Who was that girl?

This morning was rough. I was supposed to be up and out the door, with Kaelyn in tow, at 5:45. That didn't happen. She was hungry, but wouldn't sit still long enough to eat. I was trying to get myself ready at the same time I was trying to get her ready...and Roger is sick, so he couldn't help me (though he tried). Finally, at 6:15 we are out the door and I'm racing to get her to the sitter and myself to work.

It wasn't that long ago that I could hang out with friends on a Thursday night, get home at 1am, and still get up at 5am for a workout. And if I did want to sleep in, I could roll out of bed, hop in the shower, and be out the door in less than 20 minutes. That life seems so foreign to me now. And while some people would say that recognize themselves now, I would say "I don't know who that girl I used to be is anymore".

I was never the girl who dreamed about getting married and having babies. While some my single girlfriends were lamenting about how everyone else was getting married and worried about their eggs rotting, I was always thinking "Will I ever be able to share my closet with someone?" and "If I marry someone who snores, would it be rude if I kick him out of bed so I can get sleep?" And while I didn't shudder at the thought of marriage and kids, I definetely wasn't longing for the days I'd be cleaning puke off my shirts.

I was, very happily, single. Active duty Air Force, traveling the world. I pretty much did whatever I wanted with my free time. Never worried about money or anything outside of myself. A big decision for me in those days was whether or not I could go to a wedding in Hawaii and spend a couple of weeks in Australia the same month (the answer was yes!). These days, even a trip to the grocery store is a game of 20 questions. Do I have to pick up Kaelyn? If I do, will she be hungry? Can I go the store and get what I need before she gets tired and cranky? Should I drop her off at home first? Do we have enough diapers, baby wipes, formula, etc.? What kind of french fries does Roger like again? Do we need milk? Can this wait until the weekend when we go to Costco? (The thought of buying anything in bulk used to make me gag.)

Did I really ever make the spur of the moment decision to spend Thanksgiving in Beijing? And was that really only five years ago?

Just a couple of years ago, if someone would have told me that a fun Friday night would be sitting on my couch, eating pizza, and watching a 4 month old try to roll over, I would have said "Ha! Boring." But, that is my plan tonight and I'll be looking forward to it all day.

Of course, just because I'm married and have a child, I don't plan to just roll over and become a recluse. I did marry a man who's nickname is Trouble, after all. We still plan to do our yearly rafting trip, skydiving, and I'm going to learn to scuba dive this year. We'll go to Catalina, Vegas, Disney Land, and even Greece (where we plan to have Kaelyn babtized). The difference is that now, I have to plan a little further ahead...probably can't pack the same day I leave for the trip, and definitely won't be staying up all night drinking anymore.

I don't really remember life before Roger and Kaelyn. I can't imagine life without them...and the girl I used to be? She seems more like a fantasy, a movie I saw, or a book I read, than the life I used to lead. I have those memories, and experiences. I made the most of those times and now, I'm excited to start a new phase of school plays and refrigerator art (something that also use to make me gag). We'll have plenty of fun and travel along the way, too...afterall, that girl I used to be, is still there...