Worry worry worry

My daughter was born 5 weeks and 2 days early. She was born healthy...thank God!...at 5 lbs and 19 inches. But, she was early, and small, so we had her in the NICU for 10 days.

I did not take this well. The doctor was afraid that she had apnea, but for some reason, wasn't positive. So, he held her for observation. And this frustrated me. Of course, I worried about the apnea, but I also worried about her being in the hospital. I selfishly wanted to bring her home, but I also had a fear that the longer she stayed in the sterile, bright white NICU, the less stimulation she would get and the worse off she would be.

I remember sitting in the hospital cafeteria with Roger when she was just under a week old. We had just been told that she would be there, at least, for a few more days. The news did not make me happy and I was emotionally and physically drained. Then it hit me. There would never again be a time when I'm not going to worry about her. For the first time, I understood, truly, what Diane Keaton meant when she told her daughters it was an "impossible love". It doesn't matter how happy, healthy, and vibrant Kaelyn is, I'm her mother and that means I'm going to worry about her. She is, undoubtedly, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me (besides Roger, of course)...but, she's also going to be the source of some the greatest pain I'll ever feel. The joy I felt at her birth followed immediately by the stress and worry of her health is a testament to that.

Happily, she is fine. She continues to thrive and delight us everyday. That doesn't mean I don't still worry about her though, but I'm slowly learning that I need to put my fears for her aside and enjoy the bundle of joy and energy that she is. She is a blessing, and these moments are going to pass quickly...so, as hard as it will be, I will try not to let my worry for her impede the happiness that she brings to me.