been severely delayed because of the weather. It seems to rain every weekend. This is normal until about mid-March, but this late into the year, the rain should be gone until October. We actually had a break in the weather on Saturday, and Roger was able to finish the stucco. But, there’s still a lot to be done…painting, finish details on the tiling, the footboards, and probably something else that I can’t think of right now. I’m not one that can deal with a lot of chaos and disorder. Backyard projects are somewhat easier for me to handle than indoor ones, but the length of time that this has been going on, coupled with the myriad of tools and furniture scattered in the backyard (plus the tools that Roger is keeping in our kitchen because it’s closer than running back and forth to the garage) is putting me on edge. I need this project done already! To make it worse, we’ve reached the point in construction where my help is really not helpful at all…so, I want to hurry things along, but I can’t really DO anything…it’s frustrating.

My weight issues are probably another reason for my bad mood. I’m not used to being this uncomfortable in my skin. I have only been really working at losing weight for the last three weeks, and I am 10 pounds down, but it’s taking more effort than I’m used to. Before I had Kaelyn, I was thin…not a model, but a comfortable size 4/6. I enjoyed food and even though I would gain weight if I ate everything I wanted, all I had to do was slightly change my diet or pump up my exercise and I’d lose weight. It’s not that easy anymore and that’s depressing. The “diet” I’m on is a good one. It makes sense. Eat a serving of a protein and a carb every three hours, eats lots of vegetables, drink water, and exercise. It’s not rocket science. But it’s not easy when I’ve had a lifetime of being allowed to really enjoy food. I love to cook and it seems that I can no longer enjoy the flavorful, fresh meals of my past and can definitely no longer even look at or smell a dessert without gaining weight.

Saturday night, we went to a Macaroni and Cheese party. It was good to get together with friends and I decided that for one night it wouldn’t hurt if I tasted all the different mac and cheese dishes. After all, how was I to judge the food if I didn’t taste it all? I had a great time, but woke up Sunday morning bloated and feeling like crap. Yet another thing to agitate my already bad mood. Even after Roger made a delicious breakfast and I drank the most wonderful cup of coffee ever, I couldn’t make myself feel better. I also figured out, during breakfast, that I needed to spend the majority of the day out shopping (this really was a necessity). I wanted to take Kaelyn with me, so I could spend some time with her. She was extremely well behaved, but dragging a six month old from store to store in the pouring rain wasn’t my idea of a fun or even relaxing Sunday. When we got home, we were both tired and hungry. I fed Kaelyn and put together a closet organizer I had gotten for her, while Roger made us dinner. Halibut and a side salad. It was delicious as usual and I was really hoping that once I had a healthy meal, put Kaelyn to bed, and had a few minutes to relax with a good book, my mood would shift. But, I woke up this morning just as cranky as I did yesterday…if not more so.

I realize that all I’m doing right now is whining and complaining about nothing. I realize I’m not the only person to feel down for no reason and I know that anyone who knows me and might be reading this will think I’m crazy to complain about the life I have. I do love my family and my life. But I also feel that I have a right to feel down every now and then, and today is one of those times where I reserve the right to be in a bad mood.

I do want this to end though. Next week, I will be in Charlotte without Roger and Kaelyn. I’ve never been separated from Kaelyn for that long, and the last time Roger and I went a week without seeing each other, was well before we married. In the grand scheme of things, a week (actually 5.5 days) is not a horrible length of time to be away from my family…especially considering the military members who spend up to a year or longer away from theirs. Still, I don’t want to go. I want to stay home with my husband and daughter…sleep in my own bed and know, that at the end of a hard day at work, I will be returning to them and not an empty hotel room. I definitely want the days leading up to the separation to be marked with us having a good time with each other and not me being cranky and on edge. Now that I think about it, this impending trip probably is the culprit for my current feelings…