Jealousy

Roger is a good dad...more accurately, he's a great dad. When we found out we were going to have a baby, he was excited. He told me that he could be the kind of dad he wanted to be when he was younger. It's easy to see how much he loves his kids. He would do anything for them...but it's also easy to see that he wishes that work and relationship circumstances hadn't prevented him from spending more time with them.

When he told me that he wanted to make up for it with this child, I pictured that he would spend weekends teaching her to pitch and hit a softball. That he would never miss a sporting event or school play. That he would spend every night with her at the dinner table patiently answering her questions and listening to her talk about her day.

I still expect all those things. But, what I really got is so much more. When I was pregnant I encouraged Roger to experience things with me. I wanted him to feel her kick. I excitedely told him everything I found out about her heartrate, her size, and the little flips I watched her do in my tummy. After she was born, I encouraged him to hold her, give her a bottle and give her a bath. I wanted to make sure their bond would be strong. But, I didn't need to do those things. Roger, in his greatness, has developed a bond with her stronger than any two I've ever known.

I remember the morning, late in my pregnancy, when I woke up to her kicking me hard. I wanted Roger to feel it too. But he was still sleeping...something unusual for him. I let him sleep and instead went to her nursery. Roger had stayed up all night finishing it. He had put all the furniture together, arranged it, painted and hung chair rail. He put his heart and soul into getting that room ready for me to decorate. But what really took me aback was something else. On a shelf, he had arranged, with a some blocks we had gotten as a gift, the name KAELYN. We hadn't decided on her name yet. We didn't talk much about names at all. Yet, he had thought about it. He had already named her. She was his Kaelyn and he built that room for her. I realized then that people are wrong when they say that men become dads when their children are born. Roger was already her dad.

After she was born, when she was in the NICU, Roger would stay with her all night long. So that she would never be without one of us. The nurses told me he would sing to her and rock her. They would tell me how heartwarming it was to see him with her. I longed to see it too, but when we were both with her, Roger would insist that I be the one to hold her.

We made some career decisions after we brought her home. We both knew that we wanted to spend more time together as a family. But we also wanted to uphold the same quality of life we did when we were dual income with no kids. We both quit our jobs. I got a higher paying job with better benefits and more time off. Roger started his own business. And because of that, he gets to spend two to three days a week with her during the day.

Roger has learned everything there is to know about Kaelyn. He interprets every cry and babble. He can soothe her just by looking at her a certain way. He knows when she naps, when she wakes, what toy she wants to play with. Her face lights up so huge everytime he walks into a room.

One night, for some reason, Kaelyn would not sleep for longer than 15 minutes. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get her to settle down. I was near tears with frustration and exhaustion. Roger came to me and told me to try to get some rest....to let him try. Reluctantly, I handed her over and went to bed. I woke up four hours later...confused and panicked. Roger was not in bed and Kaelyn was not in her room. I found them both in the family room. Roger sleeping, sitting up, on the couch and Kaelyn, asleep draped over his chest. He soothed her. She was happy and comfortable and safe.

This makes me jealous. Roger is a better parent than me. He has the instinct I lack. He has the unbreakable bond I want. It's not fair. I'm the one that carried her for roughly 7 1/2 months (would that extra five weeks have made a difference?). I went through the pains of labor. I gave up my body for her. I tirelessly researched to make sure that I was prepared for her. I'm the one that knows her diaper size, obsesses about her weight, tells Roger, every time, what brand of formula we buy for her. I'm the one that cried every time I came home without her after she was born. I'm her mother, and I'm supposed to be the "better" parent.

Yes, Kaelyn and I are close. She smiles and squeals with delight when I come home from work and rush to see her...to smother her with my kisses. She watches me when I leave the room and sometimes even sticks her lower lip out as she watches me go. I was the first one that figured out how to make her laugh, and my funny faces and funny voices still get the best response. But, when it's all said and done, it's her Dad that she treasures most. I see the toddler Kaelyn, the teenager, and the adult Kaelyn, and in all those pictures, it's her father that she adores...and who adores her.

My jealousy makes me feel guilty. This is what I wanted. To have a child with a man that would love her. My husband is a wonderful dad. They have developed the bond that I encouraged from the very beginning. Kaelyn and I are blessed to have Roger. And even though I'm envious at what he does so much better than me...I wouldn't have it any other way.